:: Real or Unreal? ::
Now..no stopping. The show has to go......
The scenes involved include happy and sad and mourning scenes. When it was the time of the calvary scene, where I had to come out with the crowd to moan, and beg for Jesus to be sparred...i wondered what happened to me. I really started crying, and was wailing out "Mercy mercy...He's a good person...Please, please spar Him... No no...Stop... stop beating Him....Spar His life.....". What was so good but made my emotions got worser was when Rachel Chia(also dancer) came from behind and told me "He deserved it! He's not fit to be our master", and she pulled me back from moaning...all the more I struggled forward to reach for "Jesus". Tears already welling up....Then it was over.
NEXT Scene of "King is alive", I had to smile again. Smile after crying isn't EASY!!! I was like....haha.....abit schizophrenic......After the finale....I was really really very tired. Not physically tired....but emotionally tired......Very very...........
The fun scene was the crucify scene. I kept pushing the roman soldiers away and wanting to get in front, and I kicked forward to push myself front, push push push!!! Like a RIOT. And I even forgot what to say....my lines...i almost said "Let me get in!!", "Stop pushing....I want to get inside!"....Then i quickly changed to say "Look at that man....He's a fraudulent masterpiece!".
Haha.....but glad this time I was able to smile for both dances. Clare was there to witness and she told me that I did smile evidently, and it really make the dance look more energetic and nicer. yay!! Keep it up!!!!
posted at [12:24 AM]
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Wednesday, March 25, 2009
:: Watching and Imitating ::
I'm a little afraid to watch "The Phantom of the Opera", but yet I'm watching and hoping to learn from Kristine who sings and smiles so naturally. I lose it! I could do it 2years ago, during Easter 2007. Rachael would remember how I would sing the song "Think of Me" and how my voice would even be heard from the room she was in (to hold the dancers then), from my room which hold the singers. I would sing a line, and she would take the next. And we would danced out to the corridors and meet to sing together. It was very amazing then. We could sing and smile, and still maintain eye-contact and moved along to our melody, just like how the musical "The Phantom of the Opera" did so.
Now...I'm experiencing difficulty singing and smiling while dancing. Where has that part of me been lost to? I thought I always could do so in the past. I could sing, smile, and move around the chapel to the songs from "Enchanted". Where has it gone to?
Perhaps during then, when I did all those, I felt that it was really silly and that people were getting irritated to keep seeing me move around the places, singing non-stop. Hence, I sort of withdraw those "silly moments" from reality.
Now I need them back. Who can bring that back to me? God, be my "Music Tutor", my "Dance Tutor" and be my JOY! Let these be my countenance to show who You are in my life, and how others could experience the same way as I did.
posted at [10:48 PM]
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:: Observation ::
posted at [1:15 AM]
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Videos I often look at and learn from
The Full Dance:
This one also is nice!!
posted at [7:49 PM]
:: Learning ::
It's amazing how God sends different ones around me to encourage me, when I'm down. I received a sms from Andrew this afternoon, with regards to yesterday's dance pract. I was really encouraged and touched to have someone to spur me on even in the midst of difficulties. Because words could be very blunt at times, and it has power to cut, tear and destroy. That's why we need to constantly come back to the Father's love, which assures, builds and heals. God has been sending different ones to speak words of healing and words to build me up along this path. Thank God for that! I'm loved!
Then back to school on a sunday, my mind was not quite there bcoz I couldn't concentrate with the many many formations in my mind, and I ended up drawing them up in class...moving from formation one to two to three. And my friends saw it and asked what these wantons. Haha!! I need wisdom from God! To understand, discern and apply information, and not memorize information and reproducing it during the exams. That's mere copyrighting. But thank God for sending Rachael to be my encourager and to pray for me in this area, also this afternoon.
Taken before cell last Friday, in my attire after contemporary dance, with Esther's hat. haha.. Jane was right...my eyes are red....due to lack of sleep....
God remembers me. He remembers my dreams. He remembers my struggles. He'll be there to turn things around and I shall commit all things unto God for the good!
posted at [5:32 PM]
:: Super upset during pract today ::
Super upset during today's dance practice. First, I got scolded by a fellow dancer for like no apparent reason. I was very sure I was in the right position, and even Victoria agrees. Somehow, I dunno why she kept saying I gotta be the other side. Sigh...She sound really like scolding her baby boy for running around the playground. Forget it. And then I don't really feel very happy already.
Next, came Linda who reprimanded me in front of the entire team, just becoz I didn't sing while dancing. Fine. My whole spirit was just lifted up and crushed to pieces on the ground. Afterwhich, I went down to meet Kat at Manna Bkshop. And I was already in tears.
posted at [12:33 AM]
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:: Perfections ::
I'm looking forward to perfections, however, somehow I need people to point out my flaws. Yesterday's dance practice was very rushed, but was great. Lots of formation to remember and figure out in order not to cause a traffic jam. Katherine happened to stand in front of me last night, and therefore she kept pointing out to me some of my mistakes which I didn't ever came across that they were wrong before. I need people to tell me so that I could change for the better. All the while, I thought my "jeruselem" was okay. Haha... It was really funny becoz the whole grp was doing while she was telling me, and I stood there and froze, and dunno how to continue with the next move the grp was doing. Then she hinted me with her sheepish smile to move to "lift up your voice and sing". Haha.. That's typical Kat.
This Thursday I wanna spend more time studying and revising, since this weekend is 10am-5pm lessons by UK Lecturers, which means I've lesser time this week to revise. Hence I told Kat I won't be able to come this Thurs for drama pract, and she gave me that "funny stare" implying that "oieh...". Haha. But she still allow me to be excused la. Haha...
The formation for Let Heaven Ring was rather easy, but somehow I don't know why I have to always turn 3times in order to get to the circle????? Argh.. By the time I'm there, I'm feeling dizzy and everything. Faints. Maybe we could walk towards the circle glamourously? Nvmind, I'll try to examine that on Saturday with the group. Have to get the grp to "jotomatek" for me. Haha..
The formation for The King Is Alive, is not that easy. Lots of traffic jam. And not that easy to estimate where to stand to be in line with my partner (Joyce). Maybe when I'm walking I should be looking also at where Joyce is. Hmm..that's why I'm always behind Joyce or in front of Joyce. I wasn't looking at where I was walking. So much of kneeling and bends(hip-hop style) that my thighs are now suffering from major muscle ache. I bet after easter, my arms and legs would be more muscular, and somewhat similar to that of a ballet dancer.
Something I don't understand when I saw this on TV even. Dancers need to learn some form of endurance? Why? The way the train dancers for endurance is kinda wierd. The way the TV showed was to get them to be in some very extremely cold temperature places. Hmm..
posted at [12:12 PM]
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:: Greatly Into Emotions or Greatly Affected? ::
Today's drama practice reminded of the scene I saw many years back, while I was still in secondary school, and how then I skipped youth services because I can't mix with the people around. Then I went with my parents to the "King and I" presentation during Easter then. It was Katherine then, who acted as the "adulterous woman", whom everyone wanted to stone bcoz she's an outcast in the society for she is known to be one who has slept with many men and commited adultery (which was a big woo-ha in the early days).
I remember this scene, which made me wept almost immediately. I felt so like the adulterous woman, not bcoz I commited adultery, but bcoz I felt as if I was the society-reject back then; where I can't find close friends, can't find belonging, and felt that whatever I do is always not approved by man. Then Jesus came to question the crowd, "Whoever who has no sin can be the first to stone this woman". Many times we see the mistakes, the errs of others, but we can't see ours. We hate others and we almost want to see their downfall. Then as we question ourserlves, we realised we're not that worthy to be in position to penalise someone else. When Duane Thia (acting as Jesus) came towards my direction and passed the stone to our cluster to stone the adulterous woman (Cherie), I felt that I might be as filthy as the she is.
While we were supposed act as an angry crowd, hurling accuses and shouts against the adulterous woman, I found myself saying this, "See that you're only regretting it now. Why did you do so in the first place?". Somehow, I felt as if I was saying it to myself. Each time I fall, or I did something wrong, I felt this same voice telling myself "Why do you only regret it now? Why did you do so in the first place when you know this would be the outcome?". When I hurled that remark to the adulterous woman during that scene, I felt tears were about to pour out. I felt that I needed to come to Jesus personally and receive His forgiveness and love and acceptance once again. That was how I felt many years back, while watching that scene in the congregation seat.
When Duane (playing Jesus) finally said, "See, there's no one here who is against you anymore. Your sins are now forgiven. Now go, and sin no more", I felt the incredible acceptance received all over again. I'm someone who would be entirely engrossed into dramas/musical/movies, that's why I avoid watching TV, which could make me emotionally tired. I remember in the story, the woman was accepted by Jesus, forgiven, and could moved on free. These can never be bought by money, and no man on earth can give that kind of acceptance where Jesus gave. Jesus, I'm coming back to You.
Apart from this scene, there was another pilates scene where I had to now hurl accuses on Jesus, which was the hardest to do so. I ended asking around, "Who is that man?", and Iryn asked, "Yes, what's he doing there?". And I don't know why I found myself saying this next, "Is he handsome?". Haha...and Iryn couldn't continue acting, and turned away giggling. Hahaha!! When the crowd became more active in hurling accuses, they ended up pushing the roman soldiers (who were blocking them from coming to the front) and the shirts of the roman soldiers were almost torn. Oh my...this was only practice. THen I ended up shouting nonsensically again, "The roman soldier needs a new shirt!", and everyone around me started laughing and Jerry stared at me. What was I talking about????? I was supposed to scold Jesus in the scene!! Oh my. After awhile, I ended up almost speaking in tongues as I ran out of words to scold, but my actions were like pointing towards Jesus looking fierce and angry. Can't imagine that.. I also had a great fun time pushing the guys in front towards the ROman soldiers so that I could be nearer in front to hurl more accuses. Haha.. Pushing ppl is so so fun!!! Till the guys turned back and complained. Hahahaha... During the hurling of accuses scene, I felt that I almost blurted out some vulgarities, bcoz my actions were so vigorously angry moves, pointing pointing, as if I wanna bash up the person for stepping on my toe in the MRT.
Linda finally ended the night's practice, and she asked everyone to find a partner to pray thru for Easter. Jane suddenly appointed me when Linda asked her who's her partner. I was actually quite afraid to mix around, and I already drawn back to my seat to drink water. I was just about to accept the reality that I might not have any prayer partner, and wow! Thank God, there's now Jane. Haha.. Jane, let's pray together!!!!!!!!!
posted at [12:23 AM]
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:: Jiayou Grace!! ::
I am gonna go with Jane together with Rachel (who's also from this Easter's dance) to Studio Wu tomorrow to try out Raggae Intro Class. I freaked myself out this afternoon when I checked out the videos on Youtube of demos, doing backwave, freestyle, etc of raggae. Then I told Jane that I might backout halfway if I think I can't continue or wanna give up, since there's still Rachel. But Jane encouraged me not to give up, and step out with courage to try new stuff, and that she will helped me out along the way. I guess I should be able to go through the 1hour.
Just stop worrying!!! I tell others not to worry, but here I am worrying. Better walk my talk.
After two sessions in LCE, I am sort of sure that there's a heavier responsibility needed. The people need the Lord, hence they need us to walk them through certain journeys. LCE appears like an empowerment, and teaches us in the various areas. It also gives me greater light to the annual report. I know understand further on the Benevolence Fund. It's a package. From the day-to-day activities to the top management execution (in corporate means).
Last LCE, I sat beside Kat. And I am glad we can talk together freely again. During LCE, we kept joking and laughing from the small matters to almost anything. Kat offered her preservatives "sweets" around and asked me to have some too, so that when I eat them, I can dance very well. That's so lame!! Haha...Nobody told me that before. Haha.. I definitely wouldn't fall asleep during any lecture, sermon or LCE when I'm sitting beside Kat. Haha.. She's still so high despite a heavy night's of dance practice the night before, and I could tell from her eyes that she definitely has insufficient sleep. Must learn from her ah. Despite the stress from exams, I must still smile!
Prelims are over. Many things to work on. Time management. Topics that I'm not certain of, when I thought I was certain of. Some switch in focus of topics to whack for the major exam. Jiayou!!! No time to stop to think, but just go. GO!!
How come when I've no time to think about the stress from exams, yet I've time to think about my yearn for somebody? When I almost banged into him at one 3rd level lobby, the first word that came to my mind wasn't his name, but was the word "prince". Oh my...is this true? Why do I always bang into the person I love at a lobby? It's always a lobby, no matter where. Previously, I banged into Roger at the office lobby many months back; his wasn't only at the lobby, it was also a literal bang outside my department and I went "Arghh oops...sorry.."
Thank God I need not meet Him by banging into Him anywhere. Haha!!! But I can come directly to the Father through Jesus!!
Loving someone is having missing the person's smile, the person's frown, to hear the person's same old nagging words, to be surprised by the person again and again, and you don't mind that he wears the same old jacket and jeans again and again, you want to be noticed by him but not know what else to do after that. Will there be an opportunity? How should I create the opportunity if I have to?
posted at [9:38 PM]
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:: Spirituality ::
It was two misunderstandings in the week. Alrightey. I guess often we misunderstand because we're overly concern about certain things.
I know the answer. I know who God has called me to be; a woman after God's heart. Even if the world has been speaking something else into my life, I have to stand on His firm foundation and claim+declare everyday that I'm made to be a woman after His heart!!
The world's contaminated with so many other "truths" that sometimes I'm ignorant about, and there's no need to believe in them. Only believe in His definition, His perspective.
I was pondering over the meaning of "Spirituality" the past few days. Just because someone mentioned it to me on Sunday. I'm sure it is needed and normal to assess someone's or a cell member's level of spiritual maturity in a context like L-cell. I have personally done that as well, when I was in the JC core group mini L-cell, where we evaluate the 5Gs that we've so far executed and who we can appoint to try out leading one of the 5Gs, and who shall we send to SP course. Sometimes, in such context, our judgement are put across rather bluntly. We will come to decisions like, "Maybe we should give the person some more time, perhaps one more month, before we ask him/her to attend SP class". Because the person doesn't seem to be ready, and is always very stressed when we ask him/her to say grace, to pray, etc.
Then recently, I've heard comments about myself. I personally do not know who or what happened in L-cell that so many comments of me suddenly arose. But I do hear from a few people who spoke to me and affirm me of my voice, my growth, and to rise up. I'm quite surprised because some of those I don't usually speak to frequently. However, the funniest thing I've heard that someone commneted was, "Grace ar....her voice not bad...but she doesn't smile, so can't use her". HUH?? I never smile meh?
I don't usually smile when I'm praying during the 15mins into service, at pre-service prayer, because the prayer request are really important ones and I don't want to joke about any of them as the congregation could really see our reaction each time each prayer request was read out over the pulpit. I don't understand why during pre-service prayer Linda would always ask us to smile?? When everyone were intensively praying for others' needs. Then after 15mins of intensive serious praying, came the roll of the drums, "Are you ready to worship? Turn to two other people and tell them 'expect something this service!' ". All of a sudden, you had to smile, because we're transiting into praise worship. It was as if, immediately after "5,6,7,8" and the drum hits the first beat, and the singers start to sway LEFT, and suddenly the smile appeared on your face. Sometimes I think it's abit funny. Haha.
I believe it's a conscious effort to smile, so as to reveal the "joy" that God has given. Joy, is one of the 9 fruits of the spirit. Fruits of the spirit would mean evidence of your spirituality, or level of spiritual maturity. Therefore, I guess somehow why "smile" was so emphasized in the ministry. But we can't just smile on stage, and get off the stage looking so "qi-cham". That's really schizophrenic. Haha. But even if life hasn't been smooth, and yet you're able to smile because you know that God is for you, just that the other end of the tunnel isn't as clear yet, that's strength! I wrote this on gmail, "The stars that shine for me, and the applause that gives me strength". Actually, it was originally a song from a dance drama. But, I am looking at this phrase in another view: God made the stars of me, that they shine for me and I could be in delight whenever I look at them in the skies. The applause from the congregation actually encourages me everytime that there are many many souls who longs to worship God, and their applause shows their enthusiasm and acknowledgement of who God is. I will have strength to continue to sing praises to Him no matter the situation I am in.
"所有的星光为我闪亮, 所有的掌声给我力量"
Actually one's level of spiritual maturity can be best seen in during the adversities. If one's faith isn't wavered during the storms, but he or she actually become more fervent in prayer and petition, and continues to sing praises to God, that's strength from God; strength that arises from a high level of spiritual maturity. Similarly, someone who wouldn't get angry so easily over a team member in the ministry, also shows a high level of spiritual maturity. Now I have to work on the second. Maybe one day I should just ask her out for dinner and pray for her. It's very funny...we're 8-9years apart. We'll see.
posted at [12:22 PM]
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