Tuesday, September 30, 2008
:: A Matter of Perspective? ::
"YOU ARE SUCH AN XXXXXXXXXXXX!!!"
Is the above a compliment or an insult?
It's all a matter of perspective. What is "perspective"? Does perspective means what do you understand about something or what is the general gist of something? What is perspective?
"Don't take things seriously"
"Don't take things lightly"
Which one of the above has a heavier weightage?
When someone gives you a bad remark, you're often told, "Don't take things seriously". When someone tells you a serious matter, you'd be told off, "Don't take things lightly".
Which is more important? It's a matter of situation you're in. Is there a universal solution? I'm afraid not. What is more important, the answer is often left to uncertainty.
When someone gives me a compliment, while another shoots me an insult of the same "issue", which do you choose? Humanity at large would often choose the former, to avoid the infliction of pain from the latter. However, some would choose to believe only in the latter as they never believed in the former. Which will I choose?
Case Study:
A says G> (R and M)
N says (R and M)> G
The question is whether A or N has more credibility for giving the statements? The next question would be what does credibility mean to you? Is it in terms of age, maturity, experience, background? Does it lies with the matter of perspective again? Then what is perspective again..
posted at [9:27 PM]
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Sunday, September 28, 2008
:: I Finally Understood ::
These few days have been an opportunity for me to search for answers, and to explore & understand me better. I finally see the correlation of my seekings to my actions. I'm actually appalled.
God gave me 24hours a day. Taking away 8hours of sleep, I'm left with 16hours. I'm amazed how did I spend the 16hours seeking after these: love, attention, acceptance, compassion, recognition. Initially, I didn't take notice of myself doing so, as these actions are really subtle. Only was I more alerted the past few days, and I caught myself doing that. Very often, I seek wrongly.
Life's sometimes like a "Multiple-Choice" analogy. There's only ONE correct answer from the 4 options. Most of the time, I pick the other 3 options, which only gives me a "temporal feel-good" and not the eternal goodness that God can supply.
Hence I realised that the HIGHEST INSUFFICIENCY one can experience is to be LACK OF LOVE. Not money, not car, not riches. It's the lack of Love. Understand this. That is why there's always the unsatisfied feeling within me, after every service, after every practice, after cell. Because, I've not FULLY focused on the Correct source. The concentration on the Correct Source was not 100%, hence I always have the urge of wanting more..but back then I didn't realise what was it I wanted. The urge was there without an understanding. Hence, often to satisfy the urge, the other 3 options are utilised..to the point that Emptiness eats in and is destroying.
I finally gave up battling it on my own. I thank God for Nicky and Ellen. I could see things better now. Although I've asking why didn't I see that earlier? I guess it's not too late. Never. I guess I'm just in the season of understanding myself; the age range of 18-35. Hence I'm now able to rationalise my actions.
When I laid my head to rest last night, again I caught myself longing for someone to call me, etc. Then I stopped and unknowingly I just ended up weeping. I don't know why. The only thing I can think of was to ask God. I cried "Jesus, I need You. This I don't understand. But I know You do. Come and satisfy me". I hope my eyes were too red the next morning. I think I never weep like that before.
Being involved in the Ministry-Parade was something I felt I could be proud of, being representives of CM and more importantly, showing others how God can use lives (even if we're just an ikan bilis in the ministry) to bless the rest. Even before this morning's parade, as I was behind the curtains worshipping before P.Bea's cue, I just ended up on my knees. I worshipped and yearn for Him. I was pretty worried that the congregation later would notice my puffy eyes. MinMin, who stood on my right, ended up on her knees too. I hope that wasn't inspired by me, unless there's a need to. Kneeling is a humanity humility to come before the Lord in total surrender and reverence. It's a painful event, but it just draws me closer to the King. Amen!!
posted at [8:19 PM]
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Wednesday, September 24, 2008
:: New Truths ::
I actually know what I want. However, often I do not know how to achieve what I want. I wanted to be loved; but there are just too many substitutes of it, and after going through the "hits-and-bangs" I can only admit that I can only achieve it from God. The Love that would satisfy me isn't in a marriage, isn't in a relationship, isn't in an elder sister to younger sister relationship either. I can only admit that it is only the love from God.
I want to be successful. However, travelling to shenton way, with ur best office wear & make-up, and staring at the rats of people rushing around isn't a step to success. Getting a First Class Honors does NOT guarantee a successful career, because people are talking more about soft EQ skills more than paper qualifications at work. Being a graduate from Harvard University speaks nothing until I get to meet you face to face.
Clare then asked for the second time, "How do you define success?". I replied, "This question you had already asked", and she replied, "Which I don't remember you answering". Ooops.. That's because I still have no idea how would I really want to define it. Then she said, "you could be swayed with alot of difficult pressures if you don't define it, yet you're chasing for it". Grace!!!!!!!! What are you doing?
The more important question. Am I defining success attributing it to satisfaction? Does what that satisfies me makes me successful? I would feel very satisfied to have a First-Class honors walking down the aisle of the Graduation Convocation to receive my award, but does that makes me successful? Hmm... Then my satisfaction shouldn't be aligned to that. It should not so in the first place, for satisfaction should come from God. Me secure in Him.
It's good to know what you want, but align them to God. And ask yourself how are you going to use Godly kingdom values to do so. It's good to recognise them. It's good to realise that I'm in this age range that allows me to think so much of what I want, which often confuses. Hence it allows me to work towards what I want, and be ahead of others. -Clare.
I was in search of LOVE the whole time these months. And it was WRONG PATH(S) all along. I then realised that I have not understood enough.
John analysed the verses for me, 1 John 4:16-21. If I find it hard to love someone, it means that I've not love God enough. It also means that I've not allowed God to love me enough. If I allow God to love me, He will love me deeply and so much that I'll have too much and had to give away to the people around me. Hence, loving the people around me will NOT then be a problem, but it becomes natural.
I didn't know I've not let God loved me, that's why I've not loved Him enough. That's why I feel so hard to love the unloveable. All the while I've been only loving the lovable, those who are nice. Hence we these becomes absent, I'm shattered and love changes to hate, and I no longer know how to love them. I don't love because I understand the person. I love because I love God, where His love will flow from me. Love will then exist from within; living in love.
posted at [11:32 PM]
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Tuesday, September 23, 2008
:: Successful Men Whom I Know ::
4 Successful men whom I know:
1. Pastor Peter - Chief Worship leader, Over-seeing pastor of Creative Ministry
2. James Kwan - Financial Reporting & Management Accounting lecturer in SIM, ACCA lecturer in S'pore Academy of Accountancy
3. Chef Sam - Malaysian Chef Celebrity
4. Kheng Chye (KC Yeo) - Chief Financial Officer/Financial Controller of ADM Cocoa
I felt that they've something in common which I can't find a word to express. But when Clare asked me how do I define "success", I don't know how to answer. However, this time it isn't about the credentials that I was referring to from those mentioned above.
There's just some kind of countenance that can't be found on papers that I can only sense when I speak to them. It's the way they speak & carry themselves, the way they make decisions, they way they handle knotty situations, the way they relate to people, etc. I can't explain. You can name it "leadership", but I don't think that it's only about leadership, it's something greater. Perhaps it's that countenance that comes along with the heart of passion for what they're doing.
posted at [9:44 PM]
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Thursday, September 18, 2008
:: Never Ever Give Up ::
He showed this picture AGAIN, at his first lecture. This term it's Management Accounting (MA).
I'm so touched that James Kwan remembers us!! The YYG clan, haha.. Yanru, YangTheng & Grace(me). haha..named after the title "Yeo Yao Gui" which means hungry-ghosts. haha. Because we are always after food, especially during breaks after the first part of the lectures.
James was very concerned about his students' grades. He asked if we passed FR. We were glad we could at least say "Yes", even though I didn't do as well as I thought I could. Didn't get an "A" at all. I asked James if this time we need to do more reading then practising for MA, which is a different subject from FR, where the latter does alot of computations. MA is very theoretical and practical. I'm glad I did MA after my internship. I could relate many aspects (or all aspects) of my working experience to the subject. I get to see the bigger picture at different angles.
I wanted to ask about how else to score for the subject. Besides reading, what should I do with the knowledge from the readings? What should I do next? In the midst of asking, I revealed that I was the one, whom he said "The first one who approached him even BEFORE the term begins". Then I was distracted when he began to praise me again. Didn't get to continue my question. Next lesson I would ask him during break, if not after lesson. Hope I don't start to tear again. Control... I need to be strong. Why did I even email him before the term begins? I was so desperate for this final year. I'm desperate to do well.
James Kwan asked me the same question he asked last year on his first lecture of FR, "Are you alright?". Because I looked so STRESSED. He asked if the articles he forwarded me via email has made me read till I'm quite blur already. haha..
I'm so thankful to God. His favor I can't explain. I kept praying during my ISORG lecture, because I anticipate myself approaching Mark Harris (my microeconomics lecturer last term). All I wanted was whether I could still approach him to clarify some doubts during the year, because I'm redoing the unit on a self-study basis; which means I don't get to go for lessons, but self-study and take the exam at the end of the term. However, the news was that he still lets me attend his lectures. When I approached Mark Harris..I didn't know how to spill the news to him. Luckily there was YangTheng with me. So I just said "She cleared the paper, but I didn't". Then he dramatised his emotions, putting his hand on his forehead and said "ah...". It was to make me less depress. He then asked this (which I don't expect), "When you came out of the exam, do you feel like YES I'VE GOT 80 MARKS?", I could only reply that I felt that I should pass at 34marks and not alot more than that mark. He then said that that isn't a good sign, because the papers are marked in the 40s. I don't really understand what he meant by that. Anyway, he then asked me to appeal to UOL to do a re-tabulation of the paper, as there maybe an error in the calculation of the results. And it costs 50pounds to do so. That's S$129 at least. Because there was another student, JunLi, who's really GOOD at economics. The alarming matter was that he only scored 29marks. JunLi also mentioned that he wrote the wrong question numbers on the front cover for the markers to tabulate his marks. Hence, for his case, maybe a retabulation can give him a higher chance of getting an A or B. He did his appealing,and maybe that's why Mark Harris also suggested that to me. After many hours of consideration (cost & benefit analysis, etc), I've came to a conclusion to not appeal but to retake the paper, because I don't want just 34 marks. I want a 60 at least, if not a 70. I did pretty well for intro to economics, hence I don't think I'll do so bad for micro economics, with a second chance. At least there's someone to guide me along from the start. I only approach him when the exams are nearing.
I'm so glad that this year, I'm more pro-active and able to relate to the lecturers. Hence, I wouldn't feel so pressurized or afraid to approach them when I'm in the darkness of all doubts (only academic-related). The lecturers are all actually approachable. Just that I didn't have such courage previously. Working has make me open-up alot. Cecilia always say "Don't be shy to ask. If you ask you'll might or might not get it. If you don't ask, you'll definitely get nothing". Amen!! Ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be open; as the Word says.
posted at [10:59 PM]
:: Loved These Two Songs ::
posted at [10:59 PM]
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Monday, September 15, 2008
:: New Beginnings ::
Just to clarify. The previous post was a re-enactment of a dream of mine, one fine night. I really dreamt of that, and it felt incredibly real. haha.
I'll be starting lessons tomorrow. Haha. Just met up with some of my colleagues for a session at the gym again, this evening. They're in the same situation. They've got GST training under Ernests & Youngs for the whole of tomorrow, from 9am, at City Hall. Haha. One of them said, "haiz...so sian, to have training again". haha!! Aiyo.. I'd be more than happy to be sent by any company for training, especially when they paid for the training. What's more? This training would be done by EY, and not any normal or less important kinda training. Isn't it a priviledge?
ADM is cool, to send employees for trainings, and it gives everyone a chance to go for it. Even when I was just an intern, I get to experience the Excel Training given by the IT manager, registered by Cecilia. haha!!
At the gym this evening, there's this guy, who resembles someone I don't want to mention here. He appear arrogant to me. Hmm..all the more I was to him then. I went to the extent of teasing him, whom I do not know. haha!! Guess that's what happen when you're in a group of more than the other, regardless of gender. haha!!
Perhaps he's not bad looking. Perhaps bcoz I heard of this saying, "As a lady, you've to act independent of the one you love. Those who would always hang around him are plenty, whereby most of the case, he doesn't fancy any of those. The one he would fancy would be one whom he finds it challenging to get her attention on him. Play hard to get, that's the key. Act tough."
How true is that? Or is that the girls-ego mentalilty? I need an answer. Sigh..can the media stop transmitting wrong info for goodness sake!!
I'm starting my first lesson, on Audit & Assurance, by Chu Mui Kim, from KPMG. Wah... Praying for understanding for this unit especially. There's a Need to and I want to score well!! I'm glad I've chosen INternship despite of its low pays. It's helping me understand more, because seeing is believing. I need to believe in what I study, otherwise, it's the same as eating something I don't enjoy or appreciate.
Amen!!
posted at [11:41 PM]
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Saturday, September 13, 2008
:: The Lost Engagement ::
Re-enactment:
13th Sept 2008 (Sat)
I met him a year ago in BeiJing, when I was there for short holiday. It was my first ever holiday, where I was there alone. As I was exploring the city, there I met this guy. We became real good friends, and as time goes by, we became more than friends. It was a rare chance I could find a great guy, who's Singaporean in BeiJing. However, the time came where he told me that his parents have decided to stay in BeiJing permanently, for their business. And because he's the only son, his parents would want him to take over the business as soon as they felt he's ready. But, I had to be back in Singapore. I can't decide to migrate there for good at that moment, as my parent wouldn't agree. I was left with two days before my holiday trip should end. My mind was in a whirl. Should I let him go, since I might not get to see him after I leave, and hence maybe this should be ended as early as possible to do good for the both of us. On the last day of my trip, we met up at the overhead bridge. Before I could spill the beans, he said "I know what you're about to do. But I wouldn't allow that". I explained that we can't continue for we knew that there's no future to this. We should stop. "We've come thus far, and it wasn't easy that I found you. I'm not gonna let you go", he said. "But, your business needs you. Your family needs someone to takeover the business. And I can't stay here with you. There's nothing we can do. Lets just part here", I replied. "Are you giving up too fast? Is there nothing else you can believe?", he asked. "I don't want to run into another cycle of failure. I wouldn't know how long will it take for me to recover. Lets just minimise agony, by parting. I'm leaving this afternoon. Good bye", I replied. "Grace! I'm not gonna let this happen! I know I can't leave now as yet. But I'm gonna make a bet with you. If we were to meet again, anywhere, as far as the earth could be, you've to make this promise; to marry me", he said. "You're out of your mind. I don't even know when will we ever meet again. Or will we ever meet? You shouldn't be brought down to stay a bachelor for my sake. Because we might never meet ever", I replied. "That's not the issue as for now. I want your reply. Say that you promise me", he asked. Both of us were in tears. As I gritted my teeth, I turned to reply him, "I promise". Immediately, he held me and rushed to the nearest jewellery outlet, and he bought rings. He said, "This symbolises my love for you. If we meet again, which I know we definitely will, these rings would be our identity".
One year passed. I don't know if I should just forget what has happened in BeiJing. One year has passed, and I'm now into my final year of study, and will soon graduate and enter the workforce. Has he forgotten about the engagement? Or should I forget? Was I too impulsed when I made my promise, that I now can't break. Will he come? Will we even meet?
This morning, it was my god-sister's wedding, and I was her bridesmaid. My heart was just not there, to witness someone's wedding which isn't my wedding. There was a strong yearning for him this very day, and I couldn't explain why. It must be the wedding, I thought. I felt so sorry for my god-sister, who noticed me, and had to console me on her wedding.
When it was time for god-sis to parade down the aisle to her husband-to-be, there was a halt. Then came a familiar song, which was in cantonese, however it was sang by a male; because the original singer is Zhen Xiu Wen. The guy's voice just seemed to sound so familiar. Everyone were startled and kept looking around. When he finally appear, I felt as if the lights would have blinded me. It was...him!! Tears started to stream down my cheeks. I couldn't believe it. Questions came into my mind. Had he left his business for me? What about his parents? As he was finally in front of me, I couldn't help but went up to embrace him. Before I could ask him of all the bugging questions, he said "These are not important for now. Do you remember your promise?". My tears were still running, and I finally took courage to give him a nod of acknowledgemenet. Everyone cheered. The next moment, my god-sis and I were exchanging rings. It was a double moment of bliss. It was the best day of my life, and I will never ever forget today, 13th September 2008.
-This happened on 13th September 2008, 7am-11.30am.
posted at [9:48 PM]
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Friday, September 12, 2008
:: I Need Sleep!! ::
It has been very bad for my health these few weeks. I've not been sleeping well. I'm on the bed at latest at 12am, but I'm still fully awake till 3am, which then I can be asleep. I'm groggy during the day, until it's 5pm. That's where I'll start digging my books and papers, and mug till 12am. It's a very BAD vicious cycle. The vicious cycle itself is bad. To call it a bad vicious cycle, it only means that I'm emphasizing how bad it is. Oh dear.
This week, I've tried something new. I went to GYM with my colleagues from internship. haha. We had fun experimenting the different stations and equipments. I realised treadmill makes running alot more fun! But.....I didn't know I can't stop running even 20minutes is up. The moment I stopped, I felt like I was flying.....wheee....haha!!! It just makes you giddy. Dumbbells are so fun, but I've not yet learnt the correct method to train for biceps. It really makes me wanna laugh when I see one of the dumbbells that is so so SMALL, of only 0.5kg or 1kg I think. Alamak. Even kids can carry. Faints!!!!!
I'm so glad to get my 4packs back to shape. Although it has fell to 2packs, at least now it's gonna be better and soon 4packs. Hooray!!! Going gym with my colleagues is so cool, and it motivates you to excel. haha!!
Hope more GYM workouts would give me a better size, and pls...gain weight...from more muscles. haha.
posted at [1:32 PM]
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Sunday, September 07, 2008
:: AGONY ::
Not revealing, and not speaking of it doesn't allow one to run away. I thought I could completely ignore what has happened and settle down. "Bridge over troubled waters". By doing so, I was still within the "troubled waters" and I've yet not found the "bridge". When I come into His presence, I could hide no more. The genuinety of emotions just flow. My weakness is that I am not niched at handling them, and they can go really far. Sometimes, it might end up hitting the different ones around me.
It's true. Ellen mentioned that we don't switch from anger to joy when it has arrived, for that would be "mood-swings" if it would to be done. Instead, it's how we control and handle those emotions, that help us handle situations. How? That's to surrender those emotions to Him. Clare once smsed this, which I did not feel it was any applicable, till lately: "Remember, your emotions don't belong to you, God purchased them on the Cross. Lift your concerns to God who forgives."
It's time to learn.
I always thought "arrogance" could hide my inner hurts, despairs, insecurities and failures, so as not to show that I felt defeated. However, this is often very dangerous. It corrupts minds, relationships and ministry. And I'm now sicked of others asking me, "are you alright?", "are you okie?", etc. Because deep down inside I wanna hide them, but the more I do, the more people could see. Arrogance has made me lost friends in just a few minutes. Sigh. It has to GO, and BE GONE.
Now all I want to do is to lay down my pride and to seek help. I need academic advice. Are all my study methods I've been using are wrongly applied? Or what should I do instead? Who is there to guide me? When I felt I was so LOST and ALONE, I recall the booklet written by RoseMary, "Strategies of Success" for University of London students. It says, "You're NEVER alone". She showed us the many sources out there that we can depend on. I felt she has left out Somebody. She left out God! We need God to depend on MOST.
Sometimes, when I'm doing ministry stuff. Perhaps I'm too eager, that made me blinded to the feelings of others. Hence, I end up offending some unconsciously. Sometimes, it could be the other way. Others might not give you their support in whatever you're doing. Sending out emails to the entire creative ministries has freaked me out. Pastor has to back me up before even the 1st email came in. I felt that I'm like a "ka-chang-bu-tei" in the ministry that nobody knows how I am. True enough. When I thanked pastor for his email, this is what he said: "of course la, no head no tail, nobody knows who is Grace". Sigh.. Perhaps it's because the older and senior adults always regard the younger as non-existent, and they're often in their "own-world". Although not all are like that. People like Clare, John, Ellen, Adeline, etc are the difference from the rest.
That's why it very sad, to even receive an sms from this particular "somebody", saying "Won't die even if there's nothing from DXXXX right?". Oh fine. Since there's no testimonies coming from that "D" team, it would just simply reflect that on you and the "D" team. It's not gonna do me any harm. It only becomes very "gek-sim" (heart-pain) whenever I see them again. No wonder APL has identified to me his guard feel that perhaps the "D" team is one bunch of arrogant and easily-angered people. Fine!
I've done my part. Case closed!! I definitely cannot and will NEVER satisfy EVERYONE. If whatever I've done could bless a few and bring a smile to just one person, I'm always happy to do again. It's QUALITY not QUANTITY!
posted at [8:17 PM]
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Monday, September 01, 2008
:: Anchored!! ::
I'll remember these two dates vividly: 29th August 2008 (Friday) and 31st August 2008 (Sunday). I've made two very important decisions on these two days.
Firstly, I've made the decision to put Him first and my main focus, that He rules and reign over my life. Hence, I know this would mean a perfect "NO" to many things. It's for the glory of Him, my Lover. Therefore, it's worth the sacrifice.
Second, it involves the decision of giving MY LIFE to Jesus. It doesn't mean I would no longer have any fear, for fear would come knocking again and again on my doors. However, I will not give into fear of persecutions and doubts. He will always be there to protect me because He is my Heavenly Father, who's bigger than any.
I'm thankful to Clare who has shared with me her methodology in Journaling through the Quiet Times. I've been able to relate better to what I read and receive from God in my recent quiet times, and I'm able to see relevance! The world's talking about relevance nowadays, and my internship's financial controller mentioned that to me as well.
I thank God that I'm not a detested, irritating pest to the people around me. When I went back to my internship company, I was pretty welcomed warmly first by the HR, where I collected my cheque. LiLian and PuiLin were so cute, they immediately invited in Roger and Ivan into their room to join us to enjoy the donuts I've over-bought. I kept asking them not to do so, as I don't want the two handsome guys to end up being so afraid of me. However, they were more afraid of the HR, as they didn't know WHAT HAPPENED that they were summoned into the HR Room by them. haha!! But to find out they were just in for a treat. PuiLin and LiLian got me to sit down at the corner coffee tables to snack the donuts with them. Alamak. I was alittle hesitant at first, until Roger said, "Hey, you brought donuts for us to eat, then you don't wanna sit and eat with us? How can?". Okie lor..then that's where we sat there for so long.
It was a relief to find out that he's saved. Firstly, it means he's saved when the day comes where everyone should leave this place. Secondly, it means a "green-light" to me, if this was really what it should be. However, he doesn't seem to have settled into a home church. What's more alarming, was that he was "unattached" when I came on Friday, according to LiLian. I wonder if the news were accurate, as I felt it might be abit too sudden. And I definitely don't want myself to end up in a rebounce situation.
Well. Clare and Kevin were really great advisers, alongside with Agnes, who asked me to ask myself whether do I know what I really want in a partner-to-be? At that point of time I only had a glimpse of what I wanted. Hence, as usual, Kevin gave me an assignment to pen-down my "negotiables" and "non-negotiables" in my partner-to-be.
I've listed 7 non-negotiables and 13negotiables. Is that good? I don't want to convince myself of anyone at the moment to have already fulfilled all the pre-requisites. haha!
posted at [8:20 PM]
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