Miss ConGeNiaLity's Chronicles

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Sunday, September 28, 2008

:: I Finally Understood ::

These few days have been an opportunity for me to search for answers, and to explore & understand me better. I finally see the correlation of my seekings to my actions. I'm actually appalled.

God gave me 24hours a day. Taking away 8hours of sleep, I'm left with 16hours. I'm amazed how did I spend the 16hours seeking after these: love, attention, acceptance, compassion, recognition. Initially, I didn't take notice of myself doing so, as these actions are really subtle. Only was I more alerted the past few days, and I caught myself doing that. Very often, I seek wrongly.

Life's sometimes like a "Multiple-Choice" analogy. There's only ONE correct answer from the 4 options. Most of the time, I pick the other 3 options, which only gives me a "temporal feel-good" and not the eternal goodness that God can supply.

Hence I realised that the HIGHEST INSUFFICIENCY one can experience is to be LACK OF LOVE. Not money, not car, not riches. It's the lack of Love. Understand this. That is why there's always the unsatisfied feeling within me, after every service, after every practice, after cell. Because, I've not FULLY focused on the Correct source. The concentration on the Correct Source was not 100%, hence I always have the urge of wanting more..but back then I didn't realise what was it I wanted. The urge was there without an understanding. Hence, often to satisfy the urge, the other 3 options are utilised..to the point that Emptiness eats in and is destroying.

I finally gave up battling it on my own. I thank God for Nicky and Ellen. I could see things better now. Although I've asking why didn't I see that earlier? I guess it's not too late. Never. I guess I'm just in the season of understanding myself; the age range of 18-35. Hence I'm now able to rationalise my actions.

When I laid my head to rest last night, again I caught myself longing for someone to call me, etc. Then I stopped and unknowingly I just ended up weeping. I don't know why. The only thing I can think of was to ask God. I cried "Jesus, I need You. This I don't understand. But I know You do. Come and satisfy me". I hope my eyes were too red the next morning. I think I never weep like that before.

Being involved in the Ministry-Parade was something I felt I could be proud of, being representives of CM and more importantly, showing others how God can use lives (even if we're just an ikan bilis in the ministry) to bless the rest. Even before this morning's parade, as I was behind the curtains worshipping before P.Bea's cue, I just ended up on my knees. I worshipped and yearn for Him. I was pretty worried that the congregation later would notice my puffy eyes. MinMin, who stood on my right, ended up on her knees too. I hope that wasn't inspired by me, unless there's a need to. Kneeling is a humanity humility to come before the Lord in total surrender and reverence. It's a painful event, but it just draws me closer to the King. Amen!!

posted at [8:19 PM]

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Intro

Thank you to all who visits my blog!! My entries would be a mirror of my life stories. Some of the entries might not sound edifying. However, at the end of the day, He'll bring good.
If you're looking for one with a "perfect" life, you'd be disappointed. I'm still human afterall, living in the imperfect earth and imperfect market.
My email: servantgrace777@gmail.com

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