Thursday, November 20, 2008
:: My Breakthrough Will Come ::
I had dinner with Clare this evening. We initially walked towards Anchor Point from Queenstown MRT, then we decided to settle at IKEA for dinner instead. haha!! All because I can't make up my mind on what to eat, and kept suggesting cheaper outlets. We ate the famous meatballs at the Cafe at IKEA. Clare treated again. I didn't know how to reject, and this time there wasn't Rachael to help me say "don't need la", etc. Just accepted the treat. Promised her that I'll treat her BIG ONE when I finally have income.
Clare made me say "grace" for the meal. As usual, whenever someone asks me to say "grace" for the meals, I would purposely pray extra softer, that they have to strain their ears to hear my prayer. Wahaha!! As we chatted over the meals, I just let out my inner feelings about why I feel so upset having not yet commissioned as a SP. I feel that I need to release this, so that I need not be angry about it anymore. It has been 4 years, so get it done. Anger causes tiredness. Don't you agree? My mindset was very corporate. Especially one who has done Human Resource Management, and done well for the subject. I guess I cannot exactly apply everything I learnt into reality. That's sad I know. That's why some would say that the subject is crapped!! Actually I learnt from her that she does have similar struggles with regards to that too. Then she learnt to accept it, as the culture is different from that at USA.
Actually I didn't know what I really possess till I articulate them. I shared with Clare that what I usually did when I was still in IGNYTE. Bcoz I was given the role to lead Glorify in cell, and I totally had no experience in leading worship. What did I do then? I went to attend adult services. I attend them only for the first and the last 15minutes. Why? I went in, sat down (while everyone else stood up to worship), and took notes of how the different WLs led worship. Whenever I tell this to anyone, they would often be so shocked...why? Is that very extreme? The first 15minutes was to tell how the WL lead the people (from sleepy mode, or blur, or angry mode) into worship. The last 15minutes was to know how to lead worship for the altar call, so as to learn how to bring people from the sermon into practice or into engaging with the Word. Bcoz P.Poh sometimes would make me lead after Grow, so I've gotta be very alert on the type of songs I choose especially after Grow (bcoz it's usually impromptu and on the spot). I learnt alot from there. Actually till now, I'm still observing different ones whenever they are leading. I see the different struggles and see how P.Pete resolves them. I observe the band dynamics and spiritual realm a WL leads the people into engagement. I know how a simple melody on the E-Guit could bring people closer and to a more intensive level. I also know that we need the Bass alot to carry the atmosphere. Waikay!! It's very important okie!!! I also know that the piano is important to initiate a new song or a new arrangement or a new atmosphere setting. That's why sometimes ppl say I look very distracted during morning EQs, especially during the mike-test. Bcoz big time I was observing the musicians, the co-leaders and the WL.
Actually today. I don't know why. I began to share with Clare my deepest struggles. I guess I was just desperate, and need further advice/help. Again, "Come to the Father!". Since I know the root of the issue, is Love, I can then deal with it objectively. She was really serious when I shared with her. I was then abit afraid, like eh..should I have not share with her?
Then we went to a staircase at some void deck and started praying there. I can't believe I did this. Never done this in my life. To speak in tongues, declare, consecrate, cry, etc at a staircase. It appeared like a mini-altar call at the alley. I will remember the question, "What do you want to do for God?", and "Do you want to soul-out for Him?". I felt so tiny for a sudden. I tell you when Clare gets serious, it's really no joke.
Okie, I really have to ask myself. Yes, if this is what I want, then Grace, you have to be serious about it. Like what Ellen has said, that there's no turning back after it. Okie! Grace, overcome this, and the rest of your life, left only to glorify Him! Stressed...I was really stressed. But, I have decided. No more turninng back. Okie, agreed. Then we prayed. Declared, "My hands will only do things that pleases you, make music for Your Name, create wealth when there isn't any, worship You". I could suddenly see the many other things I could do. I'm excited. I don't know why.
She and I prayed and spoke into my life, breaking the strings of attachment to the issue. Instead of daydreaming of the "perfect guy", etc, I should now visualise that God is always there with me. I will remember to let Him hold my hands, to dance with Him, just enjoy being with Him. The media is a graveyard to many sins. It often portrays a wonderful image and prospect of love, family, friends. So much so that when it doesn't happen in reality, we get disappointed. We would often day-dream of the "role model" we see on TV. When we get hooked onto the drama, that's worst. The day-dreaming gets heavy to shake off. Then we'll realise we've gone away from the reality into a virtual self-made reality (a.k.a. La-La Land).
That's why most of the time my friends identify to me that I looked very "lost" and "distracted". Because the self-made reality has become a reality itself. I would then find difficulties relating to reality. Clare then nagged at me to NOT WATCH TV anymore. Oh no.... Watch News can ah? Even cartoons themselves do have such "unrealistic" myths. If it's my downfall, it's better to turn away. More time to spend on my books isn't it? First Class honors nearer to my door-step. Woohoo... I'm excited again. But I'm rather worried that it would die down.
Her one tip she gave, to my amaze, was whenever I felt like I'm going to fall into the same trap, "Lift up my hands to worship Him". Amen!! *hint*
posted at [11:42 PM]
_____________