Miss ConGeNiaLity's Chronicles

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Sunday, November 18, 2007

:: Brings you glory, BRings you shame ::

Why is this happening again? How long more do I need to move on from this wounded ground. Again I went home, and wet my blanket with tears at 1am. Till I can't sleep, and end up doing this blog entry at such an hour.

On my way back from xmas choir practice today, I saw a lady of around my age, lying at the steps along the pathway. It seems to me that she's drunk, and pretty upset and bitter about something that happened to her. Her female friend sat beside her, comforting and consoling. Her guy friend (good for nothing), who just stood right beside and looking away.

I don't wanna come to such a point in life. But..who can stop all from happening? Many people have their own way of responding to circumstances. Perhaps it'd be better if we prepare ourselves for circumstances, instead of responding to circumstances.

I need the river. I know I'd reach S'pore's FULL AGE on Monday. However, it seems like I feel like ending it all. I can't believe I'm writing this and tearing at the same time. Luckily my family's now asleep. OR else I'd have endless questions for the night.

I know how God felt the other time when I mutilated by slashing my wrist. I knew He felt agony. Suicide then no longer became my option for escape. However, sometimes I do wish I could end it all, when things go wrong. Like the way you edit a script, from bitterness to a happy ending. Naive. That couldn't happen at all.

I also know many care for me, and ending it all would mean to bring them bitterness just to escape my bitterness. Life sometimes seems like a dilemma. When I'm writing this I wonder how dark this blog can seem like, and why I didn't write such things in my essays. Perhaps I'd have gotten an A1. but..whatever.

I've friends who constantly give me their encouragements, their scoldings, and advices. I remember this from YinShi, "I admire those who goes for the auditions. It means that they want to step out. And nobody would feel embarrassed for you(who didn't make it)." There's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed. I remember this from Jane, "There are many who couldn't make it, but you were better. Just continue to serve God cheerfully." Not making it into the audition doesn't mean my inadequacy. Of course..This isn't the first time I'm doing this. In fact I've went for classes and practices secretly at P6, and in JC. I didn't feel good at the beginning, cuz it feels like you did something wrong. But I enjoy dance alot.

I also remember Gina telling me this, which almost make me fall off the chair, "I'm not of a dance person actually. But I guess God got me into The Inn Musical dance just to meet Andrew." haha!! When's it gonna be my turn?? I was pretty surprised when I saw Nathaniel at the choir practice. Though...that's such a long long crush. And I guess he's attached. He was the only guy I took the courage to give him a xmas present (through a friend) when he didn't really know me. However...I wonder if this is bad/good..He can't recognize me now. After all kinds of chemical reaction, you call it "rebonding", and after removing the extra positively charged element on my face-spectacles. My specs are metallic, that's why. I call this restoring the first and true image God gave me. Who was ever borned with specs? Nobody.... THat's what I meant. Anyway..I think Nat's gf's in my school, as I saw him meeting her there (when he doesn't belong to the school). But he has one kind of character that I might not want my future partner to conceive; I call it the "must-win debate". I don't want to have everyday arguments, you know what I mean?

I remember Kat saying that I would go through such feelings here and there for now, until of the age 30. Becoz I'm still in my stage of uncertainties, etc. I also recalled exclaiming immediately after her line, "That would be 9more years! To become like you, your age!" haha..Did I just reveal to you her age?? haha. I hope she isn't upset that I sound like she's too old or I'm too young.

Excuses excuses excuses excuses excuses. When will I stop looking up to man, leaders, etc?? And let my decisions be made because of them. sigh..

posted at [1:39 AM]

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Intro

Thank you to all who visits my blog!! My entries would be a mirror of my life stories. Some of the entries might not sound edifying. However, at the end of the day, He'll bring good.
If you're looking for one with a "perfect" life, you'd be disappointed. I'm still human afterall, living in the imperfect earth and imperfect market.
My email: servantgrace777@gmail.com

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