Miss ConGeNiaLity's Chronicles

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Sunday, September 07, 2008

:: AGONY ::

Not revealing, and not speaking of it doesn't allow one to run away. I thought I could completely ignore what has happened and settle down. "Bridge over troubled waters". By doing so, I was still within the "troubled waters" and I've yet not found the "bridge". When I come into His presence, I could hide no more. The genuinety of emotions just flow. My weakness is that I am not niched at handling them, and they can go really far. Sometimes, it might end up hitting the different ones around me.

It's true. Ellen mentioned that we don't switch from anger to joy when it has arrived, for that would be "mood-swings" if it would to be done. Instead, it's how we control and handle those emotions, that help us handle situations. How? That's to surrender those emotions to Him. Clare once smsed this, which I did not feel it was any applicable, till lately: "Remember, your emotions don't belong to you, God purchased them on the Cross. Lift your concerns to God who forgives."

It's time to learn.

I always thought "arrogance" could hide my inner hurts, despairs, insecurities and failures, so as not to show that I felt defeated. However, this is often very dangerous. It corrupts minds, relationships and ministry. And I'm now sicked of others asking me, "are you alright?", "are you okie?", etc. Because deep down inside I wanna hide them, but the more I do, the more people could see. Arrogance has made me lost friends in just a few minutes. Sigh. It has to GO, and BE GONE.

Now all I want to do is to lay down my pride and to seek help. I need academic advice. Are all my study methods I've been using are wrongly applied? Or what should I do instead? Who is there to guide me? When I felt I was so LOST and ALONE, I recall the booklet written by RoseMary, "Strategies of Success" for University of London students. It says, "You're NEVER alone". She showed us the many sources out there that we can depend on. I felt she has left out Somebody. She left out God! We need God to depend on MOST.

Sometimes, when I'm doing ministry stuff. Perhaps I'm too eager, that made me blinded to the feelings of others. Hence, I end up offending some unconsciously. Sometimes, it could be the other way. Others might not give you their support in whatever you're doing. Sending out emails to the entire creative ministries has freaked me out. Pastor has to back me up before even the 1st email came in. I felt that I'm like a "ka-chang-bu-tei" in the ministry that nobody knows how I am. True enough. When I thanked pastor for his email, this is what he said: "of course la, no head no tail, nobody knows who is Grace". Sigh.. Perhaps it's because the older and senior adults always regard the younger as non-existent, and they're often in their "own-world". Although not all are like that. People like Clare, John, Ellen, Adeline, etc are the difference from the rest.

That's why it very sad, to even receive an sms from this particular "somebody", saying "Won't die even if there's nothing from DXXXX right?". Oh fine. Since there's no testimonies coming from that "D" team, it would just simply reflect that on you and the "D" team. It's not gonna do me any harm. It only becomes very "gek-sim" (heart-pain) whenever I see them again. No wonder APL has identified to me his guard feel that perhaps the "D" team is one bunch of arrogant and easily-angered people. Fine!

I've done my part. Case closed!! I definitely cannot and will NEVER satisfy EVERYONE. If whatever I've done could bless a few and bring a smile to just one person, I'm always happy to do again. It's QUALITY not QUANTITY!

posted at [8:17 PM]

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Intro

Thank you to all who visits my blog!! My entries would be a mirror of my life stories. Some of the entries might not sound edifying. However, at the end of the day, He'll bring good.
If you're looking for one with a "perfect" life, you'd be disappointed. I'm still human afterall, living in the imperfect earth and imperfect market.
My email: servantgrace777@gmail.com

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