Miss ConGeNiaLity's Chronicles

MOVED

2009-05-30T10:37:00.000+08:00

I've MOVED.

http://gradinggrace777.blogspot.com/

Check out this new me my website...

Found It.

2009-05-17T18:24:00.002+08:00

Listen to what Ah-Wu said at the start of the clip. What makes him said so? He said, "When one starts to compete, he/she is no longer happy".

Yes. You no longer enjoy what you are doing.

Look at how Xu YaHui (as LiuYu) flaired at the beginning of the game. And why did she lose in the end? What distracted her? It was the consequence of her using underhand methods to get to where she is. Hence, when she sees the man that she sacrificed/betrayed her soul to, she cannot handle her emotions in the game. Why did she do that in the first place? Becoz She wants fame, she wants position, she wants change her destiny from poverty to become rich & recognised for her talent. Hence she is now Venting her frustrations in the game, and that is suicidal, and it has happened=she lost the game.

Does she remind me of somebody? Smirked.

Respect your opponent who respects you when he/she puts in full effort to compete with you.

Respect your examiner who sets the questions for you. So you must sit for the exam, and put in your best efforts. Sloppy work is a disrespect towards the examiner.

:: The Battlefield is in the Mind ::

2009-05-11T18:49:00.002+08:00

I'm surprised with this comment on my facebook. Yes, that's right. The battlefield is, in the mind. It was what I thought so. Everytime I go for an exam, I would tell some of my friends around me, "Lets go fighting!" Haha...

On Sunday, I was so damn happy to see Katherine serving with us again! I don't know why. Have you ever thought of this:

If someone comes up to you and say "HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", and you went, "oh..hello..".

This actually means that YOU matter to that someone MORE than he/she matters to you! Understand?

It's pretty obvious, but sometimes we don't even think about it. We take people for granted.

I was so happy to meet Kat, and exchange a few smses after service. Haha.. Kat is someone who makes you laugh! Her crazy idea that singers should wear hair-wick to enhance the "vibrant" atmosphere. Haha.. Because I was mentioning, "maybe we can wear cap on stage". Haha.. Then she was like, "mmm...I don't think we can wear cap leh". Haha..

I had to laugh at the part after we got off stage from 2nd service worship, and gathered at the stairs, not knowing if there will be a debrief for singers. Then Kat was also confused. She wanted to open the door to attend the service, but Alfred Chan closed the door and stood against the door. And she looked at him with that "lost and blur" expression! Hahahhahaha.... I can't help but just to laugh whenever I remember that incident. Hahaha.... So funny.... bcoz her face has full of expressions, it's very obvious. Hahahhaa.....

OKay...better go back to my books. I'm now going thru past year exam papers everywhere. I'm left with memorising and trying more questions if I'm free.

:: Those Lines I remember so well ::

2009-05-03T20:31:00.004+08:00

JC: May I have a drink of water?

SW: Sir, you do not look like you belong here. You are a Jew. And Jews do not talk to us Samaritans.

JC: Is it water that you need?

SW: What are you talking about? Of course it is water that I need. What else will I be here by the well?

JC: Whoever who drinks this water will remain thirsty again. Drink the water that I give, and you will never thirst again.

SW: Really? Never thirst again?

JC: nodded

SW: Sir, then can you give me this water that you're talking about? So that I will never thirst again.

JC: Sure. But first, go call your husbands.

SW: Husbands?

JC: That's right. Your husband.

SW: Eh...Ay...I....eh.. I've no husband.

JC: Yes, you're right to say that you've no husband. In fact, you had 5 husband. And the man you now live with is not your husband. Indeed, you've been quite honest.

SW: Hahahhah~ Sir, you must be a PRO-PHET to know all that. Yes, I had 5 husbands. But the man I now live with is the man that I love.

JC: Do you truly love him?

SW: Of..

JC: (cuts in and ask) Is he your answer for your search for love and lifelong happiness?

SW: I..(hesitates) I would like to think so. Isn't having the PERFECT man what we woman can only hope for?

JC: What is perfect to you?

SW: Perfect is! eh.....ay...... I don't know. I thought I could find fulfillment in the husbands I've married. That with each relationship, my life would finally be complete. But they failed me every single time. People call me an adulterous, because I've been married so many times. But what do they know? Is wrong to want love and happiness? Honestly..I give up. I'm tired of searching. I'm just not sure what makes me happy anymore. Perhaps I should be "happy" now. To make my way here every day to fetch water and serve the man I "love". (hesitates)...Live with. But I do know one thing though. I know that the Messiah is coming. Maybe he can tell me where I can find love and happiness. I am sure he'll understand all~ that I've gone through.

JC: I am the Messiah. I understand.

SW: (looks at JC in awe)

-2003 Easter, "Timeless". Featuring the scene of Jesus (George) ministering to the Samaritan woman (Katherine Tang).

A husband's quest

2009-05-03T20:25:00.003+08:00

“Happy the husband of a really good wife;

the number of days will be doubled.

A perfect wife is the joy of her husband,

he will live out the years of his life in peace.

A good wife is the best of portions, reserved for those who fear the Lord;

rich or poor, they will be glad of heart, cheerful of face whatever the season.

The grace of a wife will charm her husband,

her accomplishments will make him the stronger.

A silent wife is a gift from the Lord,

no price can be put on a well-trained character.

A modest wife is a boon twice over,

a chaste character cannot be weighed on scales.

Like the sun rising over the mountains of the Lord

is the beauty of a good wife in a well-kept house.”

- Ecclesiasticus 26 : 1-4,13-16

I saw this on Melody Chen's blog, and this is what her husband chose to recite during their wedding aniversary. This is what a guy could possibly look for in a woman to be his life partner.

-one who fears the Lord

-one who has grace for husbands misdeeds

-one who isn't naggy (silent wife)

-one who has chastity kept well

-one who modest

-one who keeps the house well

Haha...!!!

:: CM Family Day ::

2009-05-01T21:46:00.003+08:00

I was pretty scared last night and this morning before the family day event commences. Everyone started asking me if I was ready. Ahh..

Then Esther leaked out my secret when she introduced me on stage. I know she spoke the truth...but I don't really want Katherine nor Alfred to learn about it; that I have a great passion for dance and would always think about dance moves almost anywhere. My classmates can vouch for that too.

I could see Katherine surprised look when Esther finally mentioned my name. And she turned around to look at me. Super paiseh...that's why I forgot my cue to go on stage. After seeing the video of the people doing the dance..cool!! They look good, although steps aren't perfect, but could see that they're happy. =) That's fulfillment!

However, in the midst of teaching...suddenly got ppl shout out from the floor one. And that's Linda. It was a good advise to get the pple to follow my mirror image, though I had to tell them to change hand and direction. Anyway..don't have to be so synchronized. I realised also that Alfred was very fast in learning the steps, and was quite good, and the steps he remembered them so well. And you could see his face, he was so seriously paying attention and learning. Haha!! And though sometimes he overexaggerate the moves, and make me laugh out of no where when I'm teaching.

Katherine has alot of expression on her face. Haha...I enjoy seeing her dance. What made me overjoyed was to see the little girl and boys doing the moves. That little girl named Vanessa, who is a ballet dancer, did the moves really well!! Clap clap!!

:: I'm Out of My Mind ::

2009-04-25T20:25:00.003+08:00

I'm out of my mind!!!

You must be wondering what is it?

I say I'm out of my mind!!!

It was Missions service today. On my way to church, I sorta have an estimate figure in my mind. Then I was sad that that's all I can give. But then....something sorta make me wanna do something crazy. Yes, CRAZY. I'm graduating soon, hence I should hopefully get a job asap. Hence my financial constraints should come to an end.

But I still don't know how much... The figures run into my mind, and I accept some and reject some. Till it time for me to alight the bus and walk to church.

During the service, I was happy to interprete the sermon that speaks to me in my current situation. Use what you have in your hands!! God has already placed the seed in your hands.

This was what I wrote:
God has already given me wisdom for my studies. Use it to excel in the exams with good grades.

God has already given me favor and wisdom to obtain a good job. Use it to get that job!

Towards the end, when it was time to fill in the cards, the figure you wanna pledge. I was super excited. But I still got no amount leh....crazy... In the end I wrote this:
"I'll be graduating this May, and I trust that God will provide me a full-time job to fulfill this faith promise. Hereby, I pledge to give 50% of my 1st income by July 2009. Amen!"

And then I submitted it to the celebration host. Then I thought I would have caused the ppl counting the cards, a headache when they see my card. So sorry. I don't have any figure, but I knew it has to do with my 1st job.

Then Ps.Dom read out all the values, and then he went to those cards without values. My card was the last to be read, and I almost wanted to head for the toilet as I was on high-tide. Then I heard him said this, "Haha.. I like this. Here it says, I'll be graduating this May, and I trust that God will provide me a full-time job to fulfill this faith promise. Hereby, I pledge 50% of my 1st income by July 2009. Father bless this life with a job, supply her till she have more than enough!".

Then I realised only after service that Agnes (who sat beside me) also wrote something similar, "I'm in a job transition. I pledge to give 50% of my pay cheque when I've found a job"

Wow...I was just telling her that we can go look for job together, since we're going into the same field. So zhun! It was really crazy for me to write that last few words, "by July 2009". Alamak!!

God, You know what I wrote right? Please show me to that job! No one can help me but You!

:: What has happened so far? ::

2009-04-23T00:27:00.002+08:00

Arranging venues for studios...whosh...headache. Very hard for me to be sandwich between the complains/ "intense suggestions" of the different ones. Finally thank God, Vick has found a friend's condo in Braddell (near macritche). Which I guess it's now very much more centralised.

Revision has been crazy...planning the timetable is even more crazy. Actually the most important thing is not to plan when to cover that subject, but what you do in each revision. Revision these days have at least been better, more constructive and productive.

I actually wanna thank God, since Monday, which I did thank Him individually by whispering to Him in a lecture. Haha.. I thank God that even in these while when I'm still single, unattached, and worried that I would remain on the shelve...He has always sent people around me to encourage me. He has also provided many "brothers" around me, even when I didn't have any bf currently. These brothers helped me out with areas that man are better at...although they can only remain as my friend/my brother. When I finally finally found Mr.Right, I know I still have my brothers around together with Mr.Right.

God, today I could see clearly what I really want in life. Living in those days of F and M is like a total walking-to-hell scenario. Today, I finally saw what I really enjoyed and would prefer to do all my life.That's to worship you, to meet people, the nations and rejoice with them, to teach them what worship is all about!

I can finally kick off F and M totally with meaning! Not just becoz ppl told me it's wrong.

:: Competition ::

2009-04-07T12:40:00.005+08:00

Looks. Your looks. My looks.

I had dinner with Clare yesterday, since she's working at PL, while I came early before the full dress. Managed to catch up and chatted abit. She complimented the PL dancers for being very smiley and everyone was smiling. When she mentioned about the Adam dancers, I wasn't sure. I thought they were "supposed" to be "better", as mentioned by the few. I don't know. However, Clare's judgment shouldn't be that off, since she was a ballet dancer and had drama experience in productions over a USA, plus her being musically-inclined with Dip in Piano. I'll just do like what she always will say. Accept the positive. Don't have to think about comparison and its credibility.

Actually...she also mentioned that I do look quite fierce during the dance audition, just like how I commented on someone else. She said I look so focused and super competitive. Alamak... That's not the point I wanna stress man.

This is just a research on how the Jewish do their head-dress in those days. This picture has this head-dress which I'm most satisfied, among the other pics I found via Google Image. Haha.... I'll try to do mine to look like hers.

:: Wrap Up ::

2009-04-05T22:03:00.005+08:00

I'm quite tired. Rehearsals aren't the element for my fatigue. I'm tired..so tired after studying for long hours. Almost everyday I spent time in front of my books from 9.30am to 2am. It's like 17hours? Although in between I do have 1hour breaks for meals, siesta, bath and 1hr of leisure for 9pm drama on Channel 8. So it should be precisely 12hours I spent daily.

The heart is willing, but the body is weak.

I can't help feeling lethargic and sleepy and having headaches when I'm studying. However, these days I just force myself and move against those waves of obstacles. It is painful to do so. I had to do so because I'm on a tight schedule. Exams are here very soon.

During one of the consultations with Mark Harris, he mentioned something about welfare economics which led us to this example he made. He said that brighter students take lesser time to study & grasp the knowledge than compared to those who are weaker and who needs to put in extra effort and time to get the same grade as the former. I guess I belong to the second class of group. I'm not born to be so bright, and I believe that it does not hinder my destiny. Those who are bright would have a different destiny laid ahead. I'm a person who needs to slog and spend extra time than others would need, so as to achieve.

This year, I've been searching for my gifts and how do I apply it. It's said that in order to contribute something, you must be very good at it. If I would to offer audit advisory, I have to be extremely good at my skills to detect corporate issues to management, financial planning, economic outlook, etc. If I would to enter in teaching of a skill, I have to be very good at the skill (be it with a recognised cert or without; for performance is the best testimony); for eg. Dance instructress.

Insurance companies are on a lookout, and they have been calling me up for interviews. But I really don't know if I wanna be one. If I enter that line, I've alot more to learn before stepping in the fully. Then I would have forfeited my chance of obtaining my CPA.

I really don't know if I should just start applying for accounting positions and forget about auditing. I should just wait till exams are over. I've done alot of applying anyways. I believe that God will lead me to a job to provide for the family, and I need not plan so much or fret on that. Just leave it!

This guy above; I dreamt of him last night. Last night's dream was chaotic. I dreamt that I ran into this aunty at the traffic light across my flat, who scolded me for blocking her way. And I scolded her back for wrongly accusing me as it wasn't me that caused the obstacle, but there was a barricade around the traffic light and it is natural that anyone would be blocked by it. I scolded her back and she wasn't happy. And it led me to scold her even more. I wonder what was wrong with me in that dream.....

The later part of the dream, after the quarrel, I headed for the toilet. And wierdly, this guy in the picture (Jae-Hee), came into the female toilet and held my hand and pulled me out to somewhere to speak to me. I seriously can't rem what he was saying but could rem that he went really close to my face to say those words, and I woke up.

Phew....that was really distracting.

Anyways, I'm excited for Family Day. To see the people move with the music and to see them having fun playing. It's always a pleasure to see others enjoying and in action. Rachael and I were practising the choreo for Every Move I Make on Friday. Although it's very simple, it's also very fun and cute. haha....esp to accomodate kids. Despite editing some steps, I believe that everyone wouldn't be so stress doing the song after all. It's gonna make them understand what it means to take every step in life with Jesus!!! Lean on Him!! When the actions are done, subconsciously in the mind, you're applying it. Amen!

I'm praying for a success in Family Day.

:: Dreams ::

2009-04-03T11:17:00.003+08:00

A few days ago, I heard a full analysis of what dreams really mean to you over the radio of Class 95.0FM. The DJ went into explaining what it means when you dreamt that you're flying, that your teeth dropped out, that you're falling, etc.

I was amazed how psychologically it means. When I'm flying, it means I've a sense of freedom, and also authority; especially when I can take control of my flight and move above buildings or trees. However, if you can't take control of your flight, and would always be obstructed by trees, birds, etc, this would mean that there could be certain obstacles in your life that make you feel that you can't take full control over it.

As for why we dream that our teeth dropping out could be various reasons. One, it could be that we're very conscious of our appearance, bcoz teeth is the element of our smiles. Next, as we know that our teeth is used for chewing, gnawing, etc, it could mean that we're feeling powerless when they start dropping out.

Over all these analysis, it lies back to our daily lives. Maybe we can understand our dreams and work on the situations that relates to them.

Then today I recalled what have I been dreaming the past few nights... Coming to think of it, I started laughing. There was this night that I dreamt Katherine was a cashier in the bookshop, and I was so surprised when I visited that shop to purchase some stationeries. Haha... Then I realised that the entire Drama from CM was actually in-charged of that bookshop. There was Eugenia, Charis, etc. I was like huh...when I finally woke up and recalled all of that.

Then there's this another night where I dreamt I lost my temper on somebody when he mentioned something that I was still very frustrated about. And when I realised that he was fed-up for being shouted at, I was very remorseful immediately, and kept apologising to him till he finally forgave me. That reminds me of this typical Grace. Who would always easily be angered and anger people, but would be very quick to resolve the commotion.

:: Real or Unreal? ::

2009-03-30T00:24:00.003+08:00

Now..no stopping. The show has to go......

The scenes involved include happy and sad and mourning scenes. When it was the time of the calvary scene, where I had to come out with the crowd to moan, and beg for Jesus to be sparred...i wondered what happened to me. I really started crying, and was wailing out "Mercy mercy...He's a good person...Please, please spar Him... No no...Stop... stop beating Him....Spar His life.....". What was so good but made my emotions got worser was when Rachel Chia(also dancer) came from behind and told me "He deserved it! He's not fit to be our master", and she pulled me back from moaning...all the more I struggled forward to reach for "Jesus". Tears already welling up....Then it was over.

NEXT Scene of "King is alive", I had to smile again. Smile after crying isn't EASY!!! I was like....haha.....abit schizophrenic......After the finale....I was really really very tired. Not physically tired....but emotionally tired......Very very...........

The fun scene was the crucify scene. I kept pushing the roman soldiers away and wanting to get in front, and I kicked forward to push myself front, push push push!!! Like a RIOT. And I even forgot what to say....my lines...i almost said "Let me get in!!", "Stop pushing....I want to get inside!"....Then i quickly changed to say "Look at that man....He's a fraudulent masterpiece!".

Haha.....but glad this time I was able to smile for both dances. Clare was there to witness and she told me that I did smile evidently, and it really make the dance look more energetic and nicer. yay!! Keep it up!!!!

:: Watching and Imitating ::

2009-03-25T22:48:00.002+08:00

I'm a little afraid to watch "The Phantom of the Opera", but yet I'm watching and hoping to learn from Kristine who sings and smiles so naturally. I lose it! I could do it 2years ago, during Easter 2007. Rachael would remember how I would sing the song "Think of Me" and how my voice would even be heard from the room she was in (to hold the dancers then), from my room which hold the singers. I would sing a line, and she would take the next. And we would danced out to the corridors and meet to sing together. It was very amazing then. We could sing and smile, and still maintain eye-contact and moved along to our melody, just like how the musical "The Phantom of the Opera" did so.

Now...I'm experiencing difficulty singing and smiling while dancing. Where has that part of me been lost to? I thought I always could do so in the past. I could sing, smile, and move around the chapel to the songs from "Enchanted". Where has it gone to?

Perhaps during then, when I did all those, I felt that it was really silly and that people were getting irritated to keep seeing me move around the places, singing non-stop. Hence, I sort of withdraw those "silly moments" from reality.

Now I need them back. Who can bring that back to me? God, be my "Music Tutor", my "Dance Tutor" and be my JOY! Let these be my countenance to show who You are in my life, and how others could experience the same way as I did.

:: Observation ::

2009-03-24T01:15:00.002+08:00

Videos I often look at and learn from

2009-03-22T19:49:00.001+08:00

The Full Dance:

This one also is nice!!

:: Learning ::

2009-03-22T17:32:00.003+08:00

It's amazing how God sends different ones around me to encourage me, when I'm down. I received a sms from Andrew this afternoon, with regards to yesterday's dance pract. I was really encouraged and touched to have someone to spur me on even in the midst of difficulties. Because words could be very blunt at times, and it has power to cut, tear and destroy. That's why we need to constantly come back to the Father's love, which assures, builds and heals. God has been sending different ones to speak words of healing and words to build me up along this path. Thank God for that! I'm loved!

Then back to school on a sunday, my mind was not quite there bcoz I couldn't concentrate with the many many formations in my mind, and I ended up drawing them up in class...moving from formation one to two to three. And my friends saw it and asked what these wantons. Haha!! I need wisdom from God! To understand, discern and apply information, and not memorize information and reproducing it during the exams. That's mere copyrighting. But thank God for sending Rachael to be my encourager and to pray for me in this area, also this afternoon.

Taken before cell last Friday, in my attire after contemporary dance, with Esther's hat. haha.. Jane was right...my eyes are red....due to lack of sleep....

God remembers me. He remembers my dreams. He remembers my struggles. He'll be there to turn things around and I shall commit all things unto God for the good!

:: Super upset during pract today ::

2009-03-22T00:33:00.002+08:00

Super upset during today's dance practice. First, I got scolded by a fellow dancer for like no apparent reason. I was very sure I was in the right position, and even Victoria agrees. Somehow, I dunno why she kept saying I gotta be the other side. Sigh...She sound really like scolding her baby boy for running around the playground. Forget it. And then I don't really feel very happy already.

Next, came Linda who reprimanded me in front of the entire team, just becoz I didn't sing while dancing. Fine. My whole spirit was just lifted up and crushed to pieces on the ground. Afterwhich, I went down to meet Kat at Manna Bkshop. And I was already in tears.

:: Perfections ::

2009-03-17T12:12:00.002+08:00

I'm looking forward to perfections, however, somehow I need people to point out my flaws. Yesterday's dance practice was very rushed, but was great. Lots of formation to remember and figure out in order not to cause a traffic jam. Katherine happened to stand in front of me last night, and therefore she kept pointing out to me some of my mistakes which I didn't ever came across that they were wrong before. I need people to tell me so that I could change for the better. All the while, I thought my "jeruselem" was okay. Haha... It was really funny becoz the whole grp was doing while she was telling me, and I stood there and froze, and dunno how to continue with the next move the grp was doing. Then she hinted me with her sheepish smile to move to "lift up your voice and sing". Haha.. That's typical Kat.

This Thursday I wanna spend more time studying and revising, since this weekend is 10am-5pm lessons by UK Lecturers, which means I've lesser time this week to revise. Hence I told Kat I won't be able to come this Thurs for drama pract, and she gave me that "funny stare" implying that "oieh...". Haha. But she still allow me to be excused la. Haha...

The formation for Let Heaven Ring was rather easy, but somehow I don't know why I have to always turn 3times in order to get to the circle????? Argh.. By the time I'm there, I'm feeling dizzy and everything. Faints. Maybe we could walk towards the circle glamourously? Nvmind, I'll try to examine that on Saturday with the group. Have to get the grp to "jotomatek" for me. Haha..

The formation for The King Is Alive, is not that easy. Lots of traffic jam. And not that easy to estimate where to stand to be in line with my partner (Joyce). Maybe when I'm walking I should be looking also at where Joyce is. Hmm..that's why I'm always behind Joyce or in front of Joyce. I wasn't looking at where I was walking. So much of kneeling and bends(hip-hop style) that my thighs are now suffering from major muscle ache. I bet after easter, my arms and legs would be more muscular, and somewhat similar to that of a ballet dancer.

Something I don't understand when I saw this on TV even. Dancers need to learn some form of endurance? Why? The way the train dancers for endurance is kinda wierd. The way the TV showed was to get them to be in some very extremely cold temperature places. Hmm..

:: Greatly Into Emotions or Greatly Affected? ::

2009-03-13T00:23:00.002+08:00

Today's drama practice reminded of the scene I saw many years back, while I was still in secondary school, and how then I skipped youth services because I can't mix with the people around. Then I went with my parents to the "King and I" presentation during Easter then. It was Katherine then, who acted as the "adulterous woman", whom everyone wanted to stone bcoz she's an outcast in the society for she is known to be one who has slept with many men and commited adultery (which was a big woo-ha in the early days).

I remember this scene, which made me wept almost immediately. I felt so like the adulterous woman, not bcoz I commited adultery, but bcoz I felt as if I was the society-reject back then; where I can't find close friends, can't find belonging, and felt that whatever I do is always not approved by man. Then Jesus came to question the crowd, "Whoever who has no sin can be the first to stone this woman". Many times we see the mistakes, the errs of others, but we can't see ours. We hate others and we almost want to see their downfall. Then as we question ourserlves, we realised we're not that worthy to be in position to penalise someone else. When Duane Thia (acting as Jesus) came towards my direction and passed the stone to our cluster to stone the adulterous woman (Cherie), I felt that I might be as filthy as the she is.

While we were supposed act as an angry crowd, hurling accuses and shouts against the adulterous woman, I found myself saying this, "See that you're only regretting it now. Why did you do so in the first place?". Somehow, I felt as if I was saying it to myself. Each time I fall, or I did something wrong, I felt this same voice telling myself "Why do you only regret it now? Why did you do so in the first place when you know this would be the outcome?". When I hurled that remark to the adulterous woman during that scene, I felt tears were about to pour out. I felt that I needed to come to Jesus personally and receive His forgiveness and love and acceptance once again. That was how I felt many years back, while watching that scene in the congregation seat.

When Duane (playing Jesus) finally said, "See, there's no one here who is against you anymore. Your sins are now forgiven. Now go, and sin no more", I felt the incredible acceptance received all over again. I'm someone who would be entirely engrossed into dramas/musical/movies, that's why I avoid watching TV, which could make me emotionally tired. I remember in the story, the woman was accepted by Jesus, forgiven, and could moved on free. These can never be bought by money, and no man on earth can give that kind of acceptance where Jesus gave. Jesus, I'm coming back to You.

Apart from this scene, there was another pilates scene where I had to now hurl accuses on Jesus, which was the hardest to do so. I ended asking around, "Who is that man?", and Iryn asked, "Yes, what's he doing there?". And I don't know why I found myself saying this next, "Is he handsome?". Haha...and Iryn couldn't continue acting, and turned away giggling. Hahaha!! When the crowd became more active in hurling accuses, they ended up pushing the roman soldiers (who were blocking them from coming to the front) and the shirts of the roman soldiers were almost torn. Oh my...this was only practice. THen I ended up shouting nonsensically again, "The roman soldier needs a new shirt!", and everyone around me started laughing and Jerry stared at me. What was I talking about????? I was supposed to scold Jesus in the scene!! Oh my. After awhile, I ended up almost speaking in tongues as I ran out of words to scold, but my actions were like pointing towards Jesus looking fierce and angry. Can't imagine that.. I also had a great fun time pushing the guys in front towards the ROman soldiers so that I could be nearer in front to hurl more accuses. Haha.. Pushing ppl is so so fun!!! Till the guys turned back and complained. Hahahaha... During the hurling of accuses scene, I felt that I almost blurted out some vulgarities, bcoz my actions were so vigorously angry moves, pointing pointing, as if I wanna bash up the person for stepping on my toe in the MRT.

Linda finally ended the night's practice, and she asked everyone to find a partner to pray thru for Easter. Jane suddenly appointed me when Linda asked her who's her partner. I was actually quite afraid to mix around, and I already drawn back to my seat to drink water. I was just about to accept the reality that I might not have any prayer partner, and wow! Thank God, there's now Jane. Haha.. Jane, let's pray together!!!!!!!!!

:: Jiayou Grace!! ::

2009-03-10T21:38:00.003+08:00

I am gonna go with Jane together with Rachel (who's also from this Easter's dance) to Studio Wu tomorrow to try out Raggae Intro Class. I freaked myself out this afternoon when I checked out the videos on Youtube of demos, doing backwave, freestyle, etc of raggae. Then I told Jane that I might backout halfway if I think I can't continue or wanna give up, since there's still Rachel. But Jane encouraged me not to give up, and step out with courage to try new stuff, and that she will helped me out along the way. I guess I should be able to go through the 1hour.

Just stop worrying!!! I tell others not to worry, but here I am worrying. Better walk my talk.

After two sessions in LCE, I am sort of sure that there's a heavier responsibility needed. The people need the Lord, hence they need us to walk them through certain journeys. LCE appears like an empowerment, and teaches us in the various areas. It also gives me greater light to the annual report. I know understand further on the Benevolence Fund. It's a package. From the day-to-day activities to the top management execution (in corporate means).

Last LCE, I sat beside Kat. And I am glad we can talk together freely again. During LCE, we kept joking and laughing from the small matters to almost anything. Kat offered her preservatives "sweets" around and asked me to have some too, so that when I eat them, I can dance very well. That's so lame!! Haha...Nobody told me that before. Haha.. I definitely wouldn't fall asleep during any lecture, sermon or LCE when I'm sitting beside Kat. Haha.. She's still so high despite a heavy night's of dance practice the night before, and I could tell from her eyes that she definitely has insufficient sleep. Must learn from her ah. Despite the stress from exams, I must still smile!

Prelims are over. Many things to work on. Time management. Topics that I'm not certain of, when I thought I was certain of. Some switch in focus of topics to whack for the major exam. Jiayou!!! No time to stop to think, but just go. GO!!

How come when I've no time to think about the stress from exams, yet I've time to think about my yearn for somebody? When I almost banged into him at one 3rd level lobby, the first word that came to my mind wasn't his name, but was the word "prince". Oh my...is this true? Why do I always bang into the person I love at a lobby? It's always a lobby, no matter where. Previously, I banged into Roger at the office lobby many months back; his wasn't only at the lobby, it was also a literal bang outside my department and I went "Arghh oops...sorry.."

Thank God I need not meet Him by banging into Him anywhere. Haha!!! But I can come directly to the Father through Jesus!!

Loving someone is having missing the person's smile, the person's frown, to hear the person's same old nagging words, to be surprised by the person again and again, and you don't mind that he wears the same old jacket and jeans again and again, you want to be noticed by him but not know what else to do after that. Will there be an opportunity? How should I create the opportunity if I have to?

:: Spirituality ::

2009-03-05T12:22:00.002+08:00

It was two misunderstandings in the week. Alrightey. I guess often we misunderstand because we're overly concern about certain things.

I know the answer. I know who God has called me to be; a woman after God's heart. Even if the world has been speaking something else into my life, I have to stand on His firm foundation and claim+declare everyday that I'm made to be a woman after His heart!!

The world's contaminated with so many other "truths" that sometimes I'm ignorant about, and there's no need to believe in them. Only believe in His definition, His perspective.

I was pondering over the meaning of "Spirituality" the past few days. Just because someone mentioned it to me on Sunday. I'm sure it is needed and normal to assess someone's or a cell member's level of spiritual maturity in a context like L-cell. I have personally done that as well, when I was in the JC core group mini L-cell, where we evaluate the 5Gs that we've so far executed and who we can appoint to try out leading one of the 5Gs, and who shall we send to SP course. Sometimes, in such context, our judgement are put across rather bluntly. We will come to decisions like, "Maybe we should give the person some more time, perhaps one more month, before we ask him/her to attend SP class". Because the person doesn't seem to be ready, and is always very stressed when we ask him/her to say grace, to pray, etc.

Then recently, I've heard comments about myself. I personally do not know who or what happened in L-cell that so many comments of me suddenly arose. But I do hear from a few people who spoke to me and affirm me of my voice, my growth, and to rise up. I'm quite surprised because some of those I don't usually speak to frequently. However, the funniest thing I've heard that someone commneted was, "Grace ar....her voice not bad...but she doesn't smile, so can't use her". HUH?? I never smile meh?

I don't usually smile when I'm praying during the 15mins into service, at pre-service prayer, because the prayer request are really important ones and I don't want to joke about any of them as the congregation could really see our reaction each time each prayer request was read out over the pulpit. I don't understand why during pre-service prayer Linda would always ask us to smile?? When everyone were intensively praying for others' needs. Then after 15mins of intensive serious praying, came the roll of the drums, "Are you ready to worship? Turn to two other people and tell them 'expect something this service!' ". All of a sudden, you had to smile, because we're transiting into praise worship. It was as if, immediately after "5,6,7,8" and the drum hits the first beat, and the singers start to sway LEFT, and suddenly the smile appeared on your face. Sometimes I think it's abit funny. Haha.

I believe it's a conscious effort to smile, so as to reveal the "joy" that God has given. Joy, is one of the 9 fruits of the spirit. Fruits of the spirit would mean evidence of your spirituality, or level of spiritual maturity. Therefore, I guess somehow why "smile" was so emphasized in the ministry. But we can't just smile on stage, and get off the stage looking so "qi-cham". That's really schizophrenic. Haha. But even if life hasn't been smooth, and yet you're able to smile because you know that God is for you, just that the other end of the tunnel isn't as clear yet, that's strength! I wrote this on gmail, "The stars that shine for me, and the applause that gives me strength". Actually, it was originally a song from a dance drama. But, I am looking at this phrase in another view: God made the stars of me, that they shine for me and I could be in delight whenever I look at them in the skies. The applause from the congregation actually encourages me everytime that there are many many souls who longs to worship God, and their applause shows their enthusiasm and acknowledgement of who God is. I will have strength to continue to sing praises to Him no matter the situation I am in.

"所有的星光为我闪亮, 所有的掌声给我力量"

Actually one's level of spiritual maturity can be best seen in during the adversities. If one's faith isn't wavered during the storms, but he or she actually become more fervent in prayer and petition, and continues to sing praises to God, that's strength from God; strength that arises from a high level of spiritual maturity. Similarly, someone who wouldn't get angry so easily over a team member in the ministry, also shows a high level of spiritual maturity. Now I have to work on the second. Maybe one day I should just ask her out for dinner and pray for her. It's very funny...we're 8-9years apart. We'll see.

:: Saturated ::

2009-02-28T16:26:00.002+08:00

I've not rested ever since the preparation for prelims commences. It's very very tiring..

I've a paper next at Monday (Management Accounting-2.15pm) and followed by Tuesday (Auditing-10am). Why is the timing so so terrible? I've somewhat 6hours to study for the next paper after Monday's. This is stupid.

I've got practice for easter later...hence it shows how much time I really left for constructive revision. I'm thinking of whether to just serve for one service only tomorrow. I'm thinking of where to go to study tomorrow. Bcoz if I go home......temptations to sleep, eat, surf the net, sing songs, watch tv, dance, etc.... Like that...no proper revision can be done.

Where should I go???

:: Perhaps it's the way I portray myself ::

2009-02-23T23:46:00.002+08:00

I felt like making a public declaration the other day. However, I thought to myself, "why bother? You cannot have everyone to believe in you. You cannot stop people from saying things that are not true about you".

I was really upset when the issue was even brought up by Clare. Previously it was Pamela. Back then it was Gillian (my 1st cell leader in tcc). Perhaps it's the way I look at people, that I used to not smile and always wear a frown, that people say I look "scary".

I grew up not knowing how I could approach people to teach me or mentor me. All I did was to observe. I observe the people around me, from people who were role models, professionals. There was once I kept observing my sec. sch's Head Prefect, till her classmates said that I'm a 'les". Honestly, back then I have no idea what that word meant, and I actually went back to ask my parents. I was really upset. I was only sec 1, and people passed this remark on me, which lasted about 3years (that's how rumours worked), till people around me understood me. Then my 1st cell leader said she was also initially afraid of me when she even knew that I was in tcc and in the same sec sch as her, and had to be my cell leader. She said she somehow knew that I'm not what people has been calling me, but she said that my actions make me look like one. And I was very upset then. Whenever I try to make new friends, some guys who were fond of that girl whom I'm friends with, would come up to me a shout at me. They are thinking that I'm trying to get afresh with their "girl". What?! I cried in school. Why doesn't anyone believe in me? I tried so hard, till I forced myself into a relationship with a guy I don't think I fully love him, so just to prove that I'm not a les.

Afterwhich, I think people sort of got tired of having their previous mindset about me, and many slowly understood me. Also bcoz they've grown to be more matured. I felt happy that people have finally know who I am, that I'm perfectly straight!

However, something happened in my final year in sec sch. It made me hated and grew to become more wary of "men". Hence, I stopped mixing around with guys. Although my teachers kept consoling me, and encouraging me, it took me sometime to get out of it.That was one of the reasons why I joined Taekwondo. P.Pete was really sharp and he identified the issue to me, but he didn't know exactly what has happened. But his words are very sharp. I'm glad I quitted and stop my nonsense. Strength comes from God, I need not use mine to conquer the enemy.

Naive, was I back then to think I could share my fears and struggles with just anyone around me in tcc. (bcoz not everyone is ready to listen) When I shared this with Pamela one day.....we lost contact for quite a long while...the next time we catch-up, it was after one of the CM practice. She told me back then when I shared with her that I was "afraid of guys in the MRT, and that I was very wary of them", she said she then started to avoid me and was afraid of me. Oh my...what's this?! I don't think a perfect and pure les would be afraid of guys? It doesn't fit into the definition I thought.

I was then thinking, why has so many people in my life gave me this remark. Am I really one bcoz alot of them are speaking that of me? I confessed that there was once I tried to "face reality", believing that I was really who they say of me, and I tried to become one. I tried for less than a day and I gave up. I couldn't do it. I don't know how to bcom one! I don't have the qualities to bcom one!

I gave up trying to bcom someone whom I'm not. God has not called me to bcom who they say of me anyway. God has called me to bcom a woman of God, after His heart and serving Him all of my life with the joy that sustains me. I don't have to bcom someone whom I'm not. I shared this with Clare and Kevin just before LCE, and they said "I'm glad you know that you're not. And you don't have to try to become one. Just be yourself". Yes! Just be myself!! I am not gonna entertain whoever who will be next (whoever that maybe sent by the enemy) to tell me that they're afraid of me, that they think I'm not straight, etc. I'll rebuke them in the name of Jesus. I'm happy being a female, and I will always be. Same to Waikay. If he ever calls me Mr.Grace again, I'm not gonna be very kind anymore. There are certain things that I cannot put off with so much grace and love. I have to be harsh. So just SHUT UP!

Now I truly see how powerful the tongue can be. To edify or to belittle someone. I shall use mine wisely.

:: Worship is for Him alone, I don't need approval to Worship ::

2009-02-23T23:29:00.002+08:00

I found this on one of the youth's blog, and I'm amazed. I've seen how this boy who was initially from DL, and kept jumping about when he entered IGNYTE Sec 1. Haha.. Till I saw him served in the Father's Love as a .....I don't know what you call that. "Stomp"?? He was able to show concern for people around him. I usually thought guys of this age would "hack-care" about situations around them. But I was wrong when he actually asked me out of concern, when I had a relapse of hyperventilation during the Father's Love production. I'm believing that IGNYTE has made the youths grown to become extraordinary people after God and with compassion for His people. My perception has changed.

Here's what I read on his blog:

Why do we worship our lord? Is it because others are worshiping him too??

The answer can be found in 1st corinthians 10:31.

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God"

Yes, worshiping God is Glorifying him.

Worship = worthship -- Devoting the worthiness of an individual to receive special honour in accordance with his worth.

How do we glorify God?

1) Cultivate a habit of including God in every segment of your life. Thus explaining 1 cor 10:31.

2) Refusing to expect or accept any glory that belongs to God. Ask yourself why are you serving?? Is it really to glorify God?

3)Mantaining a priority relationship with HIM that is more important than any other on earth.

4) Living a life of giving.

:: I am lacking motivation and discipline ::

2009-02-23T18:25:00.002+08:00

Why am I finding it so hard to focus during my revision? I can't really do a proper revision. What is it that's distracting me?

I feel that I'm very very slow in my revisions. But the more I want to go faster and deeper, the slower I get. I'm very tired easily these days. I don't understand why. Is it because I don't really enjoy what I am doing or what is it? I quite like doing the stuff I do whenever I'm doing it, but somehow I never complete them. It's always half-way there, and I'll end up doing something else....such as watching TV and eating snacks, sleeping.... Oh man...I cannot continue this way.

:: The email and the sms ::

2009-02-18T16:42:00.003+08:00

I remember vividly, during LCE as P.Dom mentioned that his dad is in ICU and has been operated on for straight 14hours. Everyone quietened, and was in compassion. After prayer and when it was time for District Time, I saw P.Dom's brother, who looked really disheartened but he held back his emotions so as to comfort his mum/aunt (a lady who's elder than him, but I don't know their relations) who was crying, and her eyes were red and she had to clear her tears away every now and then with the tissue in her hand. My emotions were stirred. All I could do was to keep him in prayer.

Then came the email today, from Pastor Gary. Uncle Anthony left home for the Lord. Then followed by another two smses from Trinity to inform the same message and also where the wake will be held. Initially I felt angry and yet helpless, that there's nothing I can do and that my prayers didn't work. However, I knew that God's plans are better. He knows what's best. And we were assured that He is in safe hands now, and is very very happy to be with the Lord.

Lord Jesus, when the day arrives, when it is my turn to go, I want to be happy to leave the world and come to You. However, I do feel unworthy and unclean at times when I disobeyed or sinned. Let me stay pure and holy for You. It involves a whole lot of people than I thought so. My countenance and my purity would be an impact on the ministry I give to my family, the church, my relationships with my friends, my confidence in my studies, my trust in You to find me a job, etc. The list goes on. Let me always be ready and pure & holy to leave and be with You at anytime, anywhere. That's my commitment that I do not want to break anymore. I have had enough of nonsense. This is real business. I know it's not gonna be easy. And it doesn't mean I wouldn't end up sinning anymore. But it will take greater effort to overcome temptations and to conquer the nature of sinning over humanity in me. You've broke the curse of sin, that we're no longer slaves to sin. Therefore, whatever human nature is, you can bring me to the place where I no longer worry that I would fall into any sin. Instead I would worry of how much more I can do in partnership to glorify Your name.

:: Don't Underestimate God ::

2009-02-14T10:38:00.002+08:00

As I was on my way home, after jam+cell, I ran into ZiYu and QiuYan. I don't know why, but QiuYan started talking alot to me. I was like...eh, I'm not a youth leh, so stop counselling me, etc etc.. But I didn't say that out. But I guess God has sent her to keep reminding me (as QiuYan keep repeating again and again) to trust Him and not to underestimate His power in my job application.

Although I went into technicalities and practical techniques in the discussion of job search with QiuYan, 75% of the time she kept asking me to pray, seek God, trust Him, don't underestimate Him. I wanted to stop her and ask her for more tips, practical tips, but she just kept saying pray, seek, trust, etc etc.... I was wondering why?

I guess I really have to keep trusting Him and not fret each time I see another friend got an offer, etc. I need strength to trust Him, whenever I see a tide of wave coming onto my right, my left, in front of me. I need mental strength to trust.

I need lots of mental strength to concentrate on my studies whenever I'm revising. I need full concentrate to not allow my mind or my attentional span be distracted. Stop watching TV! Watching TV reduces attention span vastically! I need lots of stamina to wake up at 7am everyday to do my revision, and be disciplined.

I need the assuring love of God to know that I need not seek approval from man in ministry, in school, etc to have a place to stand. Katherine ever mentioned this, although I kinda rephrased it: Respect isn't earn from a person's status, in fact, everyone should earn a respect from one another. In other words, I shouldn't be biased to only respect those in higher positions, i.e your boss, your leaders, your lecturers, the scholars in school, etc.

:: Perfectionist? ::

2009-02-10T10:26:00.002+08:00

Somehow I wasn't satisfied with myself. I didn't came in exactly on the second beat of "Let...Heaven". My steps aren't sharp enough as yet. When I took a video of myself, I didn't like what I see. It's just not good enough. And I keep doing it everyday. Everyday's video has a difference. Alamak.. But I think it's getting better. If I have a video of the entire steps that will be good (only for me, bcoz the rest won't be as free/wu-liao as I am to watch it and practice).

But thank God I can grasp the steps very fast, although I didn't perfect or sharpen the steps that fast. Am I a perfectionist or what? Must it be that good afterall? I just can't let it off if it's of mediocre standard. I don't know why. Same for academics. Sloppy work I'm not interested in, unless I know that it's already the best I can give. Haha...

On Sunday's practice, Victoria mentioned a term for the turns we were supposed to do, and I went to ask Jane further for the spelling of the term, haha. And then, I found this on wikipedia.

Chaines / Chainé turns / Chaines turns
See Glossary of ballet terms#Chaînés.
French for 'chain', this step is a turn with the body held in a static 1st, taking half a turn from one foot to the other. Many put together in a sequence form a chain of small turns.

Chaînés (ballet term)
This is a common abbreviation for tours chaînés déboulés, which is a series of quick turns on alternating feet with progression along a straight line or circle. They are also known as chaînés tournes. In classical ballet it is done on the pointes or demi-pointes (on the balls of the feet).

Basically we're moving towards our right for both of the turns at "...Hosanna" and "Lift up your voice and sing". Hence, it's also clockwise. Haha.. Alright...this has become very theoretical. Unfortunately I can't find any videos or pics of chaines to upload here.

:: It is all Calm again ::

2009-02-07T22:42:00.002+08:00

GOtta learn how to handle emotions.

How come is it that towards the final exams, I see the ugly side of man? We're living in a practical reality. Hmm.. However, I thank God for the bunch of friends who are still sincere. I'm praying that I can cope and do well. At least 2nd Upper Honors.

I asked this question on Friday, what's the difference between "Consequences of sin and retribution". Clare said she has to answer, but she's not telling me.. She only give me clue and hints. Argh... The clue she gave was "What's the definition of sin", and to analyse it in that direction. Hmm... Maybe I'll write an article on that topic. Shall submit to her and John & the cell one day. Haha..

Yesterday I fret again. Please forgive me. Was chatting to Clare about it, and finally decided to do something. She was right. I have to face my fears and handle it myself. I can't always have someone else to do that for me. I never learn and in fact, I become more afraid as I rely on others. And I did it, and didn't dare to think about the consequences. However, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm always afraid that others would feel that I'm irritating, harrassing them, and that I'm a pain in their neck, a sight of detest. I wonder why. This, I need to find the root of it.

However, after finding out that the person actually doesn't hate me or dislike me as I thought, I still am in disbelief. I'll seek and try to find actions of the person that represent his or her psychological contract breach. The more I seek, the more I'll find. At the end of the day, I conclude that this or that person hates/dislike me for very trivial or minor incidents. (That's a revision of HRM theory anyway).

That is NOT TRUE, Grace! You're PRECIOUS! To God, to your family, your friends, the ministry and to the workplace at large!! Of course, you can't have everyone to love you 100%. But you also can't have everyone to hate/dislike you, am I right?

My next fear was induced by Nicky lor... She said the worst thing that can happen to you in a dance audition is that you don't get selected. Then wad's next? She said the worst thing that can happen to you when you're already selected is that you get kicked out! Sigh...Nicky!!! Why must you say that.... *Reject reject that mentality**. I'm not working towards a goal of not being kicked out, but I want to work towards excellence. Similarly, in academics, you definitely don't just work towards a mere pass so that you don't fail the subject and having to repeat it. You definitely work towards a distinction or a desired grade!

But I want to thank God for providing me this opportunity which I've waited for 2 years. Time passed real fast, since the day I decided to learn dance was during 2006 Easter. It started from the samaritan woman, to alive, and so on. Only Rachael knows when it really started, and MinMin was the spark of why it happened. Haha... But I must thank them too..haha. Rachael, I know you'll surely read this. Thank you!

:: Phew.. ::

2009-02-01T19:30:00.002+08:00

Initially, I didn't feel like going for the auditions. Somehow, why is EVERYONE asking me to go this time?? I definitely didn't tell alot of people of what I wanted to try. Priscillia made me do warm up with her even before Pastor Victor gave the briefing.

Then I hid outside Classroom 6, not daring to enter, until Vera and Wantze had to give me their stare. Haha.. When I entered, I was surprised to see only me and Yinshi. Where are the rest? I thought there will be alot alot of people. I guess that's bcoz IGNYTE isn't involved this round. That explains the shrank in crowd, even right from the start of the briefing. It's definitely alot lesser people.

Somehow this round, I like the dance. It's very modern and contemporary. Very Jane's style...haha. I like contemporary. How do I differentiate modern from contemporary? I really don't know leh. But I just know that this style of dance is similar to what captivated me when I saw the dance of the Samaritan woman. Very emotional ma...haha...

The steps are very flowy, and it allows your emotions to enter into dance mode. Haha.. And the last part of the dance seems very JJ Lin style.

I also realised I need not do what I initially intended to do at the audition. That's to pretend to be blind, by removing my contact lenses and glasses. I need not do so bcoz I already can't see anyone else during the dance. Although I know that Clare was standing somewhere watching, Pastor Victor also somewhere looking at the dancers, Wantze, Vera, etc. INVISIBLE...during the moment of the dance, bcoz my emotions took over me. Does that sound dangerous?? Hmm....

I didn't audition for soloist female parts bcoz they only need 1 female soloist, and they've sorta eye-balled certain ones already. What's more, the soloist has a role of an "adulterous"? I don't think I have the qualities to become an adulterous yet. Haha... "yet".....

:: I Can't Decide ::

2009-01-25T16:51:00.002+08:00

Am I worrying too much again? Whenever it comes to massive Production, I'm always asking myself the question, "Should I stay put in my comfort zone as a singer in the choir again?", "Is there a new platform I can serve Him?".

After putting in so much of effort for the Father's Love audition for dance, going through dance tutorials from youtube, friends, etc....but I still didn't get in then. I was devastated and was in bewilderment. Perhaps because I relied on dance as another platform I can depend on after quiting taekwondo. However, 2mths after quiting taekwondo is no good for joining dance. Taekwondo makes one very stiff in the first place. Maybe that's why Linda was saying that I was very stiff during the Father's Love audition.

Now, it has been 2years since after I quited. I did so many things to improve on my own. I didn't believe I had the guts to go to Studio Wu's charity event, knowing that the school's the best dance studio in S'pore and the people there are very "zai..". Still so "gei-kiang" to go there for lessons with Jane, who has significant background than compared to me. When I was there, I was so scared, and was very conscious of the people standing at the door to stare inside and watch us dance. Standing at the back was the "safe zone" I supposed until the 2nd dance class made us all reverse and I became the 1st in the row. If I dance wrongly, the whole class can see! Faints.. That dance instructor used the song "Womanizer" at the start of the class to do 30mins of warm-up. And now the song is still in my head!!

Besides that, I have been on the secret learning journey. As in I went online to learn dance tutorials, peeped at dance lessons in my school (becoz I don't belong to the club), memorize Kat's dance steps during last easter and tried secretly elsewhere (and ppl asked if she taught me, and how come I know the dance).

After doing so much. Should I dance for Him? I guess the desire to dance for Him, and let people see His beauty from the dance, didn't come to me from no where. The desire was impacted on me firstly by Kat, then I progressed from there. But it took me 2years to grasp a hold of what dance really is. Then again, am I ready? In the chronicles of narnia, when Prince Caspain said "I don't think I'm ready", Aslan replied, "That's when you're ready, becoz you'll not rely on self but on Him".

On the other hand, Clare told me something which surprises me. How come she knows so much? I didn't really share with anyone. She mentioned that I do appear rather transparent to her. Haha.. Oh dear. Is that good or not good? She said, "I know you want a role to singing, not just within the choir, but as an individual role of singer (soloist). So on the 1st Feb, go for the audition and indicate to the person auditioning you that you want a role. But there aren't many female soloists this round, but you can try". I was like, "What? Clare..that's very gei-kiang leh!". And she said, "Yes, gei-kiang. That's what you always wanted right?". I was like, "Huh? How did you know that was what I want? But I do have a phobia for auditions leh". And she replied, "Yes I know you have a phobia, but try". I replied, "Huh? How did you know I have a phobia for auditions, when I never told you before?" and she replied, "You do appear very transparent to me. At least to me. I'm not sure about the rest". Huh...

Should I also go for the audition for soloists? I spoke to Pris today about it. She encouraged me to try, and almost scolded me for thinking so much. She said, "Just GO LAH!!". Haha.. I think I really need scolding to push me to do things arh. Haha..

Aiya...anyway, I have no firm grounds on banging into any particular area of serving. I was thinking of having shopping at the auditions. As in try different things, then see how it goes, without the mentality that "I must get into this or that". That's less stressful. And it would be quite fun. Can learn new dance moves, experience singing acapella alone and having ppl to hear you for the moment. Haha...

Songs that I've written thus far

2009-01-23T12:54:00.002+08:00

Be With You

In All My Life

This song is Chen Weilian's, which I tried to play and sing in another key. Sorry, it's a chinese song. Haha..

Clare encouraged me to write chinese songs, because my songs often sounds very chinese, becoz I've been listening to great chords from various chinese songs. Haha.. The modern contemporary chinese type which often goes down in their chords 1 6 45 3

:: My song on Youtube ::

2009-01-15T22:21:00.002+08:00

I wrote this song last year. To remind myself that no matter how hard we try to search, we can never find something that satisfy us except God's love.

:: Affirmation ::

2009-01-15T21:07:00.002+08:00

I don't know if this came timely. I always thought that my efforts are superficial and never would be recognized. I often look down on myself, because seldom has my parents praised me for my efforts.

Once in a blue moon then will I hear my mum telling my sister off that "your sister could be disciplined and study on her own. but you need me to chase after before you can get down to serious work".

Then came comments from Rachael, MinMin, my cell, etc who mentioned that I am very hardworking. I didn't receive that comment and just let it float away again.

Then came a lecturer whom I feared most initially, and wanted to give up totally till I realised that I wanted to do well solely for myself. At the start of the year, Adrain said this "Grace, I think you'll do well for MA, because you know what you're doing". I was shocked. After reflecting upon it, I really understand MA more than I understood FR. THen James, who was the lecturer for MA, told me this last year, "You did very well for your assignment, keep it up". I was like, oh really? Is that how he know my name, and started calling for me to answer his DIFFICULT qns in class?

Then today, Yanru told me something which I felt like crying, but just laughed through. She told me that James told her this, "Grace is a rare species, who's so hardworking". I was very encouraged, and definitely it would spur me to work on further. I will always rem what John ever said. When someone affirm you, it doesn't mean you're already there. You gotta work further and further on it.

James sees us, Yanru, Yangtheng and me as a clique/bunch. However, 3musketeers are sometimes not easy to handle. Two by two is much easier. James has also noticed that the 3 of us are not very together this year. I felt that's because Yangtheng is more attached to Xiaoming this year. Hence, there's an expansion of the clique. But I'm still alright with the rest. Our group has expanded to include people like Xiaoming, Tessa and Baoling. Haha.. On Thursday, there's an extra member who's crazy over THe Little Nyonya, called Brian, who joins us for FM.

Career Development Camp 9-11th Jan 2009

2009-01-15T20:23:00.005+08:00

Here's my journey, through a camp, to go somewhere further. I'm changed!

Here's my roommate, YiShan, at Level 2 Room 13, at our Hostel. @Ulu Pandan SIM GE Campus

This is my camp group, and we're called the "Watashiwa"!! Here are the names (from the top left): Lily, Melissa, Ros, ME, Yanru, Yvette, Jeannie.

The group again....although some ppl are missing.

Complete Watashiwa group: Yvette, Lily, Yanru, Jeannie, Melissa, ME.

Another pic with my group.

Here's my bed in the hostel. It's raw mattress hence I've brought along my sleeping bag.

Here's my desk. Guess what? I brought my Management Accounting homework along to the camp and did them after the day's seminars and activities into the wee hours at 2am.

Here's how the seminar looks like. There's alot of interaction, hence explains the sitting arrangements.

The PAINTBALL FIGHTERS. From left: Sheena, Charmaine, Yanru, ME, Glauze. Do you find someone looking really familiar? Yes, Sheena was once a participant in the Campus Superstar I. She has a twin sister in the camp as well, and her name is Shermaine.

Here's how fierce we look..haha. Unconsciously we were smiling even when we're having our mask on. From left: ME, Yanru, Charmaine, Sheena, Glauze.

Here's the PAINTBALL FIGHTERS before the game.

After the game...

During the game:

Still posing for pics before the game....haha.

Still somemore pics before the game....I'm confused. Is this before/after the game??

Discussing for our fighting STRATEGY before the game, as we're fighting with real bullets against another team. I kinda felt that Sheena resembles Juliana Peh. Haha..

Yanru, me and Mavis.

The entire camp group picture..There are 40 of us, including guests from Singapore Banking and Finance team.

I still want my bed.....in the midst of the seminars. I missed DG...I miss my home, etc....... James always looks so happy in the picture (2nd guy from the left).

Here's the CSI game we played on the 2nd day. Waste of brain juice I tell you. And the case is somewhat similar to Ding Tang Dan An's episode.

Here's a pic of the Forensic Scientist in the Police Headquarters.

Here's the scene of the murder...looking quite real right? Except there's no bloodstains.

Still at the paintball arena listening for instructions and safety handling of the guns. I got a bruised arm on the right as I was shot during the first round of the fight. OUCH! It was REAL PAINFUL to be shot by a gun which speed is 280m/second. Luckily I was shot closely, so there's some distance to allow less pain. Now there's an ORH BAH KAH on the arm. Alamak...

I did this, and I promised myself never to do it again. We went to watch movies at 2.40am to 5am, and went back to the hostel at 5.30am. FAINT. I was DEAD TIRED after the movie and even throughout the movie. I'm never gonna do it again. Here's the girls, who still can pose when we're all so sleepy at 2am. BUT I was so surprised to see that there wasn't only us who were there at Orchard. There were so MANY people still around Orchard at the wee hours! I'm wondering what are these people up to. Too free ah? I only went bcoz I was in camp. AND would not do so on other occasions.

:: Farmart and Children ::

2009-01-05T15:51:00.003+08:00

A visit to FARMART.

Snap shots of parents and children.

Charlotte, ZhiGuo & Zoe.

P.Pete and Elisa.

Emma Joy Foo.

Emma crying on Roy's shoulders.

Emma holding onto my christmas present to Adeline.

:: Chalet @ Costa Sands 020109-050109 ::

2009-01-05T15:17:00.004+08:00

Here are some pics taken during the chalet.

The family of FOUR.

ME. Finally having sometime for snap shots.

Celebrating Dad's birthday.

Rushing for the Management Accounting assignment at the Chalet. People stared at me when they walk past my unit and see me studying at the chalet, while they were happily bbq-ing.

Going for a walk on the beach.

The upper level of the chalet unit.

Evidence for no rest at the chalet. Busy doing assignment.

This is my studying area. Cosy right? I made full use of the mahjong table found beside the fridge for my study table. haha.

:: Where's The Courage? ::

2008-12-24T17:28:00.002+08:00

Why and where's my courage? When Pastor Peter asked who knows the song, why didn't I dare to say I can try. P.Pete needs a "deh" voice similar to Jasmine's, and I knew I have that similar deh voice. But..why didn't I dare to raise up my hand to say "Pastor, let me try". Is it because I'm hold back by the fact that I'm a singer, not a co-leader, therefore he can't be looking for anyone from our side.

Not true. Not true! I don't believe in that.

Not bcoz I feel that Joan can't do a good job, but that I have a more suitable voice for the song. Joan's voice is alittle too mature. haha. Sigh. Somehow I don't know where's my courage to stand out from the circumstances or the mindset that choir singers are not supposed to do things beyond their circle.

:: Why did they cried for me? ::

2008-12-22T14:53:00.003+08:00

I feel that I'm such a letdown at times. Whenever I remember my loved ones who cried for me, I question and reprimanded myself for making the same mistake over again.

It pains me to see their eyes welled up with tears that they hold back, so as not to let them roll down. Rachael ever mentioned that "elder sisters" often has the strength and perceived responsibility that they should not cry in front of their younger sister, so that they would not affect them or would not imply further upset. I've always been an elder sister, and I never had anyone or seen anyone in that scenario. Till, on the two incidents, one with Clare and another with Ellen.

On the 20th Nov, when I met up with Clare, and shared with her something from my heart.. Something that has been hurting me. Initially I thought that perhaps she just yawned or something, that's why her eyes are red. But, it didn't seem to go away. It looks as though she was crying along side with me. I didn't bother to hold back any tears, and just let go. Her voice also went softer when she was praying for me and somehow I can hear that she was also feeling painful on the inside. Why? I thought it's only me who's suffering, and it's only me should be in sorrow.

This made me recall the TV AD on TV Mobile, on "Say No to Drug Abuse", which says "When you sniff glue, it's not you only who suffers. There are others who are suffering with you". I was reminded of God's love. He would also cry and share the sorrow whenever I'm experiencing it. Covenantal Relationship. Just like I would have tears welled up in my eyes when I see Rachael crying as she shared her testimony over the pulpit.

After a month, I met up with Ellen y'day, 21st Dec. Actually I also shared with her that same incident I shared with Clare. Somehow God spoke to Ellen prophetically and she sensed the pain I'm going through, but couldn't identify what was it till she approached me. Hmm..God, let this be DEALT with and DONE with. I don't want another sister to experience the pain I'm going/went through. Y'day, as Ellen was praying, she sounded different. I didn't realise anything till she had prayed finished. I saw her eyes were red and there were tears that were about to roll down. She still wears a smile in front of me, but I could see it drop when she turned to get her jacket. I didn't know what to do.

(Me and my sister-who was a baby then. My sister is always looking up towards me, in pics and in life)

I now then understand why my sis would often say she felt helpless whenever she sees me upset or in a bad mood. I felt helpless and I didn't know what I can do when I saw Clare and Ellen in that state. I felt like crying, but I'm afraid that it would worsen the situation.

Therefore I draw to Him and prayed for them. The above is a little book of mine, to store Bible verses.

:: I've Done It ::

2008-12-21T20:31:00.002+08:00

Phew.. The week is over! This week's crazy. I had to prepare for tests, had to prepare for consultations, meet my lecturer for consultation on job related issues, had christmas practices, had to busy shop for christmas gifts, had to meet up with Kat........

Thank God! I'm experience Your favor God! You are so real, that I can't deny that fact. I always like attention, and I do experience it from You in so many ways! I pray Lord that You'll bring me to the correct job soon before I graduate. Help me, make provisions for me!

This morning I was so so tensed up to meet Kat. Although the lunch arrangement was switched to breakfast at 10.40am before 2nd service at PL, it kinda means we've less time to talk about things. Well, the faster the better. Less smoky then. Before she arrive, I happen to end up sitting with P.Pete and the gang of co-leaders with a few singers (Shufang & Andrew). P.Pete keep giving me that "signature" look. I will keep reminding him that I'm still wearing a smile. P.Pete very kapo leh. Haha. He saw my handphone and took it without me knowing, and he saw my wallpaper (my childhood pic with my sis, who was still a baby then). He asked me, "Who's this?" but instead of replying his qns, I exclaimed "Why's my phone with you?!" haha!

Somehow when I was still waiting for the appearance of Kat, I kept fidgeting and mentioning that "I'm so scared". Till P.Pete asked, "Why are you so scared? What are you scared of? Why is she so scared?". hahah!! When I'm in the midst of waiting, I do silly things. I recite a phrase or two in cantonese, saying "Ngoh hai leng loy. Lei hai leng loy. Ngoh tey dou hai leng loy". Till TJ/Jen asked who told you that? I replied, "Jesus and myself said so". haha!! Then P.Pete asked, "When Jesus saw you He didn't ask you NGOH HAI BING GOR?". Alamak! My vocab for cantonese is pretty limited, and I didn't understand him. Till Shufang interpreted that statement; "Jesus didn't ask you WHO AM I?" ahah!! Lame...haha

When Kat finally finally arrive, I was like "The time has come...". She sat down and waited for me to start talking (still not knowing what I'm gonna say). I fidgeted, looked around, then finally spoke. Told her I wanted to meet her bcoz I wanted to apologise to her. Somehow she didn't see what I've done has affected at all. Haha!

I ever smsed her a message that's supposed to passed to the leaders, so just to show her that Hey Look! I'm called to do something big! I'm not a nobody hor! However, she said this, which reminded myself alot. She said "Hmm..maybe you might think that positions are very important to you, but it might not be for others. So if you sms this, to show that you're hving a certain position, I don't see it as anything. I should also apologise that you've failed in achieving what you've intended. Haha". Alamak... I also mentioned to her that I didn't only purposely sms such stuff to her to attract approval from people and to believe in my importance. She replied, "Our importance is not in positions, not in others' approval of us, not whether others respect us or not. Remember that our importance is in God, becoz we're His children". Something I knew it all the time, but yet I'm not exercising it 24/7.

She told me that most people would not have any effect when receiving such "accidental" msgs from me. They wouldn't see me any "higher or bigger". They would just feel wierd to receive msgs that don't belong to them. Hmm.. That's OUCH! But but...like what Kat also said, "Move on and learn from the incident lor". Hmm.. I wonder how someone can be so open to say that, after knowin what I've done all these while. It takes a certain amount of maturity and seniority. I need that alot.

She kept reminding me, even on our way to the stairway for prayer b4 service, that "Your importance is in GOd. Never in man. Man will fail you. Even if you b'com the WL of the team, you can also feel unimportant and not respected from man. But in God, you're important. P.Pete is respected not bcoz he's a pastor. Not bcoz of his age. He's younger than many of the ME singers, musicians, etc. BUt he's still respected, bcoz everyone should be respected".

Everyone should be respected!!! That's the key!! Everyone should be respected!!!

It has been Very LONG...

2008-12-19T12:26:00.003+08:00

It has been very very long since I last wrote here. Hvn't been hving time for myself to do any reflections. It has been busy from IWCP party, to assignments, tests, schoolwork, etc. You name it, I have it. I don't hv the luxury of time for holidays. Argh. Till I hv to give Campus Camp a miss. I hope I can still manage when I go for the other camp on 9th-11th Jan. Hope I would really learn much from the Career Dvlpt event.

I'm meeting James together with Brian for a consultation not on Management Accounting. But on interview technical questions preparations and resume review. Pretty scary.

I felt not really prepared for this morning's micro consultation, but at least I manage to go thru 3 exam questions with Mark harris. If I'd prepared more papers, could hv gone thru more! Anyway, it's good to try a couple per week.

Tomorrow's pretty scary day for me too. Sunday too! Oh my goodness. Why didn't I think before arranging so many all in a week!

Saturday (tomorrow) is my dance session at Studio Wu. It's gonna be only a one day event for charity. I'm signing up for hip-hop. 1-3classes. Jane's reccommendation. Hope it'll go well, and I can follow the class. I'm so afraid of the people I'd meet there. Will they accept me? Will I be far too slow from them? Will they think my dressing is wierd? So many questions... But I believe God will bring me in and out safely.

Sunday, I'll be meeting Kat! Shiver** Because I owe her an apology for being very rude to her the past few months. What's up with me?! Why do I keep having to apologise to people? Do I? No la, just Kat and P.Pete previously. Is it? Eh, I think also to some of the ME folks the other time when I became so fed-up when they started calling me "small Grace". And also me ignoring people completely when I'm not feeling well; can't concentrate when people talk to me and me coughing and feeling giddy.

Anyway, I sorta planned my "script" to say to Kat. God I pray for reconciliation. Let friendship and sistership be birth once again. God check my heart and let me understand myself, and what I want and how You want it to be.

God, Only You Can Save Me!

2008-12-10T19:55:00.003+08:00

I'm so afraid God. I don't want others to see my life as nothing compared to a nobody. I want to shine. Somehow why is it so hard to shine? My studies, my future career. They're now appearing to be "broken dreams" and I don't know how can they be revived.

Joyce Myers said "Trusting You is an attitude, a choice, that I choose to trust in You even when the whole world's worrying".

I've been trying to. I know You love me, and never want to leave the least for me, but You will give the best to me. However, Lord Jesus, please open my eyes to receive it. What should I do, what measures should I take to get to the best? I want to play my part. Teach me, what should I do next.

I know You've been sending many different ones around me to help me out. However, I can't always rely on man. God, teach me to rely on YOU!

In my dream a night ago, I remember telling this little sweet girl "All you have to do is just to ask the man for it. It's not true that he doesn't love you, therefore he doesn't give you. He didn't give it to you because you didn't ask. You just sat here waiting and looking. You didn't ask. You have to ask him". I remember this little girl then going up to the man to ask him for that something she wants, and she finally got it from his hands and was delighted. I then reminded her, "See, now you've got what you wanted after you asked from him".

I'm still pondering over this dream, and I wonder what God wants to speak to me. God, I ask and I ask LARGELY. The world school, the world S'pore says it's IMPOSSIBLE, but I want to ask from You as I'm Your daughter, Your princess. I want to ask for job even in the times like this. I ask for GOOD JOB. I want to learn and gather experience in audit. Lead me Lord, to the place. If a smaller audit firm would allow me to learn more, lead me to one. Tell me which to apply to.

I'm trusting in You.

Doing For Him, Only For Him I Do

2008-12-03T21:43:00.002+08:00

What's the PROBLEM: (1) Information Overload, (2) Negative Filtering, (3) Lack of Follow-up.

Trying to get out of something you've been battling for almost a decade, however to no avail as yet? You feel helpless at times, however you do feel Victorious at other times too. You ask yourself whether are you ever gonna win with FULL As or just "A,B,F,A,A". Here are some guidelines I could share. [Extracted from "Know Can Do. Put your know-how into action." by Ken Blanchard, Paul Meyer, Dick Ruhe]

Information Overload.

What does that mean? All along I know in the nutshell of who God is and that He love me because the Bible said so. I knew that from the Bible, from books, from people, etc. However, the main focus isn't head knowledge. The centre of KNOWING HIM is EXPERIENCING HIM. When was the last time you encountered Him? Was it 3years back, or when was it? It's only by getting closer to Him, listening to Him, following His directions, obeying Him, loving Him, reading His Word, encountering Him, receiving His vision, that can began to KNOW Him. Otherwise, all would be just textbook knowledge. Why can't head knowledge let us know Him?

We retain only a small fraction of what we read and hear only once. Therefore, we should read and learn less more and not more less. REPEAT THEM OVER TIME. It may seem silly to repeat this sentence every morning in front of your mirror, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In Him I have the Victory". However, if you really do so for 21weeks, you're really gonna become what you say! Therefore, speak LIFE and live LIFE. Once you've become what you speak, you'll be better able to make BIG THINGS HAPPEN!

Negative Filtering.

Here we've got a big stinking thinking to clear. People are often too negative, which gives them an inadequate filtering system. Let me ask you a question. Is positive thinking more powerful than negative thinking? I would certainly say so. Then is it a CHOICE to choose between positive thinking and negative thinking? Of course you do. Then why don't most people choose positive thinking over negative thinking? That's because we're often programmed that way. Let me show you how.

Right from the beginning, I think all of us are searching for unconditional love. We don't want to be loved conditionally, depending on what we do or say on any given day. We want to be loved for who we are. Unfortunately, all the people who are gathered around us (our parents and other adults) haven't necessarily gotten this kind of unconditional love themselves, which makes it hard for them to give it. This they tend to love us conditionally, based on our behavior. So we are constantly trying to do things to gain approval and a sense of belonging. NOW, you'd ask "How does this relate to negative thinking?"

As kids, we tried to get attention thru our achievements, seeking praise and approval from our parents. It was a frustrating process, bcoz, like all of us, our parents tended to accentuate the negative rather than the positive. When we behaved well, they expected it and therefore didn't say anything. When we did something wrong, they jumped all over us! I'm not saying it's wrong to correct kids when they're off course, BUT not without positive reinforcement too. When we don't get caught doing right, we start to doubt ourselves and doubt others. We begin setting up defense mechanisms (saying nothing will go right for me) to protect ourselves. We start filtering everything that comes to us thru a mind that is totally dominated by negative thinking. Our minds bcom CLOSED. We adopt judgemental attitudes and our insights are fear driven.

HOWEVER, no matter how bad our situations or backgrounds are, God will ALWAYS TURN them AROUND for us so in order that we FULFILL our DESTINY He has placed in each of us. Don't believe me. Listen to this. The author of this book was reprimanded in school for mispronouncing his words, and he didn't like school. However, can you belive that he is NOW an AUTHOR? What made him bcom one? His department chairman's belief in him, and had praised him for who he really is. God sends people around us to REMIND us of WHO WE ARE in HIM. Amen? I least expect anyone would comment on my smile, and thought that I don't look good and I'm not a person fitted to smile persay. However, Clare was the 1st person who complimented on my smile. However, that's not the end. I'm still working on it. Especially at times when the situations unable me to smile. Can you see what's happening?

First, one person who shows confidence in you can make all the difference in the world! Second, we have a choice about who we're going to listen to!! What you choose today, determines your tomorrow, yeah? However, I know we do make wrong choices at times, submit them all to God and He'll make your paths straight!! Believe it!! Otherwise, those who have gone onto the wrong path, could not come back onto the right one. Which isn't true! We've seen drug addicts, former robbers turning a new leaf! God is so great, and nothing can be against Him. He's the NAME above all NAMES. "Sin" is a name, and therefore, God is GREATER than sin! That's the concept.

Therefore, instead of saying "I can't write, I can't write, I can't write", try saying "I CAN write, I CAN write, I AM A WRITER!" For my case, I'll say, "I CAN SOLVE THE QUESTIONS. I AM AN ACCOUNTANT. I AM A FINANCIAL PLANNER"

Lack of Follow-Up.

Since some people, after they are exposed to something new (The TRUTH, Good Strategies for deliverance), don't have a follow-up plan, guess what happens? They REVERT BACK to OLD HABITS. People need a follow-up plan to put their know-how into action. What's follow-up then?

It's a review of how are you doing with the given knowledge/help now. It's to TELL ME, SHOW ME, LET ME, OBSERVE ME, PRAISE MY PROGRESS/REDIRECT ME. After saying so much, how to follow-up, you would ask. Follow-up is providing more structure, support and accountability. Structure and accountability can be provided when you plan to meet up your mentor once every 2 weeks, for 15-30minutes. However, most of us worry, of who can be our mentor to help us in the area where we need help. Who would be available for me to meet me once every 2 weeks? Find somebody who you can trust to give you support in prayer and in mentoring. I'm sure there would be many who would be willing to help. It need not necessarily need to be once every 2 weeks. It can be once a month, etc. During the follow-up, the mentor will then TELL YOU, SHOW YOU, LET YOU, OBSERVE YOU, PRAISE YOUR PROGRESS/REDIRECT YOU.

One-on-one meetings and outside telephone coaching are also helpful vehicles for closing the knowing-doing gap.

After hearing all of the above. What should you do? Start planning your follow-ups, and practice the steps mentioned above.

I AM GONNA LOSE MY COOL

2008-12-02T13:52:00.002+08:00

What's wrong with you people!?! I really feel like emailing this to everyone. But I didn't. I wanted to scold people or beat someone up!!!!!!!

What's so wrong about sending emails via "Reply All"? I always believe in transparency and accountability. What's so big deal about someone receiving 50 emails per day? That isn't any big amount I've handled before. If you don't like it, and don't want to be involve, then please opt yourself out!! Since you enjoy not knowing what's happening, and prefer to be in suspense. THen so be it!! Later don't come crying and asking around about the details and what to do. It'll be NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!! Really makes me feel like kicking someone's butt. Kick off the planet.

Please stop adding fuel when the flame has already started. Can't you see or sense? Where have your senses been to? MARS or the MOON? Please can you just stop it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And shut up!! Never have you been trying to improve the situation. You're always making worst.

:: I Can Preach! ::

2008-11-25T19:53:00.003+08:00

This is a pic of the dress YanRu bought for my birthday. Finally know how to wear it. Thank you Yanru!

Haha. I can preach! I don't know how I did it, but I did. Here's sermon notes:

Let me name today's topic as, Mental Strength. Whenever I fall, I get up. Whenever I'm far behind others, I catch up. We need to have a strong mental strength. Instead of feeling sorry for myself for failing once again, feeling depressed that others are always faster than myself, all of these could have been easier and simpler. Get up! Catch up! Move forward! Our emotions belong to God. If we want to take control over our emotions, to feel sad and all of that, God will certainly let us do so. He'll just wait for us to deal with it until we know that we need Him. Why even let emotions hinder you from moving forward? Just move forward! Say it with me, "Move Forward"! Some of you might be swelled up into emotions till you don't know how to move forward. Bring your emotions to the altars of God, and don't take them back. Imagine this with me. If you proceed to the check-in counter at the airlines, and place your luggage with them, you will not expect yourselves having to carry them back and onto the plane am I right? If you have to do so, that is a very LOUSY airline. Do we serve a "lousy" God? No! When we place our emotions at the altars, just LEAVE THEM THERE and go home! Don't run back to the altars to get them back! Let God deal with those emotions of yours. After doing so, you'd ask, what's next? Ask God what is it He wants you to do in order to move forward. Some of you it could be having to switch careers. I've heard of many testimonies that are life changing when these ones switch their careers, aligning them to His way. I don't know what's yours and what's yours, but we can certainly know our very own, when we ask God. Amen?

These words that I've just written here, and preached to myself (on my way to school) has impacted me real lot. After listening to the various downloaded sermon series recommended by Clare, I find myself speaking the same manner as they does. I like Joyce Meyers' sermon, on Trusting Attitude. Initially I thought listening to sermons would become a chore, and I wonder why Clare even asked me to do so. Oops, haha. However, after trying to listen to one sermon, I felt that I wanted to listen to another. I went to the extent that I wrote notes about the sermon I listened to, and also songs on it.

Today, I decided that in order for me to FULLY and COMPLETELY consecrate my life to Him, I should remove ALL that compromises. Let me emphasize it once again. Remove ALL that compromise. Hence, I took the painful step of this episode. I DELETED ALL my secular songs in my MP3. I wanted to SLAP myself after doing so. Whatever that feeds the flesh, shall be removed! Besides listening to Clare's advice of avoiding watching TV, I guess that isn't enough. Becoz time to time I turned to alternatives and substitutes instead of turning totally to the Savior! I guess my MP3 was the first step. I believe God will again identify to me what's next to surrender. Ouch! It's gonna be a painful process.

Who can say that they don't need God? I need Him all the time, even for a simple journey on the train to school. I need God to be my FILTER of the words the people speak on the train. I definitely have no right to go up to the two guys and ask them to SHUT UP. I kept speaking in tongues on the train and kept my focus away from the dirty conversation of those two guys. Amazingly, then came songs after songs ringing in my head. Pretty old songs we sang in IGNYTE.

In school, I accidentally blurted out to YangTheng that I banned myself from watching TV. Anyone who hears that who certainly ask why? Same on Sunday, I accidentally blurted that in front of Jasmine, who also asked why. As I was talking to Yangtheng, I realised that I'm pretty affected by the environment around me. On my way home from school, I decided to analyse why do I do so. God identified those specific situations to me.

1) How envious and angry I felt when Clare got commissioned while I did not.

2) How angry and wronged I felt when WanTze was asked to co-lead (as Pris was absent), instead of me.

I then asked God, why do I feel that way. That's the same, when I was talking to Jerry about drama role-plays therapy. What do analyse after each role-play you acted. I then realised it has to do with my insecurity. I should not have laid my security on positions, people, etc. I asked God what and why has my insecurity got to do with this? No answer. Then I asked another question, what do You want me to do about this now, just tell me God.

I waited and waited. The atmosphere on the bus just suddenly changed. I wonder if it was just felt by me alone, or also the rest of the passengers. I felt warmt, even when the air-con kept blowing at me. I'm supposed to feel cold. My ears became so alerted, and it makes me assume that God's gonna speak in an audible voice again. But, there came a vision:

I saw a stage, with only one spot light focused onto the centre of the stage. The rest of the stage looked really dark.
Then I saw a kid playing with an elephant. Playing all she could.
Then I saw this kid sleeping on the elephant.
Wake up! I felt as if there was a need to ask this kid to wake up.
And she woke up. She came down from elephant and walked towards me?
I was like, wow, this kid is very pretty and adorable. (don't punch me). I started tearing.
Then she looked down and reach to her drawing board.
She then wrote this, "LOVE", and looked up to Someone in front of her.
I can't see this Someone.
She gave the piece of drawing paper with that very word to this Someone.
Then she happily went to play with her other toys.
This Someone used His scissors and cut the drawing paper into (I don't know the exact term for this) a longer and nicer artpiece; it looks like a stretch of foldable paper with shapes in each of the paper. Which looks like this:

I then asked Him, what does all this meant. I asked and asked. Waited and waited. Then I started tearing so much till I was rather embarrassed on the bus. It was a packed bus. Then came the answer, the SIMPLE answer. It's really very simple. All I have to do is just to submit to Him, and He'll expand it into a beautiful artpiece for His glory. Lord, I submit my heart to You, that You'll bring me peace to trust You, trust Your works and Your ways. I trust that You'll not only improve, but You'll expand it, just like the wonder artpiece I saw. My simple drawing, "LOVE", You could expand it and improve it to greater measure that I can't see for now. Furthermore, as my sister learned about this vision of mine, she identified to me that the artpiece also represented the linkages of each episodes. How amazing one vision can be.

My prayer Lord, is that You let me see what You see. I see my circumstances. Many are UGLY. But I know You see differently, because You can see the FINISHED PRODUCT, while I can't as yet. Teach me how to Trust You, give me the ATTITUDE to trust You! Amen!! Thank you Lord Jesus for the Vision!

:: Recap ::

2008-11-23T17:40:00.003+08:00

Everyone needs to know this. I never knew it until Clare saw it. When I met up with Clare on Thursday evening for dinner, she asked me this, "Why are you wearing a Playboy Rabbit?". I was like, "what Rabbit? Ya ya, it's a rabbit above the love pendant". Then she emphasized that it's a Playboy Rabbit. For a moment, I thought it's just a rabbit, why does it has a name call Playboy? Then I asked, "Playboy Rabbit? What's a Playboy Rabbit?". She just stared at me!! I was like, "Eh.... Did I say something wrong?". After a few more seconds, then I said this, "Okie, you tell me about it later, when there are lesser people". After dinner, as Clare and I were walking over to her flat, she told me that there's this pornographic magazine and the logo is that rabbit. They called it playboy rabbit. I was like, "WHAT?!". Why on earth choose a rabbit for the logo?! Now I have to remove that pendant. Worst of all, I've been wearing it ALL over school for quite sometime. Oh my!! I wonder what some guys might have been thinking. Oh dear....dratz..

I went to Popular BookFest and found the foolscrap papers XiaoMing(MingJie) usually uses. Cool! So happy. Bought all 4 of them. Decided not to post the one in "red", as it's pretty non-edifying.

This is a gift YangTheng gave for my birthday. haha. She gave it a few days before 19th Oct 2008, bcoz she mistook my birthday to be in Oct than in Nov. haha!

This is from Clare. She asked me to bless my family with these biscuits. haha. Christmas in advance, but the biscuits are really nice okie!

This is a notebook Clare made for me. No one has made a notebook for me in my life! She handmade it!

In it are Bible verses and definitions. Cool! No more excuses of no time reading the Bibile. Bcoz this notebook is small enough to be stored into my NEW wallet. I can read it as and when I want. No excuses of having a heavy bag, so can't carry Bible around. haha!

A birthday Note from Clare. I'm very touched! Prophetic Word she wrote even before meeting me, "Holding His Hand". We ended up praying about it.

This is the book I went to Bras Basah for, after shopping at Suntec. I'm still not quite sure if Mark Harris was referring to this. He's so nice. Recommend books, open to consultations even when I'm his ex-student.

Birthday note from my mother. First time! haha... I saw it at 7am, when I was about to leave for school.

Birthday card made by my sis. Haha.. Nowadays we're into the notebook season..

YAY!! Pastor Peter gave me his extra guitar CAPO! haha. This morning I can't really listen clearly. When he said, "Grace come here", I heard it as "Praise be here". So I just walked out of the auditorium to the toilet area. Then Jasmine came out of the audi to tell me she heard Pastor calling me a no. of times, "Grace, come and see me". Then again, she was the same as me, she wasn't sure about it. And she joked about it, "Pastor says he want to see you! orh hor..". Then I went to peeked into the audi, trully enough, he hand-signalled me to come over, and handled me the CAPO! Yay!! haha. Which made me jumped around outside the audi for the next 10mins.

This is G# when the CAPO is in the 1st fledge.

When I told the singers about the first fledge, play A-major in G-chords on second fledge, they didn't understand. I was telling Clare the other day that I believe all who are in CM Worship should do something to learn more about music. Singers shouldn't remain as singers on weekends. They should learn more. Not just learn only during practice. When I asked some to pitch in F, they'll complain they don't know what's F. I believe to be "professional" we should always keep improving and learning. It's not as if we're VERY GOOD already. It's quite sad actually, I feel.

:: Can't Believe ::

2008-11-21T15:22:00.002+08:00

I'm now at John's house as I'm typing this entry. But I'm all alone at his place. Here to take over the place, so that he can leave the house without locking it. Oops... I just smacked an insect dead a few seconds ago, near his older piano. So brave of me. The logic is "It's either I make you dead, otherwise I suffer with you"..haha.

I'm feeling rather sleepy. But John's house is just so so entertaining. Can use his com, can play on his guitar, and also study when I feel like it. haha.

I'm so happy...P.Pete says he wants to GIVE ME his CAPO!! Yay!! I actually asked if he has an extra that I could buy from him second-hand. Then he asked who needs it. I replied, "Me". haha. Then he said, "I give you". Wah...so touched. Yay!! I've been looking high and low for a capo, bcoz of it's amazing wonders it can do. Now I no longer have to write all songs in G-major. haha. I can do it in F, C, D, E, Bb, etc. Woohoo...Amen!

My hands will create music for you!!

:: My Breakthrough Will Come ::

2008-11-20T23:42:00.002+08:00

I had dinner with Clare this evening. We initially walked towards Anchor Point from Queenstown MRT, then we decided to settle at IKEA for dinner instead. haha!! All because I can't make up my mind on what to eat, and kept suggesting cheaper outlets. We ate the famous meatballs at the Cafe at IKEA. Clare treated again. I didn't know how to reject, and this time there wasn't Rachael to help me say "don't need la", etc. Just accepted the treat. Promised her that I'll treat her BIG ONE when I finally have income.

Clare made me say "grace" for the meal. As usual, whenever someone asks me to say "grace" for the meals, I would purposely pray extra softer, that they have to strain their ears to hear my prayer. Wahaha!! As we chatted over the meals, I just let out my inner feelings about why I feel so upset having not yet commissioned as a SP. I feel that I need to release this, so that I need not be angry about it anymore. It has been 4 years, so get it done. Anger causes tiredness. Don't you agree? My mindset was very corporate. Especially one who has done Human Resource Management, and done well for the subject. I guess I cannot exactly apply everything I learnt into reality. That's sad I know. That's why some would say that the subject is crapped!! Actually I learnt from her that she does have similar struggles with regards to that too. Then she learnt to accept it, as the culture is different from that at USA.

Actually I didn't know what I really possess till I articulate them. I shared with Clare that what I usually did when I was still in IGNYTE. Bcoz I was given the role to lead Glorify in cell, and I totally had no experience in leading worship. What did I do then? I went to attend adult services. I attend them only for the first and the last 15minutes. Why? I went in, sat down (while everyone else stood up to worship), and took notes of how the different WLs led worship. Whenever I tell this to anyone, they would often be so shocked...why? Is that very extreme? The first 15minutes was to tell how the WL lead the people (from sleepy mode, or blur, or angry mode) into worship. The last 15minutes was to know how to lead worship for the altar call, so as to learn how to bring people from the sermon into practice or into engaging with the Word. Bcoz P.Poh sometimes would make me lead after Grow, so I've gotta be very alert on the type of songs I choose especially after Grow (bcoz it's usually impromptu and on the spot). I learnt alot from there. Actually till now, I'm still observing different ones whenever they are leading. I see the different struggles and see how P.Pete resolves them. I observe the band dynamics and spiritual realm a WL leads the people into engagement. I know how a simple melody on the E-Guit could bring people closer and to a more intensive level. I also know that we need the Bass alot to carry the atmosphere. Waikay!! It's very important okie!!! I also know that the piano is important to initiate a new song or a new arrangement or a new atmosphere setting. That's why sometimes ppl say I look very distracted during morning EQs, especially during the mike-test. Bcoz big time I was observing the musicians, the co-leaders and the WL.

Actually today. I don't know why. I began to share with Clare my deepest struggles. I guess I was just desperate, and need further advice/help. Again, "Come to the Father!". Since I know the root of the issue, is Love, I can then deal with it objectively. She was really serious when I shared with her. I was then abit afraid, like eh..should I have not share with her?

Then we went to a staircase at some void deck and started praying there. I can't believe I did this. Never done this in my life. To speak in tongues, declare, consecrate, cry, etc at a staircase. It appeared like a mini-altar call at the alley. I will remember the question, "What do you want to do for God?", and "Do you want to soul-out for Him?". I felt so tiny for a sudden. I tell you when Clare gets serious, it's really no joke.

Okie, I really have to ask myself. Yes, if this is what I want, then Grace, you have to be serious about it. Like what Ellen has said, that there's no turning back after it. Okie! Grace, overcome this, and the rest of your life, left only to glorify Him! Stressed...I was really stressed. But, I have decided. No more turninng back. Okie, agreed. Then we prayed. Declared, "My hands will only do things that pleases you, make music for Your Name, create wealth when there isn't any, worship You". I could suddenly see the many other things I could do. I'm excited. I don't know why.

She and I prayed and spoke into my life, breaking the strings of attachment to the issue. Instead of daydreaming of the "perfect guy", etc, I should now visualise that God is always there with me. I will remember to let Him hold my hands, to dance with Him, just enjoy being with Him. The media is a graveyard to many sins. It often portrays a wonderful image and prospect of love, family, friends. So much so that when it doesn't happen in reality, we get disappointed. We would often day-dream of the "role model" we see on TV. When we get hooked onto the drama, that's worst. The day-dreaming gets heavy to shake off. Then we'll realise we've gone away from the reality into a virtual self-made reality (a.k.a. La-La Land).

That's why most of the time my friends identify to me that I looked very "lost" and "distracted". Because the self-made reality has become a reality itself. I would then find difficulties relating to reality. Clare then nagged at me to NOT WATCH TV anymore. Oh no.... Watch News can ah? Even cartoons themselves do have such "unrealistic" myths. If it's my downfall, it's better to turn away. More time to spend on my books isn't it? First Class honors nearer to my door-step. Woohoo... I'm excited again. But I'm rather worried that it would die down.

Her one tip she gave, to my amaze, was whenever I felt like I'm going to fall into the same trap, "Lift up my hands to worship Him". Amen!! *hint*

The qualities I have been looking for!!!!!!

2008-11-19T19:59:00.002+08:00

This character, BuQun, acted by Elvin Ng has portrayed all the qualities I wanted to look for in a husband-to-be! I've finally found a "representative" of a man I would give my heart to. But..he's just acting. Who on earth has these qualities?

The qualities: act-smart aleck, occasionally impulsive, always taking the 1st move, and will never give up till you become his.

Studying for tests on my Birthday!

2008-11-18T19:50:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow's my birthday. But I'm not going anywhere. I've lessons in the morning, and would head home for my books after it. What is this?

I really wish sometimes that my home has a punching bag! So that I need not show tantrums onto any other things or anyone else; because it incurs high expenditure for damaging goods, and incurs medical fees for injuring others. haha. I want a punching bag that I could assert my frustrations, stress, anger at it. Anyway, a punching bag wouldn't have any feelings. I'm therefore not afraid to ruin its life. haha!!

Thankfully I can meet Clare on Thursday evening, after ALL those tests. Argh.. Yay! So happy to meet Clare again. The intellectual kind soul. Haha.. a.k.a. Eelyn Kok's resemblance.

I miss Cineleisure.. I miss going out carefree on my birthday. But I can't since after 2003. Because that year, just one day after my birthday, my maternal grandma passed away. Therefore, 20th Nov will forever be a memorial day. So I can't afford to be so happy the day before. I always end up feeling gloomy towards my birthday.

Birthday Celebration - Charrisa, Rachael, MinMin, Leroy

2008-11-16T21:06:00.006+08:00

Birthday celebration (in advance), on the 15th Nov 2008 (Sat) evening.

I'm very grateful to all of them: my sister Charrisa, Rachael, MinMin, Leroy. They who had put up a wonderful celebration, from the presents to the treat.

Really hoped they didn't splurge alot, becoz none of them are working with an income, besides Leroy..haha.

My pictures aren't in order...so messy.

These are the gifts from the cell. Wallet from St.Louis. I never expect that. No wonder my sister keep telling me not to buy any wallet until after my birthday. Say what sales at Taka can use the voucher, etc... Alamak...she went to tell Rachael that I want a wallet....make me feel so bad now. But thankful that they bought me a long wallet. So that I don't need to fold my NOTES anymore, and a better zip so that my coins won't fall off now. My button from the previous wallet really almost tore off. Now I got SO MANY COMPARTMENTS to put my stuff. I've a wallet FULL of NAME CARDS. My connections are WIDE.

Oops..this pic can see half of Cecilia's photo. haha..

They also bought me titbits!! haha.... And a stress-ball. Very good for me ah.. Now I need not inflict on anywhere else, but the ball.

Here's a pic of us: Leroy, me, Rachael and MinMin (hiding behind)

My sister and I!!! Someone dear to me...

My sister....haha....always wanting to pose for MORE pics..

The 4 musketeers again.....

Very blur pic..so let me narrate: my sister and I.

Some pics of the environment around PS.

My sister...again posing for pics.

Haha...I feel so bad about this. This time they've to do the calculations by themselves, without excel spreadsheet. Actually Excel Spreadsheet makes me very dependent on them, and hence I "can't calculate" without the spreadsheet.

Here's the dinner at Aston's Restaurant. Cool..you must check out this place. The ambience is deceiving. But the prices are affordable yet the food is high in quality!!! This is what I call... TQM=Total Quality Management (Chp7 of Management Accounting).

Leroy's mini-computer game.

I like the Card alot!!!! Rachael's trademark...

How I Spent Today

2008-11-12T19:33:00.003+08:00

To semi-reward my sister for completing her Os, we went Takashimaya after her checkup.

We were at SGH doing some checkups. Here's some pics to entertain myself while I was there with my sister.

My favourite VICO drink is there in the vending machine at the hospital.

The Mark Of My Love

2008-11-12T19:24:00.001+08:00

The mark of my love....my wounds.....

The nightmare..is here again...

2008-11-11T13:31:00.002+08:00

God!! I want an END to this episode ever!!!!! If it just happens to me, I'm still pretty fine. But please don't let anything happen to the ones dearest around me. My sister don't deserve to be treated this way.

Why?! I definitely do not want to call the police. I do not wanna see you being handcuffed away by the police. Don't push me to the corner!!!!! Today, maybe not. Next time, I never will know. If you wanna kill somebody, let the person be me and no one else.

It felt as if we were prey escaping for a predator. Why have you become like that every now and then? I had to lock my sis and myself in the Study so that you will not bring further harm. My hand hurts even as I'm typing now. Does inflicting pain derive a certain amount of joy from you? And this joy I can never understand.

I'm sorry, I can't continue your joy. I don't feel any thrill or happiness when you whack the broom at me. The scaling from the hot water doesn't bring a smile to my face. Why can't I feel the same as you? Maybe you should try something else. No one can play this game with you. You'll only be left lonely.

2008-11-10T11:13:00.001+08:00

I've had enough!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY!!!!!!?????????

A dagger towards my heart.

My heart bleeds...

Why is it they get it and not me??????!!!!!!!!!!

SCREAM

2008-11-10T10:46:00.002+08:00

A child who wants to move out of the ("damaging") decisions the older folks always make for him.

The making of this scene:

An Diamond Hidden By The Jealous

2008-11-09T19:51:00.003+08:00

I don't feel respected at all!!! It's entirely UNFAIR. I went through painstakingly the courses and the interviews. Why do they hate me so much???!!!! What have I done??? Why am I not chosen!!!!!!!!!!

Why was it so easy for Clare? No interview, no class. Nothing! But just the favor of "man", she was selected. Is that biasedness!!!!!!!!!

I always feel very hurt whenever I hear about such meetings, and worst still....ironically how some could attend even without any status quo. Worst of all, then become accepted with no reason!!!!!!

Must age always be a factor in all situations? I hate being the youngest group of people. I'm not respected. I'm like a diamond that people don't appreciate, and people hid me from the rest. Do they hate me? Or are they jealous?

Who is it worthy of determining whether one is ready?

Nothing's Working Right, WHY?!

2008-11-07T23:54:00.003+08:00

This was the analogy I derived about my relationship with God. I never fail to piece them into my arty scrapbook.

I can't remember if I had this dream before/after PL was created. But when I drew it out, I could just identify it to be PL.

WHY!? I hate it whenever things just don't go right. I always end up thinking that nobody supports and appreciate whatever I do, and are always out there to await/plan for my downfall. I become awaken in sweats of my insecurity.

God. Why has she sensed it? No one else sensed it, or saw through me? Except, her? Or have you chosen her to speak those words into my life? Pastor Bea, she knows who she can joked at and who she can't. She knows what level of reprimanding one can take. This evening. She spoke directly at me, to identify something to me.

She said, "Grace. God loves you so much, and I know that because the Bible says so". Why does she has to say that? The next question, why when she say that, tears just wet my eyes? I have yet to embrace this truth. I have not let go of my insecurities, that holds as a barrier to Him to love me completely.

However, it didn't work. I continued singing the same song. However, she then said something again. "Grace, you got to sing and release the truth about the song". She said this while everyone else continued singing. The more she said, I couldn't continue looking at her. I've to held my head down, to prevent her from looking at my eyes full of tears. Eventually, she prayed aloud into my life. We were still singing the song, "What He's Done For Me". I couldn't sing any longer. I bite my lips to hold my tears, before an outburst occurs. And I couldn't remember what she said and prayed during those moments. Sigh. I should have just listened fully and cry if I needed to. Holding it inside isn't very healthy, because it revolutes a disastrous outbreak when it's finally released.

Really a dancer or am I just dreaming?

I drew this after I got rejected from the dance audition. And my sister edited the picture by drawing those "lines" to cancel the word "can't" into "can", and she removed those inverted commas I placed around the word "dance".

I was sharing with WanTze on the bus home, that I've actually not recovered from the "trauma" and the "demoralising effects" from the production of......The Father's Love. It's a "dagger-piercing" moment which I can never forget. WanTze said I should learn to forgive myself for mistakes I made in the past. I will never forget how disastrous the choir movements were. I never forget how it feels to be rejected from a dance audition (which makes me wanna PROVE EVERYONE WRONG after this rejection). It was just like what the "Phantom" did in the Phantom of the opera; he masked himself and sang greatly. It's been very tough and painful to prove everyone wrong.

Zac Efron's songs never fail to explain myself:

SCREAM

The day the door is closed,
The echo fills your soul.
They won't say which way to go,
Just trust your heart.
To find what you're here for,
Open another door.
I'm not sure anymore.
It's just so hard.

The voices in my head,
Tell me they know best!
Got me on the edge, they're pushin', pushin', they're pushin'
I know they got a plan,
While the balls in my hands!
This time its man-to-man,
I'm droppin', fightin', its time too.
Whole worlds upside down,
What do I do now?
Cause I choke!

Chorus:
I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing.
So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused!
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream.
So bad I'm gonna Scream!

I'm kickin' down the walls.
I gotta make 'em fall!
Just break through them all!
I'm pushin', crashin',
I'm gonna
Fight to find myself,
Me and no one else!
Which way I get down, pushin',
Searchin', can't find a
Road that I should take, I should, tomorrow left us!
Like nothing works without you

Chorus:
I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing.
So bad I'm gonna Scream!

I can't choose, so confused!
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream.
So bad I'm gonna Scream!

Bridge:
Yeah we're cooks, running down, hear the crowd gettin' loud!
I'm consumed by the sound!Is it hurt?
Is it love?
Has it ever been enough?
Gotta work it out, gotta work it out!
You can do it, you can do it!

Chorus:
I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing.
So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused!
What's it all mean? I want my own dream.
So bad I'm gonna Scream!

Ohh! Ahh!!!!

NOW OR NEVER

In this song, the best part of the lyrics are these:

Come on!
The way we play tonight
is what we leave behind! (That’s right)
It all comes down to right now it’s up to us! (Let’s go!)
So what we’re gonna be?
This is the last time to get it right!
This is the last chance to make it or not!
We gotta showwhat we’re all about (TEAM) Work together!
This is the last chance to make your mark
History will know who we are
This is the last game
So make it count
It’s Now or Never!

Pictures, They speak a Million phrases than how Man expresses..

2008-11-05T19:50:00.003+08:00

My sister and many of my classmates love to put stuff into my hoods. Here's "Carrie" the orange care bear...

This is Rachael at Vivocity, with our Korean portrait.

Here's ME!! haha. Who will be the one on my right?? Is that why they call "Mr.Right"?

I've finally got a Jump-and-land-in-the-air snap shot!! Though my face can't really be seen.

My sister's birthday, yesterday. I was honored to be able to give a treat to my family at the Jap restaurant, even as my dad insisted he would pay.

Laughing before the camera.....looks kinda overly-smiley...

Here are the 2 leng loi.....

2008-11-04T10:15:00.003+08:00

I don't know. There's just something about this. I somehow just dislike centre-practice. I feel it's as though we are going through some separation into the Northern Korean and Southern Korean 36th parameters. I hate it!! I don't know why I dislike my own centre. And I always feel that everyone else during centre-practice becomes very "nua", and no-life!! I'll always end up dragging my feet, purposely report late, etc.

That's the rusty side of me..

:: Let the Steam be blown away ::

2008-11-02T18:41:00.002+08:00

Lord, I'm really REALLY very ANGRY with someone!! The most dangerous person towards you is always the one closest to you. I hate the hurtful remarks you wrote on my tables, when you cut up my photos into a shape of a "tomb", when you throw curses and non-edifying statements on me. Why?? I AM NOT WHAT YOU DESCRIBE TO BE. I'll never let that become of me.

Every morning I've to REINFORCE in front of the mirror, of who I am in Christ. Becoz throughout the every day, these truths are ALWAYS shattered and faded away by your actions and words!! It sometimes looked stupid to have to remind myself in front of the mirror that:

1. Grace, you are pretty! Becoz you're fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of Christ!
2. Grace, you have the power and the authority of Christ in you, so use it!!
3. Grace, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!
4. Grace, you can move mountains!!
5. Grace, you are an interceder, well-loved and appreciated!! Your deeds are known in Heaven, even if those on earth doesn't believe in them.
6. Grace, you have the annointing of God over your life.
7. Grace, you're a STRONG warrior; you need not rely on anyone in times of stormy seasons.
8. Grace, in the love of God, there's no fear!
9. Grace, you're more than a conqueror!!

WanTze saw me declaring it at 2nd level toilet beside LT2 this morning. Whenever I start declaring it, something stirs up within me, and I often ended up with tears in my eyes. I don't know if anyone has ever told me that I looked "fierce" whenever I worship in declarative songs. When you confront a tiger, you confront it fiercely and not gently!!

God. I also need your help to work in the area of Pride & Jealously. I know it's pretty human to be in that situation; "Why is this person chosen and why not me?". "Why is this person being praised, and my works aren't". "Are mine any worst-off when compared to the person?". But my question is how do I handle them whenever I encounter it. Bcoz there can be no one who will ALWAYS give you the recognition you wanted, or the acceptance you need. Remove those feelings of mine, and teach me how to REACT whenever situations like this happen again.

There's ALOT to prepare, Lord. In order I can become a TL(Transformational leader). I remember Prince Caspian saying this to Aslan, "But..I'm not ready", and Aslan replied, "That's when you're ready!". This could only mean that I rely entirely on You, Lord. Nothing's gonna work for me. There's no strategising, it's only gonna be You and You alone!

Here's video by ABBA, Super Trooper. The song we used to do our grooves on Friday's singers empowerment. I finally found this song.. Oh..it's by the same group who sang "Dancing Queen". Think it's Waikay's favorite again... Nevermind, I won't mention this song in front of him, just in case...he starts singing.....oh no no no...that shall not happen....

:: Where's God? ::

2008-10-27T22:36:00.002+08:00

God, the Almighty God. I need you, need you completely. After watching the scenes of the drama, I can't understand why, why are we fearful even when we know that You are the Almighty God?

God, I want to ask, and I long to ask. Why are there differences in the deaths of different ones? I don't understand why some passed on peacefully, wheras, some had very tragedic endings. As I've realised, that some of these tragedies didn't exist only now. In the B.C.(s), it actually happened too. Why are there such people? Ans: They are not themselves anymore, they are taken control by the spirit of evil. How did that happen? Ans: Their weaknesses.

As I was washing the dishes, and pondering, a voice came to my mind and said this: "If you fear that, you would just have to become one so in order not to fear of the one". WHAT? This is definitely not from God!! I don't have to become one of these predators to overcome fear, or to overcome the consequences.

Then I asked myself these, "Can a murderer be murdered?". Obvious answer, yes. Then what's the point? Even if I do it, I still stand the risk of being a victim. What's the point??

Stop being so silly!!!!!!!!!!

Filled to the Neck!!

2008-10-24T14:57:00.000+08:00

I'm filled up with so much stuff to the neck......

Only You

2008-10-13T17:40:00.003+08:00

This is a video I've done for my song. Decided not to put it into MP3, because WAV format always gives me trouble. Sigh..

Here I am blogging in school, after a long long while. Can't believe I'm school at this hour. Because I can't stay at home. Sigh...

The dream's just too real. Lord Jesus, I don't want anything to happen to my family. In the name of Jesus, I declare no weapons formed against You shall prosper. I declare that nothing the enemy can do to my family, because God, You are Sovereign over them. I proclaim only Harmony and Prosperity into the family. Amen!!

I don't care what's of the past. The church or the leaders. Nothing would divide the family. You have placed me in God, in Creative Ministry, because You want me to glorify Your name; create works for You, a legacy for You, and to be a living testimony to the people around. Definitely, many have already seen, and yet to see. They are in awe of You. Therefore, nothing that comes as obstacles would prevail as an "obstacle". They'll just be weeps to be pulled out by You. Amen!!

:: The Pain Of Truth ::

2008-10-09T17:11:00.002+08:00

High Risk = High Return

What about:

High Expectation = ?

What can be derived from having a high expectation?

High Expectation = High Return?

High Expectation = High Disappointment? (I REJECT THIS IN THE NAME OF JESUS!)

What do you expect in return when you expect too much in someone, an organization, etc?

I've been pretty low in spirits these days. And don't feel like talking or speaking. The more I kept it inside, the deeper the pain goes in the heart. I know all of them, all of these wouldn't satisfy me. My friends, I know not who are genuine. It's perhaps we're at the age of competitive edge, and this is a atlantic destruction to friendship and many relationships. Being able to participate in class and understand everything is my new achievement. However, it has made me rather tired. Suddenly I find myself isolating myself from friends (during breaks, etc), as I'm just too tired to socialize. Bcoz I don't know who is true. I get scared of friendships. Partly it's also becoz I don't want to be around when someone else I don't quite know and don't-wish-to-get-to-know is around.

Sandie had a song which goes "Where is God in all of these? Why has He forgotten me? Where is God in all of these? Oh, when will I, when will I, find my love?". And it is replied, "Jesus who cares, Who's always there for me, to be a Light in the dark, guiding my way. Who lift me up, give me strength to carry on. Shining Your love into my life, now I have realised."

Until now, I've only found ONE answer, and I've not found another:

High Expectation FROM GOD = High Return FROM GOD

During my low spirits, I always end up writing songs. Till I've got too many melodies on hand, which makes me pretty confused at times, as to how am I supposed to consolidate all of these?

The recent song was written after speaking to Nicky and Ellen about an issue I tried running away, fighting against it, then running away again, and then fighting again for a long period of time. Till I recently brought up the issue so LET'S FACE IT!!

Now I Can Declare That You Are God

Thinking of You

The longing of my heart

Em D

To see You enter with open arms

When I'm thinking of You

D Em

Yes, You're the Only One

C D

Surpass, beyond far measure

Thinking of You

My heart yearns

Em D

For it's You, who, can really satisfy

C D Em

And it's You, the Savior, my King and my Joy

C D

And I'm here, to await Your coming (for You to come)

Chorus: (can't figure out the chords)

Only You

The One, nothing compares to You

Desires, materials and fame we get/bear

They are not-thing more than e-ver You-can-bring

They would all turn to ashes as-the-earth fades away

More than life

You hold depths within (within~)

My heart, no one even yet to win (no one else~3, else~3)

Than the way, Your countenance shines on me (silence)

I can only proclaim that You are God

(end on G)

:: A Matter of Perspective? ::

2008-09-30T21:27:00.002+08:00

"YOU ARE SUCH AN XXXXXXXXXXXX!!!"

Is the above a compliment or an insult?

It's all a matter of perspective. What is "perspective"? Does perspective means what do you understand about something or what is the general gist of something? What is perspective?

"Don't take things seriously"

"Don't take things lightly"

Which one of the above has a heavier weightage?

When someone gives you a bad remark, you're often told, "Don't take things seriously". When someone tells you a serious matter, you'd be told off, "Don't take things lightly".

Which is more important? It's a matter of situation you're in. Is there a universal solution? I'm afraid not. What is more important, the answer is often left to uncertainty.

When someone gives me a compliment, while another shoots me an insult of the same "issue", which do you choose? Humanity at large would often choose the former, to avoid the infliction of pain from the latter. However, some would choose to believe only in the latter as they never believed in the former. Which will I choose?

Case Study:

A says G> (R and M)

N says (R and M)> G

The question is whether A or N has more credibility for giving the statements? The next question would be what does credibility mean to you? Is it in terms of age, maturity, experience, background? Does it lies with the matter of perspective again? Then what is perspective again..

:: I Finally Understood ::

2008-09-28T20:19:00.002+08:00

These few days have been an opportunity for me to search for answers, and to explore & understand me better. I finally see the correlation of my seekings to my actions. I'm actually appalled.

God gave me 24hours a day. Taking away 8hours of sleep, I'm left with 16hours. I'm amazed how did I spend the 16hours seeking after these: love, attention, acceptance, compassion, recognition. Initially, I didn't take notice of myself doing so, as these actions are really subtle. Only was I more alerted the past few days, and I caught myself doing that. Very often, I seek wrongly.

Life's sometimes like a "Multiple-Choice" analogy. There's only ONE correct answer from the 4 options. Most of the time, I pick the other 3 options, which only gives me a "temporal feel-good" and not the eternal goodness that God can supply.

Hence I realised that the HIGHEST INSUFFICIENCY one can experience is to be LACK OF LOVE. Not money, not car, not riches. It's the lack of Love. Understand this. That is why there's always the unsatisfied feeling within me, after every service, after every practice, after cell. Because, I've not FULLY focused on the Correct source. The concentration on the Correct Source was not 100%, hence I always have the urge of wanting more..but back then I didn't realise what was it I wanted. The urge was there without an understanding. Hence, often to satisfy the urge, the other 3 options are utilised..to the point that Emptiness eats in and is destroying.

I finally gave up battling it on my own. I thank God for Nicky and Ellen. I could see things better now. Although I've asking why didn't I see that earlier? I guess it's not too late. Never. I guess I'm just in the season of understanding myself; the age range of 18-35. Hence I'm now able to rationalise my actions.

When I laid my head to rest last night, again I caught myself longing for someone to call me, etc. Then I stopped and unknowingly I just ended up weeping. I don't know why. The only thing I can think of was to ask God. I cried "Jesus, I need You. This I don't understand. But I know You do. Come and satisfy me". I hope my eyes were too red the next morning. I think I never weep like that before.

Being involved in the Ministry-Parade was something I felt I could be proud of, being representives of CM and more importantly, showing others how God can use lives (even if we're just an ikan bilis in the ministry) to bless the rest. Even before this morning's parade, as I was behind the curtains worshipping before P.Bea's cue, I just ended up on my knees. I worshipped and yearn for Him. I was pretty worried that the congregation later would notice my puffy eyes. MinMin, who stood on my right, ended up on her knees too. I hope that wasn't inspired by me, unless there's a need to. Kneeling is a humanity humility to come before the Lord in total surrender and reverence. It's a painful event, but it just draws me closer to the King. Amen!!

:: New Truths ::

2008-09-24T23:32:00.002+08:00

I actually know what I want. However, often I do not know how to achieve what I want. I wanted to be loved; but there are just too many substitutes of it, and after going through the "hits-and-bangs" I can only admit that I can only achieve it from God. The Love that would satisfy me isn't in a marriage, isn't in a relationship, isn't in an elder sister to younger sister relationship either. I can only admit that it is only the love from God.

I want to be successful. However, travelling to shenton way, with ur best office wear & make-up, and staring at the rats of people rushing around isn't a step to success. Getting a First Class Honors does NOT guarantee a successful career, because people are talking more about soft EQ skills more than paper qualifications at work. Being a graduate from Harvard University speaks nothing until I get to meet you face to face.

Clare then asked for the second time, "How do you define success?". I replied, "This question you had already asked", and she replied, "Which I don't remember you answering". Ooops.. That's because I still have no idea how would I really want to define it. Then she said, "you could be swayed with alot of difficult pressures if you don't define it, yet you're chasing for it". Grace!!!!!!!! What are you doing?

The more important question. Am I defining success attributing it to satisfaction? Does what that satisfies me makes me successful? I would feel very satisfied to have a First-Class honors walking down the aisle of the Graduation Convocation to receive my award, but does that makes me successful? Hmm... Then my satisfaction shouldn't be aligned to that. It should not so in the first place, for satisfaction should come from God. Me secure in Him.

It's good to know what you want, but align them to God. And ask yourself how are you going to use Godly kingdom values to do so. It's good to recognise them. It's good to realise that I'm in this age range that allows me to think so much of what I want, which often confuses. Hence it allows me to work towards what I want, and be ahead of others. -Clare.

I was in search of LOVE the whole time these months. And it was WRONG PATH(S) all along. I then realised that I have not understood enough.

John analysed the verses for me, 1 John 4:16-21. If I find it hard to love someone, it means that I've not love God enough. It also means that I've not allowed God to love me enough. If I allow God to love me, He will love me deeply and so much that I'll have too much and had to give away to the people around me. Hence, loving the people around me will NOT then be a problem, but it becomes natural.

I didn't know I've not let God loved me, that's why I've not loved Him enough. That's why I feel so hard to love the unloveable. All the while I've been only loving the lovable, those who are nice. Hence we these becomes absent, I'm shattered and love changes to hate, and I no longer know how to love them. I don't love because I understand the person. I love because I love God, where His love will flow from me. Love will then exist from within; living in love.

:: Successful Men Whom I Know ::

2008-09-23T21:44:00.002+08:00

4 Successful men whom I know:

1. Pastor Peter - Chief Worship leader, Over-seeing pastor of Creative Ministry

2. James Kwan - Financial Reporting & Management Accounting lecturer in SIM, ACCA lecturer in S'pore Academy of Accountancy

3. Chef Sam - Malaysian Chef Celebrity

4. Kheng Chye (KC Yeo) - Chief Financial Officer/Financial Controller of ADM Cocoa

I felt that they've something in common which I can't find a word to express. But when Clare asked me how do I define "success", I don't know how to answer. However, this time it isn't about the credentials that I was referring to from those mentioned above.

There's just some kind of countenance that can't be found on papers that I can only sense when I speak to them. It's the way they speak & carry themselves, the way they make decisions, they way they handle knotty situations, the way they relate to people, etc. I can't explain. You can name it "leadership", but I don't think that it's only about leadership, it's something greater. Perhaps it's that countenance that comes along with the heart of passion for what they're doing.

:: Never Ever Give Up ::

2008-09-18T22:59:00.006+08:00

He showed this picture AGAIN, at his first lecture. This term it's Management Accounting (MA).

I'm so touched that James Kwan remembers us!! The YYG clan, haha.. Yanru, YangTheng & Grace(me). haha..named after the title "Yeo Yao Gui" which means hungry-ghosts. haha. Because we are always after food, especially during breaks after the first part of the lectures.

James was very concerned about his students' grades. He asked if we passed FR. We were glad we could at least say "Yes", even though I didn't do as well as I thought I could. Didn't get an "A" at all. I asked James if this time we need to do more reading then practising for MA, which is a different subject from FR, where the latter does alot of computations. MA is very theoretical and practical. I'm glad I did MA after my internship. I could relate many aspects (or all aspects) of my working experience to the subject. I get to see the bigger picture at different angles.

I wanted to ask about how else to score for the subject. Besides reading, what should I do with the knowledge from the readings? What should I do next? In the midst of asking, I revealed that I was the one, whom he said "The first one who approached him even BEFORE the term begins". Then I was distracted when he began to praise me again. Didn't get to continue my question. Next lesson I would ask him during break, if not after lesson. Hope I don't start to tear again. Control... I need to be strong. Why did I even email him before the term begins? I was so desperate for this final year. I'm desperate to do well.

James Kwan asked me the same question he asked last year on his first lecture of FR, "Are you alright?". Because I looked so STRESSED. He asked if the articles he forwarded me via email has made me read till I'm quite blur already. haha..

I'm so thankful to God. His favor I can't explain. I kept praying during my ISORG lecture, because I anticipate myself approaching Mark Harris (my microeconomics lecturer last term). All I wanted was whether I could still approach him to clarify some doubts during the year, because I'm redoing the unit on a self-study basis; which means I don't get to go for lessons, but self-study and take the exam at the end of the term. However, the news was that he still lets me attend his lectures. When I approached Mark Harris..I didn't know how to spill the news to him. Luckily there was YangTheng with me. So I just said "She cleared the paper, but I didn't". Then he dramatised his emotions, putting his hand on his forehead and said "ah...". It was to make me less depress. He then asked this (which I don't expect), "When you came out of the exam, do you feel like YES I'VE GOT 80 MARKS?", I could only reply that I felt that I should pass at 34marks and not alot more than that mark. He then said that that isn't a good sign, because the papers are marked in the 40s. I don't really understand what he meant by that. Anyway, he then asked me to appeal to UOL to do a re-tabulation of the paper, as there maybe an error in the calculation of the results. And it costs 50pounds to do so. That's S$129 at least. Because there was another student, JunLi, who's really GOOD at economics. The alarming matter was that he only scored 29marks. JunLi also mentioned that he wrote the wrong question numbers on the front cover for the markers to tabulate his marks. Hence, for his case, maybe a retabulation can give him a higher chance of getting an A or B. He did his appealing,and maybe that's why Mark Harris also suggested that to me. After many hours of consideration (cost & benefit analysis, etc), I've came to a conclusion to not appeal but to retake the paper, because I don't want just 34 marks. I want a 60 at least, if not a 70. I did pretty well for intro to economics, hence I don't think I'll do so bad for micro economics, with a second chance. At least there's someone to guide me along from the start. I only approach him when the exams are nearing.

I'm so glad that this year, I'm more pro-active and able to relate to the lecturers. Hence, I wouldn't feel so pressurized or afraid to approach them when I'm in the darkness of all doubts (only academic-related). The lecturers are all actually approachable. Just that I didn't have such courage previously. Working has make me open-up alot. Cecilia always say "Don't be shy to ask. If you ask you'll might or might not get it. If you don't ask, you'll definitely get nothing". Amen!! Ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be open; as the Word says.

:: Loved These Two Songs ::

2008-09-18T22:59:00.002+08:00

:: New Beginnings ::

2008-09-15T23:41:00.003+08:00

Just to clarify. The previous post was a re-enactment of a dream of mine, one fine night. I really dreamt of that, and it felt incredibly real. haha.

I'll be starting lessons tomorrow. Haha. Just met up with some of my colleagues for a session at the gym again, this evening. They're in the same situation. They've got GST training under Ernests & Youngs for the whole of tomorrow, from 9am, at City Hall. Haha. One of them said, "haiz...so sian, to have training again". haha!! Aiyo.. I'd be more than happy to be sent by any company for training, especially when they paid for the training. What's more? This training would be done by EY, and not any normal or less important kinda training. Isn't it a priviledge?

ADM is cool, to send employees for trainings, and it gives everyone a chance to go for it. Even when I was just an intern, I get to experience the Excel Training given by the IT manager, registered by Cecilia. haha!!

At the gym this evening, there's this guy, who resembles someone I don't want to mention here. He appear arrogant to me. Hmm..all the more I was to him then. I went to the extent of teasing him, whom I do not know. haha!! Guess that's what happen when you're in a group of more than the other, regardless of gender. haha!!

Perhaps he's not bad looking. Perhaps bcoz I heard of this saying, "As a lady, you've to act independent of the one you love. Those who would always hang around him are plenty, whereby most of the case, he doesn't fancy any of those. The one he would fancy would be one whom he finds it challenging to get her attention on him. Play hard to get, that's the key. Act tough."

How true is that? Or is that the girls-ego mentalilty? I need an answer. Sigh..can the media stop transmitting wrong info for goodness sake!!

I'm starting my first lesson, on Audit & Assurance, by Chu Mui Kim, from KPMG. Wah... Praying for understanding for this unit especially. There's a Need to and I want to score well!! I'm glad I've chosen INternship despite of its low pays. It's helping me understand more, because seeing is believing. I need to believe in what I study, otherwise, it's the same as eating something I don't enjoy or appreciate.

Amen!!

:: The Lost Engagement ::

2008-09-13T21:48:00.002+08:00

Re-enactment:

13th Sept 2008 (Sat)

I met him a year ago in BeiJing, when I was there for short holiday. It was my first ever holiday, where I was there alone. As I was exploring the city, there I met this guy. We became real good friends, and as time goes by, we became more than friends. It was a rare chance I could find a great guy, who's Singaporean in BeiJing. However, the time came where he told me that his parents have decided to stay in BeiJing permanently, for their business. And because he's the only son, his parents would want him to take over the business as soon as they felt he's ready. But, I had to be back in Singapore. I can't decide to migrate there for good at that moment, as my parent wouldn't agree. I was left with two days before my holiday trip should end. My mind was in a whirl. Should I let him go, since I might not get to see him after I leave, and hence maybe this should be ended as early as possible to do good for the both of us. On the last day of my trip, we met up at the overhead bridge. Before I could spill the beans, he said "I know what you're about to do. But I wouldn't allow that". I explained that we can't continue for we knew that there's no future to this. We should stop. "We've come thus far, and it wasn't easy that I found you. I'm not gonna let you go", he said. "But, your business needs you. Your family needs someone to takeover the business. And I can't stay here with you. There's nothing we can do. Lets just part here", I replied. "Are you giving up too fast? Is there nothing else you can believe?", he asked. "I don't want to run into another cycle of failure. I wouldn't know how long will it take for me to recover. Lets just minimise agony, by parting. I'm leaving this afternoon. Good bye", I replied. "Grace! I'm not gonna let this happen! I know I can't leave now as yet. But I'm gonna make a bet with you. If we were to meet again, anywhere, as far as the earth could be, you've to make this promise; to marry me", he said. "You're out of your mind. I don't even know when will we ever meet again. Or will we ever meet? You shouldn't be brought down to stay a bachelor for my sake. Because we might never meet ever", I replied. "That's not the issue as for now. I want your reply. Say that you promise me", he asked. Both of us were in tears. As I gritted my teeth, I turned to reply him, "I promise". Immediately, he held me and rushed to the nearest jewellery outlet, and he bought rings. He said, "This symbolises my love for you. If we meet again, which I know we definitely will, these rings would be our identity".

One year passed. I don't know if I should just forget what has happened in BeiJing. One year has passed, and I'm now into my final year of study, and will soon graduate and enter the workforce. Has he forgotten about the engagement? Or should I forget? Was I too impulsed when I made my promise, that I now can't break. Will he come? Will we even meet?

This morning, it was my god-sister's wedding, and I was her bridesmaid. My heart was just not there, to witness someone's wedding which isn't my wedding. There was a strong yearning for him this very day, and I couldn't explain why. It must be the wedding, I thought. I felt so sorry for my god-sister, who noticed me, and had to console me on her wedding.

When it was time for god-sis to parade down the aisle to her husband-to-be, there was a halt. Then came a familiar song, which was in cantonese, however it was sang by a male; because the original singer is Zhen Xiu Wen. The guy's voice just seemed to sound so familiar. Everyone were startled and kept looking around. When he finally appear, I felt as if the lights would have blinded me. It was...him!! Tears started to stream down my cheeks. I couldn't believe it. Questions came into my mind. Had he left his business for me? What about his parents? As he was finally in front of me, I couldn't help but went up to embrace him. Before I could ask him of all the bugging questions, he said "These are not important for now. Do you remember your promise?". My tears were still running, and I finally took courage to give him a nod of acknowledgemenet. Everyone cheered. The next moment, my god-sis and I were exchanging rings. It was a double moment of bliss. It was the best day of my life, and I will never ever forget today, 13th September 2008.

-This happened on 13th September 2008, 7am-11.30am.

:: I Need Sleep!! ::

2008-09-12T13:32:00.002+08:00

It has been very bad for my health these few weeks. I've not been sleeping well. I'm on the bed at latest at 12am, but I'm still fully awake till 3am, which then I can be asleep. I'm groggy during the day, until it's 5pm. That's where I'll start digging my books and papers, and mug till 12am. It's a very BAD vicious cycle. The vicious cycle itself is bad. To call it a bad vicious cycle, it only means that I'm emphasizing how bad it is. Oh dear.

This week, I've tried something new. I went to GYM with my colleagues from internship. haha. We had fun experimenting the different stations and equipments. I realised treadmill makes running alot more fun! But.....I didn't know I can't stop running even 20minutes is up. The moment I stopped, I felt like I was flying.....wheee....haha!!! It just makes you giddy. Dumbbells are so fun, but I've not yet learnt the correct method to train for biceps. It really makes me wanna laugh when I see one of the dumbbells that is so so SMALL, of only 0.5kg or 1kg I think. Alamak. Even kids can carry. Faints!!!!!

I'm so glad to get my 4packs back to shape. Although it has fell to 2packs, at least now it's gonna be better and soon 4packs. Hooray!!! Going gym with my colleagues is so cool, and it motivates you to excel. haha!!

Hope more GYM workouts would give me a better size, and pls...gain weight...from more muscles. haha.

:: AGONY ::

2008-09-07T20:17:00.002+08:00

Not revealing, and not speaking of it doesn't allow one to run away. I thought I could completely ignore what has happened and settle down. "Bridge over troubled waters". By doing so, I was still within the "troubled waters" and I've yet not found the "bridge". When I come into His presence, I could hide no more. The genuinety of emotions just flow. My weakness is that I am not niched at handling them, and they can go really far. Sometimes, it might end up hitting the different ones around me.

It's true. Ellen mentioned that we don't switch from anger to joy when it has arrived, for that would be "mood-swings" if it would to be done. Instead, it's how we control and handle those emotions, that help us handle situations. How? That's to surrender those emotions to Him. Clare once smsed this, which I did not feel it was any applicable, till lately: "Remember, your emotions don't belong to you, God purchased them on the Cross. Lift your concerns to God who forgives."

It's time to learn.

I always thought "arrogance" could hide my inner hurts, despairs, insecurities and failures, so as not to show that I felt defeated. However, this is often very dangerous. It corrupts minds, relationships and ministry. And I'm now sicked of others asking me, "are you alright?", "are you okie?", etc. Because deep down inside I wanna hide them, but the more I do, the more people could see. Arrogance has made me lost friends in just a few minutes. Sigh. It has to GO, and BE GONE.

Now all I want to do is to lay down my pride and to seek help. I need academic advice. Are all my study methods I've been using are wrongly applied? Or what should I do instead? Who is there to guide me? When I felt I was so LOST and ALONE, I recall the booklet written by RoseMary, "Strategies of Success" for University of London students. It says, "You're NEVER alone". She showed us the many sources out there that we can depend on. I felt she has left out Somebody. She left out God! We need God to depend on MOST.

Sometimes, when I'm doing ministry stuff. Perhaps I'm too eager, that made me blinded to the feelings of others. Hence, I end up offending some unconsciously. Sometimes, it could be the other way. Others might not give you their support in whatever you're doing. Sending out emails to the entire creative ministries has freaked me out. Pastor has to back me up before even the 1st email came in. I felt that I'm like a "ka-chang-bu-tei" in the ministry that nobody knows how I am. True enough. When I thanked pastor for his email, this is what he said: "of course la, no head no tail, nobody knows who is Grace". Sigh.. Perhaps it's because the older and senior adults always regard the younger as non-existent, and they're often in their "own-world". Although not all are like that. People like Clare, John, Ellen, Adeline, etc are the difference from the rest.

That's why it very sad, to even receive an sms from this particular "somebody", saying "Won't die even if there's nothing from DXXXX right?". Oh fine. Since there's no testimonies coming from that "D" team, it would just simply reflect that on you and the "D" team. It's not gonna do me any harm. It only becomes very "gek-sim" (heart-pain) whenever I see them again. No wonder APL has identified to me his guard feel that perhaps the "D" team is one bunch of arrogant and easily-angered people. Fine!

I've done my part. Case closed!! I definitely cannot and will NEVER satisfy EVERYONE. If whatever I've done could bless a few and bring a smile to just one person, I'm always happy to do again. It's QUALITY not QUANTITY!

:: Anchored!! ::

2008-09-01T20:20:00.002+08:00

I'll remember these two dates vividly: 29th August 2008 (Friday) and 31st August 2008 (Sunday). I've made two very important decisions on these two days.

Firstly, I've made the decision to put Him first and my main focus, that He rules and reign over my life. Hence, I know this would mean a perfect "NO" to many things. It's for the glory of Him, my Lover. Therefore, it's worth the sacrifice.

Second, it involves the decision of giving MY LIFE to Jesus. It doesn't mean I would no longer have any fear, for fear would come knocking again and again on my doors. However, I will not give into fear of persecutions and doubts. He will always be there to protect me because He is my Heavenly Father, who's bigger than any.

I'm thankful to Clare who has shared with me her methodology in Journaling through the Quiet Times. I've been able to relate better to what I read and receive from God in my recent quiet times, and I'm able to see relevance! The world's talking about relevance nowadays, and my internship's financial controller mentioned that to me as well.

I thank God that I'm not a detested, irritating pest to the people around me. When I went back to my internship company, I was pretty welcomed warmly first by the HR, where I collected my cheque. LiLian and PuiLin were so cute, they immediately invited in Roger and Ivan into their room to join us to enjoy the donuts I've over-bought. I kept asking them not to do so, as I don't want the two handsome guys to end up being so afraid of me. However, they were more afraid of the HR, as they didn't know WHAT HAPPENED that they were summoned into the HR Room by them. haha!! But to find out they were just in for a treat. PuiLin and LiLian got me to sit down at the corner coffee tables to snack the donuts with them. Alamak. I was alittle hesitant at first, until Roger said, "Hey, you brought donuts for us to eat, then you don't wanna sit and eat with us? How can?". Okie lor..then that's where we sat there for so long.

It was a relief to find out that he's saved. Firstly, it means he's saved when the day comes where everyone should leave this place. Secondly, it means a "green-light" to me, if this was really what it should be. However, he doesn't seem to have settled into a home church. What's more alarming, was that he was "unattached" when I came on Friday, according to LiLian. I wonder if the news were accurate, as I felt it might be abit too sudden. And I definitely don't want myself to end up in a rebounce situation.

Well. Clare and Kevin were really great advisers, alongside with Agnes, who asked me to ask myself whether do I know what I really want in a partner-to-be? At that point of time I only had a glimpse of what I wanted. Hence, as usual, Kevin gave me an assignment to pen-down my "negotiables" and "non-negotiables" in my partner-to-be.

I've listed 7 non-negotiables and 13negotiables. Is that good? I don't want to convince myself of anyone at the moment to have already fulfilled all the pre-requisites. haha!

:: Worried ::

2008-08-30T11:11:00.002+08:00

I wonder what's wrong with me? I merely wanted to ask casually if Cecilia and the team needs help and whether can I do part-time there if help's needed, since I've only got 3 school days. Why am I so afraid to ask?

I don't want Cecilia to feel pressurized neither do I want her to be offended just by me asking this. But, I don't think she'll be offended, as I'm just merely typing a casual question. If I don't get the job, I'll still keep in touch, and I won't backfire or get angry that kinda thing as we could still be friends. So I overly worry and I even ask people to help me proof-read my email to her. Gasp.. Now I haven't even sent her the email. Why am I so scared? Cecilia's a nice person. I don't understand Grace.

I'll just send..The results would be determined by Him who knows best, of whether I should work there or somewhere else or concentrate fully on studies itself. I shall wait for His reply.

:: Confused ::

2008-08-28T20:11:00.002+08:00

I don't understand this feeling within me. Am I missing something? I feel so weak and tired. I feel I want something more? However, I don't know what do I want?

I'll be collecting my cheque at ADM Cocoa tomorrow. I'll be seeing my beloved colleagues and manager and friends there once again. I should be feeling happy and eager. However, I'm feeling nervous and uneasy. Why? Am I afraid of something or what's wrong?

I always have the mindset, brought from young, that everyone would detest me. Hence when I'm in a group of people who accepts me and is able to establish friendship with me, I find it hard to accept. I find it hard to believe. I would often doubt: do they really like me? do they have an ulterior motive? What are they going to do to me next?

Hence I always maintain a certain gap between everyone. I always felt that people might find me very irritating if I keep getting close to them, or I keep meeting them, visiting them, talking to them, msn them, sms them, etc. I don't know.

I'm God's precious daughter. He loves me for who I am. I'm not quite sure if others do the same? I always thought that only God loves me and the rest hates me. Perhaps it's another childhood barrier, where I'm often an outcast, until I reach the age of 15.

It has been 15 years. I've not lived out of it. When I receive praises, I sometimes don't know whether to believe in them.

Sigh. I wonder why am I writing this till the point of tears. I need to believe once again. I need to believe in Him to believe in me, then to believe in others about me.

:: KBox With Them!! ::

2008-08-27T17:55:00.005+08:00

After the long wait of 11days, the night has arrived, on 26th August 2008 (Tues). Good times really passed so fast. It happened so quickly when they arrive; and by the snap of the finger, all has ended. I'm feeling very blue on the inside. The people, my colleagues and managers have been those I'm very familiar with to meet everyday on the weekdays. The place, my desk, the environment has become another part of my life. Now that it has suddenly ended, I'm feeling very hard to adapt to. Missing someone is deeper than just being lonely.

I wanted to tear when I saw all my colleagues again, even though I tried rehearsing at home on how I should react instead. They were really sweet people. Verna welcomed me with a scary way; she came from behind and started poking me on my ribs. They all wore smiles on their faces. I missed them so much. Especially when Cecilia and KC arrived later, as they were held up a little while and came later than the rest. For a second or two, I almost couldn't figure out who were they, but at the second glance I saw them! Haha. The first reaction was "ey??". Then I said, "Wow..luckily we weren't talking bad about the two of you, as we were just mentioning about you two haha". Then KC said, "Aw hor..need to pull ear already ah". haha!! For a moment TingTing and I looked as if we were escorts welcoming them into the room 65, coz we just came back from the toilet.

Everyone wants to hear me sing from the beginning, then bo-bian, I end up singing the most I think. BeeLeng said I sounded like Angela Zhang, do I? haha. She's a high-end sop singer leh. Her key range I've not met yet. And then the whole time I ended up singing F.I.R. songs, and KC said I was a big fan of theirs. Then when I tried singing Jolin's song, to rap her lines that Jay Chow wrote, I went like "chi chi chi chi chi....." and my diction just disappeared. haha! Cecilia and KC said that's what they can only hear, "chi chi chi chi chi.." haha!! And they said that's my generation's songs. haha!!

However, Cecilia surprised me! For a moment I thought I was hearing my own voice when I was singing together with her. Until I tried to sing off-mic, and I heard her voice, which sounded like mine. oh my goodness!! She's sop man. Hence we sang Angela Zhang's songs together, titled 隐形的翅膀. Cecilia was saying she knows how to sing the "angel" song. For a moment we were thinking what's an angel song that Angela Zhang sang? Then the rest figured out that it was that song, 隐形的翅膀. haha!!

KC's voice is not bad either, but he dare not sing out loud. He's always waiting for others and myself to take over, so I sing abit, then he sing along...then I went off-mic, until he realised he's singing on his own, then I have to come back. haha...

For a start I felt my voice deteriorated, and I didn't sound as good as the other time. Then the more I sang, the more it was warmed up, it got better. Until the point where I ended up having backaches and muscle aches on the diaphragm. Alamak!! It hurt quite bad, coz I was singing alot for the 4hours and bcoz I was singing correctly. haha.. That's bcoz we had 4 mics, hence we can sing along when it isn't your song. HEnce I carried some songs for them into parts and backups. haha, especially for some keys that are very high and unreachable for some. Coz I can hit higher keys easier than the lower ones. That's my weakness.

Here are some pics of BeeLeng and Verna dancing to the fast songs. They kept pulling me and Cecilia into join them. Alamak...

Verna singing a duet with PK.

BeeLeng and me. haha. I think I should not wear too much of turtle necks anymore.

TingTing, PeiPei and Felicia.

Didn't manage to take a pic of Cecilia and KC, but there's a video with them in it, but not so nice to post here ah. haha.

:: Badminton ::

2008-08-25T16:22:00.004+08:00

Here's the Team Trinitarians. hahaha!!

This looks as if we won a medal, with a medalist cloth with "two squirrels" on it??? haha. This is Vera's towel la. Team Trinitarians wor!!

There's Me, Vera and Rachael:

Here's the other members of the team: Me, Christine, Rachael, Lydia. Woohoo!! Sports women!

Here's the Toa Payoh Badminton courts.

Me and Rachael..sorry didn't turn on flash.

This time got flash but abit blur. oops

Me and Lydia!!