Miss ConGeNiaLity's Chronicles

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Monday, February 23, 2009

:: Perhaps it's the way I portray myself ::

I felt like making a public declaration the other day. However, I thought to myself, "why bother? You cannot have everyone to believe in you. You cannot stop people from saying things that are not true about you".

I was really upset when the issue was even brought up by Clare. Previously it was Pamela. Back then it was Gillian (my 1st cell leader in tcc). Perhaps it's the way I look at people, that I used to not smile and always wear a frown, that people say I look "scary".

I grew up not knowing how I could approach people to teach me or mentor me. All I did was to observe. I observe the people around me, from people who were role models, professionals. There was once I kept observing my sec. sch's Head Prefect, till her classmates said that I'm a 'les". Honestly, back then I have no idea what that word meant, and I actually went back to ask my parents. I was really upset. I was only sec 1, and people passed this remark on me, which lasted about 3years (that's how rumours worked), till people around me understood me. Then my 1st cell leader said she was also initially afraid of me when she even knew that I was in tcc and in the same sec sch as her, and had to be my cell leader. She said she somehow knew that I'm not what people has been calling me, but she said that my actions make me look like one. And I was very upset then. Whenever I try to make new friends, some guys who were fond of that girl whom I'm friends with, would come up to me a shout at me. They are thinking that I'm trying to get afresh with their "girl". What?! I cried in school. Why doesn't anyone believe in me? I tried so hard, till I forced myself into a relationship with a guy I don't think I fully love him, so just to prove that I'm not a les.

Afterwhich, I think people sort of got tired of having their previous mindset about me, and many slowly understood me. Also bcoz they've grown to be more matured. I felt happy that people have finally know who I am, that I'm perfectly straight!

However, something happened in my final year in sec sch. It made me hated and grew to become more wary of "men". Hence, I stopped mixing around with guys. Although my teachers kept consoling me, and encouraging me, it took me sometime to get out of it.That was one of the reasons why I joined Taekwondo. P.Pete was really sharp and he identified the issue to me, but he didn't know exactly what has happened. But his words are very sharp. I'm glad I quitted and stop my nonsense. Strength comes from God, I need not use mine to conquer the enemy.

Naive, was I back then to think I could share my fears and struggles with just anyone around me in tcc. (bcoz not everyone is ready to listen) When I shared this with Pamela one day.....we lost contact for quite a long while...the next time we catch-up, it was after one of the CM practice. She told me back then when I shared with her that I was "afraid of guys in the MRT, and that I was very wary of them", she said she then started to avoid me and was afraid of me. Oh my...what's this?! I don't think a perfect and pure les would be afraid of guys? It doesn't fit into the definition I thought.

I was then thinking, why has so many people in my life gave me this remark. Am I really one bcoz alot of them are speaking that of me? I confessed that there was once I tried to "face reality", believing that I was really who they say of me, and I tried to become one. I tried for less than a day and I gave up. I couldn't do it. I don't know how to bcom one! I don't have the qualities to bcom one!

I gave up trying to bcom someone whom I'm not. God has not called me to bcom who they say of me anyway. God has called me to bcom a woman of God, after His heart and serving Him all of my life with the joy that sustains me. I don't have to bcom someone whom I'm not. I shared this with Clare and Kevin just before LCE, and they said "I'm glad you know that you're not. And you don't have to try to become one. Just be yourself". Yes! Just be myself!! I am not gonna entertain whoever who will be next (whoever that maybe sent by the enemy) to tell me that they're afraid of me, that they think I'm not straight, etc. I'll rebuke them in the name of Jesus. I'm happy being a female, and I will always be. Same to Waikay. If he ever calls me Mr.Grace again, I'm not gonna be very kind anymore. There are certain things that I cannot put off with so much grace and love. I have to be harsh. So just SHUT UP!

Now I truly see how powerful the tongue can be. To edify or to belittle someone. I shall use mine wisely.

posted at [11:46 PM]

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Intro

Thank you to all who visits my blog!! My entries would be a mirror of my life stories. Some of the entries might not sound edifying. However, at the end of the day, He'll bring good.
If you're looking for one with a "perfect" life, you'd be disappointed. I'm still human afterall, living in the imperfect earth and imperfect market.
My email: servantgrace777@gmail.com

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