There's too much to say here. There's just simply so much that has happened.
I'll start from Tuesday. I met up with Clare on Tuesday night for dinner over at her place. She showed me a video on how this muslim converted to be a Christian. It was really amazing that how God could visit him without anyone presenting the gospel to him. His heart was right from the beginning, as he wanted all along to do as much as he could, just to please God.
In the video, it shows how he encountered spirits and how he entered into a spiritual realm. Hence Clare and I sorta spoke about the different encounters we had. To my surprise, she had the same encounter I had. "being pressed down on bed". I thought I was the only one, as whenever I share this with my cell they would be very indifferent in their responses. I felt encouraged as Clare relate that this could be the different spiritual sensitivities between different ones, and God could use us from there. It was not as if I'm wierd or abnormal, as she said it's kinda common. I felt I wasn't alone, unlike those responses I get from others.
She also shared how as she was delivered out of the whole episode of being pressed down, and how God showed her a vivid vision. A vision in which she could feel she was part of it, not just another glimpse of a movie sneak preview. You know what I mean? She also shared how it happens, as she was growing closer to God, when she was just converted.
As we go on, we spoke about our feels towards productions. She was rather supportive and encouraging as I present my views and feelings. Normally when I share that in cell, they would just keep really silent as if they didn't understood me. I felt really happy that someone could understand what I am going through and not pass a judgement at me immediately. Christ-likeness. In fact, at times, she felt the same too. She also did explain how she would overlook them by trying to put herself into the shoes of the leaders.
We went on talking about the ME singers and helpers at service and productions. I was really impressed at her advice. Really enlightened by her. haha. It seems that she does not need human resource management courses and could yet give such analogies. haha. As I relate to her that I'm supposed to do attendance check at services especially, hence I had to know the ME singers at least by name. That was how I got to know most of the ME singers. I did share my difficulties, and that's where she steps in and gave her advice. She said I should look at it as an employer-employee kinda social relationship whenever I tried to socialize. That means I have the upper hand and I would also give the employee space to move towards their potential according to their willingness. Hence I need not push, etc. I socialize also that the relationship would blossom and I could do my job well. "Can't imagine have all of your employees against you?" You'll definitely find it difficult to work with them. From there, you would see that you're attaining the certain amount of respect from them.
Hence I began to reflect back on how I started of pro-active to get to know each an everyone's name, so that I could take attendance. haha. From there, I start speaking to a few of them, whom I felt comfortable with. Hence, I got to know many of them, and we often have breakfast together. haha. As time passes, I realised that many of them would come to me rather often to for clarification. It shows that there's a certain trust they had in me. Be it MP3s, upcoming songs, attire, time, venue, etc. I could have taken all that for granted. However, I've come to know that people actually value me. That's something encouraging.
Then we started talking about cell. We're from different cells you see. However, it seems that I could relate to her better than to those who are in my cell. I shared my difficulties and was confused on what to do. Hence, we sorta came to a conclusion that I should speak to them. Firstly, so as to not have A to feel unfairly treated, I would speak to him first. Afterwhich, I'd speak to pastor with/without A alongside. However, before speaking to A, I guess I'd look for C who knows A better than I do, to see how we could go about doing this.
I'm kinda upset and unrested about this issue. I wondered how things have come thus far? Clare suggest that I leave it to pastor for his recommendation, instead of going straight to him with my own solution. Although I really wish I could switch cell, I have to look to pastor's suggestions. I also have to let him know that I don't switch cells just because of push factors. I'm usually not a person who leave immediately from a place where I encountered a problem. Take for example, taekwondo. If that was the case, I had long quited. Because I felt the club didn't value me, but I strived on. I ran into financial problems, and had difficulites paying training fees. But I stayed on and found a solution. I didn't leave the club immediately when there's a problem. Same for cell, if that was the case, I would have left long time ago. Being the youngest, among the minority gender, I was often out of place. However, I spoke to people about it, tried to change my perspectives and be more pro-active. Though these aren't exactly resolved, I still stayed on. However, when it comes to A, I felt that however I tried to change myself or whatever, it seems there could be no solution. Becoz A would not change. The whole time I felt I could hardly communicate with A. And this still holds till now. It has come to a point where A= non-existence of subject matter. A frustrated contract.
It could be perhaps A treats me as one of his students or as a little girl. His tone, his looks, and his words and actions. However, he gives a different treatment to the rest of the cell. Why? This isn't fair you see. There's no consideration for me, to try so hard on my part, where on the other hand you aren't. I don't understand why wasn't it like that when we first knew each other (when I was not yet in ministry).
I pray for God's best solution. I don't wanna hope for anything. God knows best.