Tuesday, November 25, 2008
:: I Can Preach! ::
This is a pic of the dress YanRu bought for my birthday. Finally know how to wear it. Thank you Yanru!
Haha. I can preach! I don't know how I did it, but I did. Here's sermon notes:
Let me name today's topic as, Mental Strength. Whenever I fall, I get up. Whenever I'm far behind others, I catch up. We need to have a strong mental strength. Instead of feeling sorry for myself for failing once again, feeling depressed that others are always faster than myself, all of these could have been easier and simpler. Get up! Catch up! Move forward! Our emotions belong to God. If we want to take control over our emotions, to feel sad and all of that, God will certainly let us do so. He'll just wait for us to deal with it until we know that we need Him. Why even let emotions hinder you from moving forward? Just move forward! Say it with me, "Move Forward"! Some of you might be swelled up into emotions till you don't know how to move forward. Bring your emotions to the altars of God, and don't take them back. Imagine this with me. If you proceed to the check-in counter at the airlines, and place your luggage with them, you will not expect yourselves having to carry them back and onto the plane am I right? If you have to do so, that is a very LOUSY airline. Do we serve a "lousy" God? No! When we place our emotions at the altars, just LEAVE THEM THERE and go home! Don't run back to the altars to get them back! Let God deal with those emotions of yours. After doing so, you'd ask, what's next? Ask God what is it He wants you to do in order to move forward. Some of you it could be having to switch careers. I've heard of many testimonies that are life changing when these ones switch their careers, aligning them to His way. I don't know what's yours and what's yours, but we can certainly know our very own, when we ask God. Amen?
These words that I've just written here, and preached to myself (on my way to school) has impacted me real lot. After listening to the various downloaded sermon series recommended by Clare, I find myself speaking the same manner as they does. I like Joyce Meyers' sermon, on Trusting Attitude. Initially I thought listening to sermons would become a chore, and I wonder why Clare even asked me to do so. Oops, haha. However, after trying to listen to one sermon, I felt that I wanted to listen to another. I went to the extent that I wrote notes about the sermon I listened to, and also songs on it.
Today, I decided that in order for me to FULLY and COMPLETELY consecrate my life to Him, I should remove ALL that compromises. Let me emphasize it once again. Remove ALL that compromise. Hence, I took the painful step of this episode. I DELETED ALL my secular songs in my MP3. I wanted to SLAP myself after doing so. Whatever that feeds the flesh, shall be removed! Besides listening to Clare's advice of avoiding watching TV, I guess that isn't enough. Becoz time to time I turned to alternatives and substitutes instead of turning totally to the Savior! I guess my MP3 was the first step. I believe God will again identify to me what's next to surrender. Ouch! It's gonna be a painful process.
Who can say that they don't need God? I need Him all the time, even for a simple journey on the train to school. I need God to be my FILTER of the words the people speak on the train. I definitely have no right to go up to the two guys and ask them to SHUT UP. I kept speaking in tongues on the train and kept my focus away from the dirty conversation of those two guys. Amazingly, then came songs after songs ringing in my head. Pretty old songs we sang in IGNYTE.
In school, I accidentally blurted out to YangTheng that I banned myself from watching TV. Anyone who hears that who certainly ask why? Same on Sunday, I accidentally blurted that in front of Jasmine, who also asked why. As I was talking to Yangtheng, I realised that I'm pretty affected by the environment around me. On my way home from school, I decided to analyse why do I do so. God identified those specific situations to me.
1) How envious and angry I felt when Clare got commissioned while I did not.
2) How angry and wronged I felt when WanTze was asked to co-lead (as Pris was absent), instead of me.
I then asked God, why do I feel that way. That's the same, when I was talking to Jerry about drama role-plays therapy. What do analyse after each role-play you acted. I then realised it has to do with my insecurity. I should not have laid my security on positions, people, etc. I asked God what and why has my insecurity got to do with this? No answer. Then I asked another question, what do You want me to do about this now, just tell me God.
I waited and waited. The atmosphere on the bus just suddenly changed. I wonder if it was just felt by me alone, or also the rest of the passengers. I felt warmt, even when the air-con kept blowing at me. I'm supposed to feel cold. My ears became so alerted, and it makes me assume that God's gonna speak in an audible voice again. But, there came a vision:
- I saw a stage, with only one spot light focused onto the centre of the stage. The rest of the stage looked really dark.
- Then I saw a kid playing with an elephant. Playing all she could.
- Then I saw this kid sleeping on the elephant.
- Wake up! I felt as if there was a need to ask this kid to wake up.
- And she woke up. She came down from elephant and walked towards me?
- I was like, wow, this kid is very pretty and adorable. (don't punch me). I started tearing.
- Then she looked down and reach to her drawing board.
- She then wrote this, "LOVE", and looked up to Someone in front of her.
- I can't see this Someone.
- She gave the piece of drawing paper with that very word to this Someone.
- Then she happily went to play with her other toys.
- This Someone used His scissors and cut the drawing paper into (I don't know the exact term for this) a longer and nicer artpiece; it looks like a stretch of foldable paper with shapes in each of the paper. Which looks like this:
I then asked Him, what does all this meant. I asked and asked. Waited and waited. Then I started tearing so much till I was rather embarrassed on the bus. It was a packed bus. Then came the answer, the SIMPLE answer. It's really very simple. All I have to do is just to submit to Him, and He'll expand it into a beautiful artpiece for His glory. Lord, I submit my heart to You, that You'll bring me peace to trust You, trust Your works and Your ways. I trust that You'll not only improve, but You'll expand it, just like the wonder artpiece I saw. My simple drawing, "LOVE", You could expand it and improve it to greater measure that I can't see for now. Furthermore, as my sister learned about this vision of mine, she identified to me that the artpiece also represented the linkages of each episodes. How amazing one vision can be.
My prayer Lord, is that You let me see what You see. I see my circumstances. Many are UGLY. But I know You see differently, because You can see the FINISHED PRODUCT, while I can't as yet. Teach me how to Trust You, give me the ATTITUDE to trust You! Amen!! Thank you Lord Jesus for the Vision!
posted at [7:53 PM]
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Sunday, November 23, 2008
:: Recap ::
Everyone needs to know this. I never knew it until Clare saw it. When I met up with Clare on Thursday evening for dinner, she asked me this, "Why are you wearing a Playboy Rabbit?". I was like, "what Rabbit? Ya ya, it's a rabbit above the love pendant". Then she emphasized that it's a Playboy Rabbit. For a moment, I thought it's just a rabbit, why does it has a name call Playboy? Then I asked, "Playboy Rabbit? What's a Playboy Rabbit?". She just stared at me!! I was like, "Eh.... Did I say something wrong?". After a few more seconds, then I said this, "Okie, you tell me about it later, when there are lesser people". After dinner, as Clare and I were walking over to her flat, she told me that there's this pornographic magazine and the logo is that rabbit. They called it playboy rabbit. I was like, "WHAT?!". Why on earth choose a rabbit for the logo?! Now I have to remove that pendant. Worst of all, I've been wearing it ALL over school for quite sometime. Oh my!! I wonder what some guys might have been thinking. Oh dear....dratz..
I went to Popular BookFest and found the foolscrap papers XiaoMing(MingJie) usually uses. Cool! So happy. Bought all 4 of them. Decided not to post the one in "red", as it's pretty non-edifying.
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This is a gift YangTheng gave for my birthday. haha. She gave it a few days before 19th Oct 2008, bcoz she mistook my birthday to be in Oct than in Nov. haha!
This is from Clare. She asked me to bless my family with these biscuits. haha. Christmas in advance, but the biscuits are really nice okie!
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This is a notebook Clare made for me. No one has made a notebook for me in my life! She handmade it!
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In it are Bible verses and definitions. Cool! No more excuses of no time reading the Bibile. Bcoz this notebook is small enough to be stored into my NEW wallet. I can read it as and when I want. No excuses of having a heavy bag, so can't carry Bible around. haha!
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A birthday Note from Clare. I'm very touched! Prophetic Word she wrote even before meeting me, "Holding His Hand". We ended up praying about it.
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This is the book I went to Bras Basah for, after shopping at Suntec. I'm still not quite sure if Mark Harris was referring to this. He's so nice. Recommend books, open to consultations even when I'm his ex-student.
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Birthday note from my mother. First time! haha... I saw it at 7am, when I was about to leave for school.
Birthday card made by my sis. Haha.. Nowadays we're into the notebook season..
YAY!! Pastor Peter gave me his extra guitar CAPO! haha. This morning I can't really listen clearly. When he said, "Grace come here", I heard it as "Praise be here". So I just walked out of the auditorium to the toilet area. Then Jasmine came out of the audi to tell me she heard Pastor calling me a no. of times, "Grace, come and see me". Then again, she was the same as me, she wasn't sure about it. And she joked about it, "Pastor says he want to see you! orh hor..". Then I went to peeked into the audi, trully enough, he hand-signalled me to come over, and handled me the CAPO! Yay!! haha. Which made me jumped around outside the audi for the next 10mins.
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This is G# when the CAPO is in the 1st fledge.
When I told the singers about the first fledge, play A-major in G-chords on second fledge, they didn't understand. I was telling Clare the other day that I believe all who are in CM Worship should do something to learn more about music. Singers shouldn't remain as singers on weekends. They should learn more. Not just learn only during practice. When I asked some to pitch in F, they'll complain they don't know what's F. I believe to be "professional" we should always keep improving and learning. It's not as if we're VERY GOOD already. It's quite sad actually, I feel.
posted at [5:40 PM]
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Friday, November 21, 2008
:: Can't Believe ::
I'm now at John's house as I'm typing this entry. But I'm all alone at his place. Here to take over the place, so that he can leave the house without locking it. Oops... I just smacked an insect dead a few seconds ago, near his older piano. So brave of me. The logic is "It's either I make you dead, otherwise I suffer with you"..haha.
I'm feeling rather sleepy. But John's house is just so so entertaining. Can use his com, can play on his guitar, and also study when I feel like it. haha.
I'm so happy...P.Pete says he wants to GIVE ME his CAPO!! Yay!! I actually asked if he has an extra that I could buy from him second-hand. Then he asked who needs it. I replied, "Me". haha. Then he said, "I give you". Wah...so touched. Yay!! I've been looking high and low for a capo, bcoz of it's amazing wonders it can do. Now I no longer have to write all songs in G-major. haha. I can do it in F, C, D, E, Bb, etc. Woohoo...Amen!
My hands will create music for you!!
posted at [3:22 PM]
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Thursday, November 20, 2008
:: My Breakthrough Will Come ::
I had dinner with Clare this evening. We initially walked towards Anchor Point from Queenstown MRT, then we decided to settle at IKEA for dinner instead. haha!! All because I can't make up my mind on what to eat, and kept suggesting cheaper outlets. We ate the famous meatballs at the Cafe at IKEA. Clare treated again. I didn't know how to reject, and this time there wasn't Rachael to help me say "don't need la", etc. Just accepted the treat. Promised her that I'll treat her BIG ONE when I finally have income.
Clare made me say "grace" for the meal. As usual, whenever someone asks me to say "grace" for the meals, I would purposely pray extra softer, that they have to strain their ears to hear my prayer. Wahaha!! As we chatted over the meals, I just let out my inner feelings about why I feel so upset having not yet commissioned as a SP. I feel that I need to release this, so that I need not be angry about it anymore. It has been 4 years, so get it done. Anger causes tiredness. Don't you agree? My mindset was very corporate. Especially one who has done Human Resource Management, and done well for the subject. I guess I cannot exactly apply everything I learnt into reality. That's sad I know. That's why some would say that the subject is crapped!! Actually I learnt from her that she does have similar struggles with regards to that too. Then she learnt to accept it, as the culture is different from that at USA.
Actually I didn't know what I really possess till I articulate them. I shared with Clare that what I usually did when I was still in IGNYTE. Bcoz I was given the role to lead Glorify in cell, and I totally had no experience in leading worship. What did I do then? I went to attend adult services. I attend them only for the first and the last 15minutes. Why? I went in, sat down (while everyone else stood up to worship), and took notes of how the different WLs led worship. Whenever I tell this to anyone, they would often be so shocked...why? Is that very extreme? The first 15minutes was to tell how the WL lead the people (from sleepy mode, or blur, or angry mode) into worship. The last 15minutes was to know how to lead worship for the altar call, so as to learn how to bring people from the sermon into practice or into engaging with the Word. Bcoz P.Poh sometimes would make me lead after Grow, so I've gotta be very alert on the type of songs I choose especially after Grow (bcoz it's usually impromptu and on the spot). I learnt alot from there. Actually till now, I'm still observing different ones whenever they are leading. I see the different struggles and see how P.Pete resolves them. I observe the band dynamics and spiritual realm a WL leads the people into engagement. I know how a simple melody on the E-Guit could bring people closer and to a more intensive level. I also know that we need the Bass alot to carry the atmosphere. Waikay!! It's very important okie!!! I also know that the piano is important to initiate a new song or a new arrangement or a new atmosphere setting. That's why sometimes ppl say I look very distracted during morning EQs, especially during the mike-test. Bcoz big time I was observing the musicians, the co-leaders and the WL.
Actually today. I don't know why. I began to share with Clare my deepest struggles. I guess I was just desperate, and need further advice/help. Again, "Come to the Father!". Since I know the root of the issue, is Love, I can then deal with it objectively. She was really serious when I shared with her. I was then abit afraid, like eh..should I have not share with her?
Then we went to a staircase at some void deck and started praying there. I can't believe I did this. Never done this in my life. To speak in tongues, declare, consecrate, cry, etc at a staircase. It appeared like a mini-altar call at the alley. I will remember the question, "What do you want to do for God?", and "Do you want to soul-out for Him?". I felt so tiny for a sudden. I tell you when Clare gets serious, it's really no joke.
Okie, I really have to ask myself. Yes, if this is what I want, then Grace, you have to be serious about it. Like what Ellen has said, that there's no turning back after it. Okie! Grace, overcome this, and the rest of your life, left only to glorify Him! Stressed...I was really stressed. But, I have decided. No more turninng back. Okie, agreed. Then we prayed. Declared, "My hands will only do things that pleases you, make music for Your Name, create wealth when there isn't any, worship You". I could suddenly see the many other things I could do. I'm excited. I don't know why.
She and I prayed and spoke into my life, breaking the strings of attachment to the issue. Instead of daydreaming of the "perfect guy", etc, I should now visualise that God is always there with me. I will remember to let Him hold my hands, to dance with Him, just enjoy being with Him. The media is a graveyard to many sins. It often portrays a wonderful image and prospect of love, family, friends. So much so that when it doesn't happen in reality, we get disappointed. We would often day-dream of the "role model" we see on TV. When we get hooked onto the drama, that's worst. The day-dreaming gets heavy to shake off. Then we'll realise we've gone away from the reality into a virtual self-made reality (a.k.a. La-La Land).
That's why most of the time my friends identify to me that I looked very "lost" and "distracted". Because the self-made reality has become a reality itself. I would then find difficulties relating to reality. Clare then nagged at me to NOT WATCH TV anymore. Oh no.... Watch News can ah? Even cartoons themselves do have such "unrealistic" myths. If it's my downfall, it's better to turn away. More time to spend on my books isn't it? First Class honors nearer to my door-step. Woohoo... I'm excited again. But I'm rather worried that it would die down.
Her one tip she gave, to my amaze, was whenever I felt like I'm going to fall into the same trap, "Lift up my hands to worship Him". Amen!! *hint*
posted at [11:42 PM]
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Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The qualities I have been looking for!!!!!!
This character, BuQun, acted by Elvin Ng has portrayed all the qualities I wanted to look for in a husband-to-be! I've finally found a "representative" of a man I would give my heart to. But..he's just acting. Who on earth has these qualities?
The qualities: act-smart aleck, occasionally impulsive, always taking the 1st move, and will never give up till you become his.
posted at [7:59 PM]
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Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Studying for tests on my Birthday!
Tomorrow's my birthday. But I'm not going anywhere. I've lessons in the morning, and would head home for my books after it. What is this?
I really wish sometimes that my home has a punching bag! So that I need not show tantrums onto any other things or anyone else; because it incurs high expenditure for damaging goods, and incurs medical fees for injuring others. haha. I want a punching bag that I could assert my frustrations, stress, anger at it. Anyway, a punching bag wouldn't have any feelings. I'm therefore not afraid to ruin its life. haha!!
Thankfully I can meet Clare on Thursday evening, after ALL those tests. Argh.. Yay! So happy to meet Clare again. The intellectual kind soul. Haha.. a.k.a. Eelyn Kok's resemblance.
I miss Cineleisure.. I miss going out carefree on my birthday. But I can't since after 2003. Because that year, just one day after my birthday, my maternal grandma passed away. Therefore, 20th Nov will forever be a memorial day. So I can't afford to be so happy the day before. I always end up feeling gloomy towards my birthday.
posted at [7:50 PM]
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Sunday, November 16, 2008
Birthday Celebration - Charrisa, Rachael, MinMin, Leroy
Birthday celebration (in advance), on the 15th Nov 2008 (Sat) evening.
I'm very grateful to all of them: my sister Charrisa, Rachael, MinMin, Leroy. They who had put up a wonderful celebration, from the presents to the treat.
Really hoped they didn't splurge alot, becoz none of them are working with an income, besides Leroy..haha.
My pictures aren't in order...so messy.
These are the gifts from the cell. Wallet from St.Louis. I never expect that. No wonder my sister keep telling me not to buy any wallet until after my birthday. Say what sales at Taka can use the voucher, etc... Alamak...she went to tell Rachael that I want a wallet....make me feel so bad now. But thankful that they bought me a long wallet. So that I don't need to fold my NOTES anymore, and a better zip so that my coins won't fall off now. My button from the previous wallet really almost tore off. Now I got SO MANY COMPARTMENTS to put my stuff. I've a wallet FULL of NAME CARDS. My connections are WIDE.
Oops..this pic can see half of Cecilia's photo. haha..
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They also bought me titbits!! haha.... And a stress-ball. Very good for me ah.. Now I need not inflict on anywhere else, but the ball.
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Here's a pic of us: Leroy, me, Rachael and MinMin (hiding behind)
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My sister and I!!! Someone dear to me...
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My sister....haha....always wanting to pose for MORE pics..
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The 4 musketeers again.....
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Very blur pic..so let me narrate: my sister and I.
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Some pics of the environment around PS.
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My sister...again posing for pics.
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Haha...I feel so bad about this. This time they've to do the calculations by themselves, without excel spreadsheet. Actually Excel Spreadsheet makes me very dependent on them, and hence I "can't calculate" without the spreadsheet.
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Here's the dinner at Aston's Restaurant. Cool..you must check out this place. The ambience is deceiving. But the prices are affordable yet the food is high in quality!!! This is what I call... TQM=Total Quality Management (Chp7 of Management Accounting).
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Leroy's mini-computer game.
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I like the Card alot!!!! Rachael's trademark...
posted at [9:06 PM]
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Wednesday, November 12, 2008
How I Spent Today
To semi-reward my sister for completing her Os, we went Takashimaya after her checkup.
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We were at SGH doing some checkups. Here's some pics to entertain myself while I was there with my sister.
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My favourite VICO drink is there in the vending machine at the hospital.
posted at [7:33 PM]
The Mark Of My Love
The mark of my love....my wounds.....
posted at [7:24 PM]
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