Miss ConGeNiaLity's Chronicles

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Where Did I Go Right?

I had this feeling of premonition last night. I wonder where did it came from. I asked for the peace of God, and I was warmed with His love. Yesterday's tawg seems to prelude a revelation of rising up. Although it would be hard to visualise what I've read, I guess this can come to pass only if I'm willing. The problem of parsimony.

As I met Nicky last Fri for lunch, we came into the topic of missions. I was reminded of my calling of many donkey years ago. However, I've still not gone for any of such trips. Worst of all, I've not taken steps to do so. Preparation of finances, of approval from family, of myself! It's time I do something. Not pack up and go now. That's not what I'm saying. It's time I do something to prepare myself for missions. I can't go there empty handed, and with a poor set of knowledge, and w/o clarity in speaking and eloquence in the use of words sensitive to the different aspects.

Recently, I felt that I have become so so dependent on someone, instead of Someone. I'm feeling really guilty. Yet I'm not doing anything to help. Everytime I try to prevent myself from depending on you, the closer I get to you. I wanna depend on Him, for it would be meaningless depending on someone who would fade together as the world passes. I wanna depend on Him who truly loves me for who I am, and I need not fear that He might despise me in the certain ways I does things, etc. I need not be careful at my every word, for fear that it wouldn't sound perfect without much clarity. He's not like you. When something goes wrong, crying out to you would deem nothing, as it bounds back to me. Only He can give me the peace amongst the waves of rages around me. I should stop reading your msgs each night I can't get to sleep. I want to receive new msgs from God, msg of truth, and God doesn't need a handphone. haha. Each time I pray that I don't get distracted by you, esp when I'm serving. However, am I trying to run away from you? Is that gonna be the solution? There should be a better way isn't it. I wanna love God, love as a commitment. It's more tiring to commit to men than to commit to God. trust me. Coz you'll never be able to fully satisfy anyone, for only God can do so. If you're trying to do what only God can do, you'll definitely fail and nothing would come to pass. (I can't believe I just said that. This is new revelation to me).

Sometimes I feel that you can be so close to someone, but yet you're actually not. I felt as if I don't understand YOU. Who are you? What exactly are you? I don't understand the words that you say. I don't understand why are you doing this. I don't even know when your words are truth. I feel as if you're a total stranger, whom I'm trying my best to explore and to understand, which is the most painful thing to do. Sometimes I fear the worst. I fear that you might come to put an end to me. I fear I am unable to protect myself and the others. God, this life I don't understand, but I submit my fears and confusion to You. I pray Lord, for Your protection each an every day. Preserve my life for Your purposes. Let me not perish in the hands of ....... Help me to love this person. I pray for the clarity of mind. Teach me what to speak in Your kairos time.

I'm very emotionally attached to the everyday's grievance and resentment. The disasters, the suicides I hear about, etc. I'm confuse why some choose to end it all. Are they lack of strength, or do they perceive that all is over and no one loves them anymore, and no one cares for them anymore, and no one understand them? I'm glad that my Savior came to know before I knew Him. I knew that even all would desert from me, He is still FOR me. The love that never fails. I don't need to be someone to say those words on a roof top, etc. For I have the Love of God. This is so important. It hurts me alot to witness such events. Even if it were just a drama.

TREASURE LIFE. DON'T LEAVE WITH REGRETS. LIVE WITH HIS PURPOSE.

posted at [11:40 AM]

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Intro

Thank you to all who visits my blog!! My entries would be a mirror of my life stories. Some of the entries might not sound edifying. However, at the end of the day, He'll bring good.
If you're looking for one with a "perfect" life, you'd be disappointed. I'm still human afterall, living in the imperfect earth and imperfect market.
My email: servantgrace777@gmail.com

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