Saturday, February 28, 2009
:: Saturated ::
I've not rested ever since the preparation for prelims commences. It's very very tiring..
I've a paper next at Monday (Management Accounting-2.15pm) and followed by Tuesday (Auditing-10am). Why is the timing so so terrible? I've somewhat 6hours to study for the next paper after Monday's. This is stupid.
I've got practice for easter later...hence it shows how much time I really left for constructive revision. I'm thinking of whether to just serve for one service only tomorrow. I'm thinking of where to go to study tomorrow. Bcoz if I go home......temptations to sleep, eat, surf the net, sing songs, watch tv, dance, etc.... Like that...no proper revision can be done.
Where should I go???
posted at [4:26 PM]
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Monday, February 23, 2009
:: Perhaps it's the way I portray myself ::
I felt like making a public declaration the other day. However, I thought to myself, "why bother? You cannot have everyone to believe in you. You cannot stop people from saying things that are not true about you".
I was really upset when the issue was even brought up by Clare. Previously it was Pamela. Back then it was Gillian (my 1st cell leader in tcc). Perhaps it's the way I look at people, that I used to not smile and always wear a frown, that people say I look "scary".
I grew up not knowing how I could approach people to teach me or mentor me. All I did was to observe. I observe the people around me, from people who were role models, professionals. There was once I kept observing my sec. sch's Head Prefect, till her classmates said that I'm a 'les". Honestly, back then I have no idea what that word meant, and I actually went back to ask my parents. I was really upset. I was only sec 1, and people passed this remark on me, which lasted about 3years (that's how rumours worked), till people around me understood me. Then my 1st cell leader said she was also initially afraid of me when she even knew that I was in tcc and in the same sec sch as her, and had to be my cell leader. She said she somehow knew that I'm not what people has been calling me, but she said that my actions make me look like one. And I was very upset then. Whenever I try to make new friends, some guys who were fond of that girl whom I'm friends with, would come up to me a shout at me. They are thinking that I'm trying to get afresh with their "girl". What?! I cried in school. Why doesn't anyone believe in me? I tried so hard, till I forced myself into a relationship with a guy I don't think I fully love him, so just to prove that I'm not a les.
Afterwhich, I think people sort of got tired of having their previous mindset about me, and many slowly understood me. Also bcoz they've grown to be more matured. I felt happy that people have finally know who I am, that I'm perfectly straight!
However, something happened in my final year in sec sch. It made me hated and grew to become more wary of "men". Hence, I stopped mixing around with guys. Although my teachers kept consoling me, and encouraging me, it took me sometime to get out of it.That was one of the reasons why I joined Taekwondo. P.Pete was really sharp and he identified the issue to me, but he didn't know exactly what has happened. But his words are very sharp. I'm glad I quitted and stop my nonsense. Strength comes from God, I need not use mine to conquer the enemy.
Naive, was I back then to think I could share my fears and struggles with just anyone around me in tcc. (bcoz not everyone is ready to listen) When I shared this with Pamela one day.....we lost contact for quite a long while...the next time we catch-up, it was after one of the CM practice. She told me back then when I shared with her that I was "afraid of guys in the MRT, and that I was very wary of them", she said she then started to avoid me and was afraid of me. Oh my...what's this?! I don't think a perfect and pure les would be afraid of guys? It doesn't fit into the definition I thought.
I was then thinking, why has so many people in my life gave me this remark. Am I really one bcoz alot of them are speaking that of me? I confessed that there was once I tried to "face reality", believing that I was really who they say of me, and I tried to become one. I tried for less than a day and I gave up. I couldn't do it. I don't know how to bcom one! I don't have the qualities to bcom one!
I gave up trying to bcom someone whom I'm not. God has not called me to bcom who they say of me anyway. God has called me to bcom a woman of God, after His heart and serving Him all of my life with the joy that sustains me. I don't have to bcom someone whom I'm not. I shared this with Clare and Kevin just before LCE, and they said "I'm glad you know that you're not. And you don't have to try to become one. Just be yourself". Yes! Just be myself!! I am not gonna entertain whoever who will be next (whoever that maybe sent by the enemy) to tell me that they're afraid of me, that they think I'm not straight, etc. I'll rebuke them in the name of Jesus. I'm happy being a female, and I will always be. Same to Waikay. If he ever calls me Mr.Grace again, I'm not gonna be very kind anymore. There are certain things that I cannot put off with so much grace and love. I have to be harsh. So just SHUT UP!
Now I truly see how powerful the tongue can be. To edify or to belittle someone. I shall use mine wisely.
posted at [11:46 PM]
:: Worship is for Him alone, I don't need approval to Worship ::
I found this on one of the youth's blog, and I'm amazed. I've seen how this boy who was initially from DL, and kept jumping about when he entered IGNYTE Sec 1. Haha.. Till I saw him served in the Father's Love as a .....I don't know what you call that. "Stomp"?? He was able to show concern for people around him. I usually thought guys of this age would "hack-care" about situations around them. But I was wrong when he actually asked me out of concern, when I had a relapse of hyperventilation during the Father's Love production. I'm believing that IGNYTE has made the youths grown to become extraordinary people after God and with compassion for His people. My perception has changed.
Here's what I read on his blog:
Why do we worship our lord? Is it because others are worshiping him too??
The answer can be found in 1st corinthians 10:31.
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God"
Yes, worshiping God is Glorifying him.
Worship = worthship -- Devoting the worthiness of an individual to receive special honour in accordance with his worth.
How do we glorify God?
1) Cultivate a habit of including God in every segment of your life. Thus explaining 1 cor 10:31.
2) Refusing to expect or accept any glory that belongs to God. Ask yourself why are you serving?? Is it really to glorify God?
3)Mantaining a priority relationship with HIM that is more important than any other on earth.
4) Living a life of giving.
posted at [11:29 PM]
:: I am lacking motivation and discipline ::
Why am I finding it so hard to focus during my revision? I can't really do a proper revision. What is it that's distracting me?
I feel that I'm very very slow in my revisions. But the more I want to go faster and deeper, the slower I get. I'm very tired easily these days. I don't understand why. Is it because I don't really enjoy what I am doing or what is it? I quite like doing the stuff I do whenever I'm doing it, but somehow I never complete them. It's always half-way there, and I'll end up doing something else....such as watching TV and eating snacks, sleeping.... Oh man...I cannot continue this way.
posted at [6:25 PM]
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Wednesday, February 18, 2009
:: The email and the sms ::
I remember vividly, during LCE as P.Dom mentioned that his dad is in ICU and has been operated on for straight 14hours. Everyone quietened, and was in compassion. After prayer and when it was time for District Time, I saw P.Dom's brother, who looked really disheartened but he held back his emotions so as to comfort his mum/aunt (a lady who's elder than him, but I don't know their relations) who was crying, and her eyes were red and she had to clear her tears away every now and then with the tissue in her hand. My emotions were stirred. All I could do was to keep him in prayer.
Then came the email today, from Pastor Gary. Uncle Anthony left home for the Lord. Then followed by another two smses from Trinity to inform the same message and also where the wake will be held. Initially I felt angry and yet helpless, that there's nothing I can do and that my prayers didn't work. However, I knew that God's plans are better. He knows what's best. And we were assured that He is in safe hands now, and is very very happy to be with the Lord.
Lord Jesus, when the day arrives, when it is my turn to go, I want to be happy to leave the world and come to You. However, I do feel unworthy and unclean at times when I disobeyed or sinned. Let me stay pure and holy for You. It involves a whole lot of people than I thought so. My countenance and my purity would be an impact on the ministry I give to my family, the church, my relationships with my friends, my confidence in my studies, my trust in You to find me a job, etc. The list goes on. Let me always be ready and pure & holy to leave and be with You at anytime, anywhere. That's my commitment that I do not want to break anymore. I have had enough of nonsense. This is real business. I know it's not gonna be easy. And it doesn't mean I wouldn't end up sinning anymore. But it will take greater effort to overcome temptations and to conquer the nature of sinning over humanity in me. You've broke the curse of sin, that we're no longer slaves to sin. Therefore, whatever human nature is, you can bring me to the place where I no longer worry that I would fall into any sin. Instead I would worry of how much more I can do in partnership to glorify Your name.
posted at [4:42 PM]
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Saturday, February 14, 2009
:: Don't Underestimate God ::
As I was on my way home, after jam+cell, I ran into ZiYu and QiuYan. I don't know why, but QiuYan started talking alot to me. I was like...eh, I'm not a youth leh, so stop counselling me, etc etc.. But I didn't say that out. But I guess God has sent her to keep reminding me (as QiuYan keep repeating again and again) to trust Him and not to underestimate His power in my job application.
Although I went into technicalities and practical techniques in the discussion of job search with QiuYan, 75% of the time she kept asking me to pray, seek God, trust Him, don't underestimate Him. I wanted to stop her and ask her for more tips, practical tips, but she just kept saying pray, seek, trust, etc etc.... I was wondering why?
I guess I really have to keep trusting Him and not fret each time I see another friend got an offer, etc. I need strength to trust Him, whenever I see a tide of wave coming onto my right, my left, in front of me. I need mental strength to trust.
I need lots of mental strength to concentrate on my studies whenever I'm revising. I need full concentrate to not allow my mind or my attentional span be distracted. Stop watching TV! Watching TV reduces attention span vastically! I need lots of stamina to wake up at 7am everyday to do my revision, and be disciplined.
I need the assuring love of God to know that I need not seek approval from man in ministry, in school, etc to have a place to stand. Katherine ever mentioned this, although I kinda rephrased it: Respect isn't earn from a person's status, in fact, everyone should earn a respect from one another. In other words, I shouldn't be biased to only respect those in higher positions, i.e your boss, your leaders, your lecturers, the scholars in school, etc.
posted at [10:38 AM]
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Tuesday, February 10, 2009
:: Perfectionist? ::
Somehow I wasn't satisfied with myself. I didn't came in exactly on the second beat of "Let...Heaven". My steps aren't sharp enough as yet. When I took a video of myself, I didn't like what I see. It's just not good enough. And I keep doing it everyday. Everyday's video has a difference. Alamak.. But I think it's getting better. If I have a video of the entire steps that will be good (only for me, bcoz the rest won't be as free/wu-liao as I am to watch it and practice).
But thank God I can grasp the steps very fast, although I didn't perfect or sharpen the steps that fast. Am I a perfectionist or what? Must it be that good afterall? I just can't let it off if it's of mediocre standard. I don't know why. Same for academics. Sloppy work I'm not interested in, unless I know that it's already the best I can give. Haha...
On Sunday's practice, Victoria mentioned a term for the turns we were supposed to do, and I went to ask Jane further for the spelling of the term, haha. And then, I found this on wikipedia.
Chaines / Chainé turns / Chaines turns
See Glossary of ballet terms#Chaînés.
French for 'chain', this step is a turn with the body held in a static 1st, taking half a turn from one foot to the other. Many put together in a sequence form a chain of small turns.
Chaînés (ballet term)
This is a common abbreviation for tours chaînés déboulés, which is a series of quick turns on alternating feet with progression along a straight line or circle. They are also known as chaînés tournes. In classical ballet it is done on the pointes or demi-pointes (on the balls of the feet).
Basically we're moving towards our right for both of the turns at "...Hosanna" and "Lift up your voice and sing". Hence, it's also clockwise. Haha.. Alright...this has become very theoretical. Unfortunately I can't find any videos or pics of chaines to upload here.
posted at [10:26 AM]
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Saturday, February 07, 2009
:: It is all Calm again ::
GOtta learn how to handle emotions.
How come is it that towards the final exams, I see the ugly side of man? We're living in a practical reality. Hmm.. However, I thank God for the bunch of friends who are still sincere. I'm praying that I can cope and do well. At least 2nd Upper Honors.
I asked this question on Friday, what's the difference between "Consequences of sin and retribution". Clare said she has to answer, but she's not telling me.. She only give me clue and hints. Argh... The clue she gave was "What's the definition of sin", and to analyse it in that direction. Hmm... Maybe I'll write an article on that topic. Shall submit to her and John & the cell one day. Haha..
Yesterday I fret again. Please forgive me. Was chatting to Clare about it, and finally decided to do something. She was right. I have to face my fears and handle it myself. I can't always have someone else to do that for me. I never learn and in fact, I become more afraid as I rely on others. And I did it, and didn't dare to think about the consequences. However, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm always afraid that others would feel that I'm irritating, harrassing them, and that I'm a pain in their neck, a sight of detest. I wonder why. This, I need to find the root of it.
However, after finding out that the person actually doesn't hate me or dislike me as I thought, I still am in disbelief. I'll seek and try to find actions of the person that represent his or her psychological contract breach. The more I seek, the more I'll find. At the end of the day, I conclude that this or that person hates/dislike me for very trivial or minor incidents. (That's a revision of HRM theory anyway).
That is NOT TRUE, Grace! You're PRECIOUS! To God, to your family, your friends, the ministry and to the workplace at large!! Of course, you can't have everyone to love you 100%. But you also can't have everyone to hate/dislike you, am I right?
My next fear was induced by Nicky lor... She said the worst thing that can happen to you in a dance audition is that you don't get selected. Then wad's next? She said the worst thing that can happen to you when you're already selected is that you get kicked out! Sigh...Nicky!!! Why must you say that.... *Reject reject that mentality**. I'm not working towards a goal of not being kicked out, but I want to work towards excellence. Similarly, in academics, you definitely don't just work towards a mere pass so that you don't fail the subject and having to repeat it. You definitely work towards a distinction or a desired grade!
But I want to thank God for providing me this opportunity which I've waited for 2 years. Time passed real fast, since the day I decided to learn dance was during 2006 Easter. It started from the samaritan woman, to alive, and so on. Only Rachael knows when it really started, and MinMin was the spark of why it happened. Haha... But I must thank them too..haha. Rachael, I know you'll surely read this. Thank you!
posted at [10:42 PM]
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Sunday, February 01, 2009
:: Phew.. ::
Initially, I didn't feel like going for the auditions. Somehow, why is EVERYONE asking me to go this time?? I definitely didn't tell alot of people of what I wanted to try. Priscillia made me do warm up with her even before Pastor Victor gave the briefing.
Then I hid outside Classroom 6, not daring to enter, until Vera and Wantze had to give me their stare. Haha.. When I entered, I was surprised to see only me and Yinshi. Where are the rest? I thought there will be alot alot of people. I guess that's bcoz IGNYTE isn't involved this round. That explains the shrank in crowd, even right from the start of the briefing. It's definitely alot lesser people.
Somehow this round, I like the dance. It's very modern and contemporary. Very Jane's style...haha. I like contemporary. How do I differentiate modern from contemporary? I really don't know leh. But I just know that this style of dance is similar to what captivated me when I saw the dance of the Samaritan woman. Very emotional ma...haha...
The steps are very flowy, and it allows your emotions to enter into dance mode. Haha.. And the last part of the dance seems very JJ Lin style.
I also realised I need not do what I initially intended to do at the audition. That's to pretend to be blind, by removing my contact lenses and glasses. I need not do so bcoz I already can't see anyone else during the dance. Although I know that Clare was standing somewhere watching, Pastor Victor also somewhere looking at the dancers, Wantze, Vera, etc. INVISIBLE...during the moment of the dance, bcoz my emotions took over me. Does that sound dangerous?? Hmm....
I didn't audition for soloist female parts bcoz they only need 1 female soloist, and they've sorta eye-balled certain ones already. What's more, the soloist has a role of an "adulterous"? I don't think I have the qualities to become an adulterous yet. Haha... "yet".....
posted at [7:30 PM]
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