Wednesday, December 24, 2008
:: Where's The Courage? ::
Why and where's my courage? When Pastor Peter asked who knows the song, why didn't I dare to say I can try. P.Pete needs a "deh" voice similar to Jasmine's, and I knew I have that similar deh voice. But..why didn't I dare to raise up my hand to say "Pastor, let me try". Is it because I'm hold back by the fact that I'm a singer, not a co-leader, therefore he can't be looking for anyone from our side.
Not true. Not true! I don't believe in that.
Not bcoz I feel that Joan can't do a good job, but that I have a more suitable voice for the song. Joan's voice is alittle too mature. haha. Sigh. Somehow I don't know where's my courage to stand out from the circumstances or the mindset that choir singers are not supposed to do things beyond their circle.
posted at [5:28 PM]
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Monday, December 22, 2008
:: Why did they cried for me? ::
I feel that I'm such a letdown at times. Whenever I remember my loved ones who cried for me, I question and reprimanded myself for making the same mistake over again.
It pains me to see their eyes welled up with tears that they hold back, so as not to let them roll down. Rachael ever mentioned that "elder sisters" often has the strength and perceived responsibility that they should not cry in front of their younger sister, so that they would not affect them or would not imply further upset. I've always been an elder sister, and I never had anyone or seen anyone in that scenario. Till, on the two incidents, one with Clare and another with Ellen.
On the 20th Nov, when I met up with Clare, and shared with her something from my heart.. Something that has been hurting me. Initially I thought that perhaps she just yawned or something, that's why her eyes are red. But, it didn't seem to go away. It looks as though she was crying along side with me. I didn't bother to hold back any tears, and just let go. Her voice also went softer when she was praying for me and somehow I can hear that she was also feeling painful on the inside. Why? I thought it's only me who's suffering, and it's only me should be in sorrow.
This made me recall the TV AD on TV Mobile, on "Say No to Drug Abuse", which says "When you sniff glue, it's not you only who suffers. There are others who are suffering with you". I was reminded of God's love. He would also cry and share the sorrow whenever I'm experiencing it. Covenantal Relationship. Just like I would have tears welled up in my eyes when I see Rachael crying as she shared her testimony over the pulpit.
After a month, I met up with Ellen y'day, 21st Dec. Actually I also shared with her that same incident I shared with Clare. Somehow God spoke to Ellen prophetically and she sensed the pain I'm going through, but couldn't identify what was it till she approached me. Hmm..God, let this be DEALT with and DONE with. I don't want another sister to experience the pain I'm going/went through. Y'day, as Ellen was praying, she sounded different. I didn't realise anything till she had prayed finished. I saw her eyes were red and there were tears that were about to roll down. She still wears a smile in front of me, but I could see it drop when she turned to get her jacket. I didn't know what to do.
(Me and my sister-who was a baby then. My sister is always looking up towards me, in pics and in life)
I now then understand why my sis would often say she felt helpless whenever she sees me upset or in a bad mood. I felt helpless and I didn't know what I can do when I saw Clare and Ellen in that state. I felt like crying, but I'm afraid that it would worsen the situation.
Therefore I draw to Him and prayed for them. The above is a little book of mine, to store Bible verses.
posted at [2:53 PM]
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Sunday, December 21, 2008
:: I've Done It ::
Phew.. The week is over! This week's crazy. I had to prepare for tests, had to prepare for consultations, meet my lecturer for consultation on job related issues, had christmas practices, had to busy shop for christmas gifts, had to meet up with Kat........
Thank God! I'm experience Your favor God! You are so real, that I can't deny that fact. I always like attention, and I do experience it from You in so many ways! I pray Lord that You'll bring me to the correct job soon before I graduate. Help me, make provisions for me!
This morning I was so so tensed up to meet Kat. Although the lunch arrangement was switched to breakfast at 10.40am before 2nd service at PL, it kinda means we've less time to talk about things. Well, the faster the better. Less smoky then. Before she arrive, I happen to end up sitting with P.Pete and the gang of co-leaders with a few singers (Shufang & Andrew). P.Pete keep giving me that "signature" look. I will keep reminding him that I'm still wearing a smile. P.Pete very kapo leh. Haha. He saw my handphone and took it without me knowing, and he saw my wallpaper (my childhood pic with my sis, who was still a baby then). He asked me, "Who's this?" but instead of replying his qns, I exclaimed "Why's my phone with you?!" haha!
Somehow when I was still waiting for the appearance of Kat, I kept fidgeting and mentioning that "I'm so scared". Till P.Pete asked, "Why are you so scared? What are you scared of? Why is she so scared?". hahah!! When I'm in the midst of waiting, I do silly things. I recite a phrase or two in cantonese, saying "Ngoh hai leng loy. Lei hai leng loy. Ngoh tey dou hai leng loy". Till TJ/Jen asked who told you that? I replied, "Jesus and myself said so". haha!! Then P.Pete asked, "When Jesus saw you He didn't ask you NGOH HAI BING GOR?". Alamak! My vocab for cantonese is pretty limited, and I didn't understand him. Till Shufang interpreted that statement; "Jesus didn't ask you WHO AM I?" ahah!! Lame...haha
When Kat finally finally arrive, I was like "The time has come...". She sat down and waited for me to start talking (still not knowing what I'm gonna say). I fidgeted, looked around, then finally spoke. Told her I wanted to meet her bcoz I wanted to apologise to her. Somehow she didn't see what I've done has affected at all. Haha!
I ever smsed her a message that's supposed to passed to the leaders, so just to show her that Hey Look! I'm called to do something big! I'm not a nobody hor! However, she said this, which reminded myself alot. She said "Hmm..maybe you might think that positions are very important to you, but it might not be for others. So if you sms this, to show that you're hving a certain position, I don't see it as anything. I should also apologise that you've failed in achieving what you've intended. Haha". Alamak... I also mentioned to her that I didn't only purposely sms such stuff to her to attract approval from people and to believe in my importance. She replied, "Our importance is not in positions, not in others' approval of us, not whether others respect us or not. Remember that our importance is in God, becoz we're His children". Something I knew it all the time, but yet I'm not exercising it 24/7.
She told me that most people would not have any effect when receiving such "accidental" msgs from me. They wouldn't see me any "higher or bigger". They would just feel wierd to receive msgs that don't belong to them. Hmm.. That's OUCH! But but...like what Kat also said, "Move on and learn from the incident lor". Hmm.. I wonder how someone can be so open to say that, after knowin what I've done all these while. It takes a certain amount of maturity and seniority. I need that alot.
She kept reminding me, even on our way to the stairway for prayer b4 service, that "Your importance is in GOd. Never in man. Man will fail you. Even if you b'com the WL of the team, you can also feel unimportant and not respected from man. But in God, you're important. P.Pete is respected not bcoz he's a pastor. Not bcoz of his age. He's younger than many of the ME singers, musicians, etc. BUt he's still respected, bcoz everyone should be respected".
Everyone should be respected!!! That's the key!! Everyone should be respected!!!
posted at [8:31 PM]
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Friday, December 19, 2008
It has been Very LONG...
It has been very very long since I last wrote here. Hvn't been hving time for myself to do any reflections. It has been busy from IWCP party, to assignments, tests, schoolwork, etc. You name it, I have it. I don't hv the luxury of time for holidays. Argh. Till I hv to give Campus Camp a miss. I hope I can still manage when I go for the other camp on 9th-11th Jan. Hope I would really learn much from the Career Dvlpt event.
I'm meeting James together with Brian for a consultation not on Management Accounting. But on interview technical questions preparations and resume review. Pretty scary.
I felt not really prepared for this morning's micro consultation, but at least I manage to go thru 3 exam questions with Mark harris. If I'd prepared more papers, could hv gone thru more! Anyway, it's good to try a couple per week.
Tomorrow's pretty scary day for me too. Sunday too! Oh my goodness. Why didn't I think before arranging so many all in a week!
Saturday (tomorrow) is my dance session at Studio Wu. It's gonna be only a one day event for charity. I'm signing up for hip-hop. 1-3classes. Jane's reccommendation. Hope it'll go well, and I can follow the class. I'm so afraid of the people I'd meet there. Will they accept me? Will I be far too slow from them? Will they think my dressing is wierd? So many questions... But I believe God will bring me in and out safely.
Sunday, I'll be meeting Kat! Shiver** Because I owe her an apology for being very rude to her the past few months. What's up with me?! Why do I keep having to apologise to people? Do I? No la, just Kat and P.Pete previously. Is it? Eh, I think also to some of the ME folks the other time when I became so fed-up when they started calling me "small Grace". And also me ignoring people completely when I'm not feeling well; can't concentrate when people talk to me and me coughing and feeling giddy.
Anyway, I sorta planned my "script" to say to Kat. God I pray for reconciliation. Let friendship and sistership be birth once again. God check my heart and let me understand myself, and what I want and how You want it to be.
posted at [12:26 PM]
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Wednesday, December 10, 2008
God, Only You Can Save Me!
I'm so afraid God. I don't want others to see my life as nothing compared to a nobody. I want to shine. Somehow why is it so hard to shine? My studies, my future career. They're now appearing to be "broken dreams" and I don't know how can they be revived.
Joyce Myers said "Trusting You is an attitude, a choice, that I choose to trust in You even when the whole world's worrying".
I've been trying to. I know You love me, and never want to leave the least for me, but You will give the best to me. However, Lord Jesus, please open my eyes to receive it. What should I do, what measures should I take to get to the best? I want to play my part. Teach me, what should I do next.
I know You've been sending many different ones around me to help me out. However, I can't always rely on man. God, teach me to rely on YOU!
In my dream a night ago, I remember telling this little sweet girl "All you have to do is just to ask the man for it. It's not true that he doesn't love you, therefore he doesn't give you. He didn't give it to you because you didn't ask. You just sat here waiting and looking. You didn't ask. You have to ask him". I remember this little girl then going up to the man to ask him for that something she wants, and she finally got it from his hands and was delighted. I then reminded her, "See, now you've got what you wanted after you asked from him".
I'm still pondering over this dream, and I wonder what God wants to speak to me. God, I ask and I ask LARGELY. The world school, the world S'pore says it's IMPOSSIBLE, but I want to ask from You as I'm Your daughter, Your princess. I want to ask for job even in the times like this. I ask for GOOD JOB. I want to learn and gather experience in audit. Lead me Lord, to the place. If a smaller audit firm would allow me to learn more, lead me to one. Tell me which to apply to.
I'm trusting in You.
posted at [7:55 PM]
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Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Doing For Him, Only For Him I Do
What's the PROBLEM: (1) Information Overload, (2) Negative Filtering, (3) Lack of Follow-up.
Trying to get out of something you've been battling for almost a decade, however to no avail as yet? You feel helpless at times, however you do feel Victorious at other times too. You ask yourself whether are you ever gonna win with FULL As or just "A,B,F,A,A". Here are some guidelines I could share. [Extracted from "Know Can Do. Put your know-how into action." by Ken Blanchard, Paul Meyer, Dick Ruhe]
Information Overload.
What does that mean? All along I know in the nutshell of who God is and that He love me because the Bible said so. I knew that from the Bible, from books, from people, etc. However, the main focus isn't head knowledge. The centre of KNOWING HIM is EXPERIENCING HIM. When was the last time you encountered Him? Was it 3years back, or when was it? It's only by getting closer to Him, listening to Him, following His directions, obeying Him, loving Him, reading His Word, encountering Him, receiving His vision, that can began to KNOW Him. Otherwise, all would be just textbook knowledge. Why can't head knowledge let us know Him?
We retain only a small fraction of what we read and hear only once. Therefore, we should read and learn less more and not more less. REPEAT THEM OVER TIME. It may seem silly to repeat this sentence every morning in front of your mirror, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In Him I have the Victory". However, if you really do so for 21weeks, you're really gonna become what you say! Therefore, speak LIFE and live LIFE. Once you've become what you speak, you'll be better able to make BIG THINGS HAPPEN!
Negative Filtering.
Here we've got a big stinking thinking to clear. People are often too negative, which gives them an inadequate filtering system. Let me ask you a question. Is positive thinking more powerful than negative thinking? I would certainly say so. Then is it a CHOICE to choose between positive thinking and negative thinking? Of course you do. Then why don't most people choose positive thinking over negative thinking? That's because we're often programmed that way. Let me show you how.
Right from the beginning, I think all of us are searching for unconditional love. We don't want to be loved conditionally, depending on what we do or say on any given day. We want to be loved for who we are. Unfortunately, all the people who are gathered around us (our parents and other adults) haven't necessarily gotten this kind of unconditional love themselves, which makes it hard for them to give it. This they tend to love us conditionally, based on our behavior. So we are constantly trying to do things to gain approval and a sense of belonging. NOW, you'd ask "How does this relate to negative thinking?"
As kids, we tried to get attention thru our achievements, seeking praise and approval from our parents. It was a frustrating process, bcoz, like all of us, our parents tended to accentuate the negative rather than the positive. When we behaved well, they expected it and therefore didn't say anything. When we did something wrong, they jumped all over us! I'm not saying it's wrong to correct kids when they're off course, BUT not without positive reinforcement too. When we don't get caught doing right, we start to doubt ourselves and doubt others. We begin setting up defense mechanisms (saying nothing will go right for me) to protect ourselves. We start filtering everything that comes to us thru a mind that is totally dominated by negative thinking. Our minds bcom CLOSED. We adopt judgemental attitudes and our insights are fear driven.
HOWEVER, no matter how bad our situations or backgrounds are, God will ALWAYS TURN them AROUND for us so in order that we FULFILL our DESTINY He has placed in each of us. Don't believe me. Listen to this. The author of this book was reprimanded in school for mispronouncing his words, and he didn't like school. However, can you belive that he is NOW an AUTHOR? What made him bcom one? His department chairman's belief in him, and had praised him for who he really is. God sends people around us to REMIND us of WHO WE ARE in HIM. Amen? I least expect anyone would comment on my smile, and thought that I don't look good and I'm not a person fitted to smile persay. However, Clare was the 1st person who complimented on my smile. However, that's not the end. I'm still working on it. Especially at times when the situations unable me to smile. Can you see what's happening?
First, one person who shows confidence in you can make all the difference in the world! Second, we have a choice about who we're going to listen to!! What you choose today, determines your tomorrow, yeah? However, I know we do make wrong choices at times, submit them all to God and He'll make your paths straight!! Believe it!! Otherwise, those who have gone onto the wrong path, could not come back onto the right one. Which isn't true! We've seen drug addicts, former robbers turning a new leaf! God is so great, and nothing can be against Him. He's the NAME above all NAMES. "Sin" is a name, and therefore, God is GREATER than sin! That's the concept.
Therefore, instead of saying "I can't write, I can't write, I can't write", try saying "I CAN write, I CAN write, I AM A WRITER!" For my case, I'll say, "I CAN SOLVE THE QUESTIONS. I AM AN ACCOUNTANT. I AM A FINANCIAL PLANNER"
Lack of Follow-Up.
Since some people, after they are exposed to something new (The TRUTH, Good Strategies for deliverance), don't have a follow-up plan, guess what happens? They REVERT BACK to OLD HABITS. People need a follow-up plan to put their know-how into action. What's follow-up then?
It's a review of how are you doing with the given knowledge/help now. It's to TELL ME, SHOW ME, LET ME, OBSERVE ME, PRAISE MY PROGRESS/REDIRECT ME. After saying so much, how to follow-up, you would ask. Follow-up is providing more structure, support and accountability. Structure and accountability can be provided when you plan to meet up your mentor once every 2 weeks, for 15-30minutes. However, most of us worry, of who can be our mentor to help us in the area where we need help. Who would be available for me to meet me once every 2 weeks? Find somebody who you can trust to give you support in prayer and in mentoring. I'm sure there would be many who would be willing to help. It need not necessarily need to be once every 2 weeks. It can be once a month, etc. During the follow-up, the mentor will then TELL YOU, SHOW YOU, LET YOU, OBSERVE YOU, PRAISE YOUR PROGRESS/REDIRECT YOU.
One-on-one meetings and outside telephone coaching are also helpful vehicles for closing the knowing-doing gap.
After hearing all of the above. What should you do? Start planning your follow-ups, and practice the steps mentioned above.
posted at [9:43 PM]
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Tuesday, December 02, 2008
I AM GONNA LOSE MY COOL
What's wrong with you people!?! I really feel like emailing this to everyone. But I didn't. I wanted to scold people or beat someone up!!!!!!!
What's so wrong about sending emails via "Reply All"? I always believe in transparency and accountability. What's so big deal about someone receiving 50 emails per day? That isn't any big amount I've handled before. If you don't like it, and don't want to be involve, then please opt yourself out!! Since you enjoy not knowing what's happening, and prefer to be in suspense. THen so be it!! Later don't come crying and asking around about the details and what to do. It'll be NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!! Really makes me feel like kicking someone's butt. Kick off the planet.
Please stop adding fuel when the flame has already started. Can't you see or sense? Where have your senses been to? MARS or the MOON? Please can you just stop it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And shut up!! Never have you been trying to improve the situation. You're always making worst.
posted at [1:52 PM]
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