I actually know what I want. However, often I do not know how to achieve what I want. I wanted to be loved; but there are just too many substitutes of it, and after going through the "hits-and-bangs" I can only admit that I can only achieve it from God. The Love that would satisfy me isn't in a marriage, isn't in a relationship, isn't in an elder sister to younger sister relationship either. I can only admit that it is only the love from God.
I want to be successful. However, travelling to shenton way, with ur best office wear & make-up, and staring at the rats of people rushing around isn't a step to success. Getting a First Class Honors does NOT guarantee a successful career, because people are talking more about soft EQ skills more than paper qualifications at work. Being a graduate from Harvard University speaks nothing until I get to meet you face to face.
Clare then asked for the second time, "How do you define success?". I replied, "This question you had already asked", and she replied, "Which I don't remember you answering". Ooops.. That's because I still have no idea how would I really want to define it. Then she said, "you could be swayed with alot of difficult pressures if you don't define it, yet you're chasing for it". Grace!!!!!!!! What are you doing?
The more important question. Am I defining success attributing it to satisfaction? Does what that satisfies me makes me successful? I would feel very satisfied to have a First-Class honors walking down the aisle of the Graduation Convocation to receive my award, but does that makes me successful? Hmm... Then my satisfaction shouldn't be aligned to that. It should not so in the first place, for satisfaction should come from God. Me secure in Him.
It's good to know what you want, but align them to God. And ask yourself how are you going to use Godly kingdom values to do so. It's good to recognise them. It's good to realise that I'm in this age range that allows me to think so much of what I want, which often confuses. Hence it allows me to work towards what I want, and be ahead of others. -Clare.
I was in search of LOVE the whole time these months. And it was WRONG PATH(S) all along. I then realised that I have not understood enough.
John analysed the verses for me, 1 John 4:16-21. If I find it hard to love someone, it means that I've not love God enough. It also means that I've not allowed God to love me enough. If I allow God to love me, He will love me deeply and so much that I'll have too much and had to give away to the people around me. Hence, loving the people around me will NOT then be a problem, but it becomes natural.
I didn't know I've not let God loved me, that's why I've not loved Him enough. That's why I feel so hard to love the unloveable. All the while I've been only loving the lovable, those who are nice. Hence we these becomes absent, I'm shattered and love changes to hate, and I no longer know how to love them. I don't love because I understand the person. I love because I love God, where His love will flow from me. Love will then exist from within; living in love.